₦airaland Forum

bellong:
You still don't get it..

Scientists believe that matter (earth? Is made up of three particles namely Proton, Neutron and Electrons..

It is so pathetic they missed out on another important element.... MORONS....

Wicked! Wicked!! Wicked!!!

@ TV01 - did I really pen down that contradiction in my post? I didn't write that part o, twas my twin sister...I told her to write "respect and adores" but she had other ideas

Thanks for the elaboration. You've brought out the two "sins" of the OP and I really can't explain why she waited that long...whether she was strategizing, hedging or taking position or hoping against hope that the love will grow she can explain better. For developing feelings for somebody else, that was bound to happen cuz she felt nothing for the current guy, that vacuum in the heart cannot be empty for too long. But the good thing is, she didn't let the feelings loose so it remained at the incubation stage...fair enough!

@100% conviction before marriage - I'll say that's relative. For people who believe in love before marriage, I'll also agree fully but we mustn't forget that people marry for different reasons, even without deception. Not everyone believe marriages must be built on love. If an 18 year old girl gets married to a 65 year old billionaire, I am sure they would both know in their heart of hearts why they married each other. There are several marriages of convenience out there. When people say marriage and love is overrated, ain't they saying the same thing?

@ topic - From the OP's post, she sounds more like the type that believes in love, so I guess it's safe to advise her to let off the guy and take the risk of going in search of true love. Hopefully, he would also turn out to be a gold-plated husband Whether she would look back in a few years time and regret this decision is something I wish I could predict but I can't. OP, wishing you the best!

Akposy:
good evening foodies. what kind of food can I cook with #600...i mean a small hostel Kinda birthday food.

pls pooping... no insults

Insult ke? Let's ask @ judgementhammer

https://www.nairaland.com/2686293/how-celebrate-birthday-one-thousand

Happy birthday in advance Akposy dear. Many more more happy years ahead. Stay blessed.

(Just in case i forget on the D-day)

Happy birthday Oga!

@ frommena - I am not really sure where to start with you because you have touched on so many points and your mindset obviously has not changed, you still don't understand where you went wrong and if opportunity presents itself, you will break another home, and another and another...shame

The man is definitely not blameless, infact, he gets the bulk of the blame cuz he is the one that has allegiance to the wife and not you, however, he is not here so we can't blame him, hopefully, he will aslo get served in due time.

Next, whether he is happy with his wife or not is totally not your business and it is no justification whatsoever for you to get involved with a man who is still married to his wife. Are you his night nurse, marriage counsellor or homebreaker? what exactly is your role? The latter looks more like it. Because he told you he was not happy, your role was to finish the little affection or love he still had for his family and win him to your side...hmnnn...so now that he has been with you for 4 yrs like you said, is he happy now? Your post says no. So why hasn't he broken up with you? Smell the coffee my dear - you are just his past time, a stress reliever, an object of casual getaway...but too bad, you are not even performing that role, and that happiness he was seeking eludes both of you. it's a loss-loss situation for you.

Agreed, he is one hell of a selfish and self-centered human but people like you have made it easy for him to eat his cake and have it cuz his wishes are your command, you are at his beck and call, he is your paymaster

And pls stop emphasizing on the wife's fault, she is not your business. She owes you nothing and you are not in any position to analyze her weaknesses. Leave that for the man that married her. Look inwards and see the truckload of wrongs you have done. Access yourself and make amends. That's the only way to rediscover your worth and happiness. It cannot be found by stylishly running the wife or his marriage down. Afterall, you have been an enabler in making their marriage go from bad to worse. And yet you seek happiness Which side??

Deal with yourself. Their marriage, their lovelife, their business. Go find yours!

@ TV01, you know, I sincerely wish you had answered this question for the benefit of all. Remember that argument the ladies had with you guys on the boys thread was centered around this same subject and right here, we have a real life situation. Fortunately, the deed (marriage) has not been done yet.

She's got a good man she loves and adores but she doesn't love him, yet she can vouch he will make a good husband; maybe she dated him for 3 years thinking the love will grow. It's difficult to fault this except the time frame is too long but anyways, the love did not grow and now, she needs to take a decision cuz it's time to move to the next level.

Should she choose safety (assurance of a good marriage) over love or take the risk to further search/wait for someone else who she will not only love but will also be a great marriageable guy. It's a real dilemma young people face everyday.

Personally, as much as I believe you should love who you are getting married to, it gets complex when you are advising someone to let go of a great guy you don't have feelings for in search of someone (often imaginary)you would love and also tick the boxes.

naijababe:
Ask him na! His nuts are mine and nucca refused to pay up

Olopa o

naijababe:
Oyel price mehn!!! E dey do sontin gan ni. Come and see me working like donkey na! Where is the time to open NL for work like before when na work from morning till i leave, sometimes to take break sef na wahala.

So you go talk about Maureen now eh?! You are still owing me a set of balls ya know.

set of balls kwa?? which type of balls naijababe?

babutime:
A herbal practitioner, Morufu Ajah, on Tuesday admitted in an Igando Customary Court, Lagos, that he gave his wife Deborah money for abortion.

Ajah, 33, told the court that he gave his wife money to terminate the pregnancy because he was not sure if the pregnancy belonged to him.

“I gave my wife money to abort her pregnancy because she used to leave home without my consent to unknown destination and come back after 21 days or 30 days.

“She may even tell me she was going to her parent’s place, after some days, I will call her parents; they will tell me they did not see her.

“So, when she comes back home and told me that she was pregnant, I doubted it. I gave her N7, 000 to terminate it.

“She collected the money, lied to me that she had done it but never did it,’’ Ajah said.
The petitioner said that his wife turned his mother into a `punching bag’ that most times, she beat and tore her clothes.

“My wife had turned my mother’s clothes to rags as she always tore it into pieces whenever she is beating her.

“She always curse and abuse my mother, calling her a witch and telling people that my mother always fly in the night,’’ he said.

He described his wife as a violent and aggressive woman that she used to hit him first any time they had misunderstanding and that always prompted him to beat her up.

Morufu alleged that his wife was fetish that on three occasions, he came back from work and saw salt sprinkled all over the house.

He urged the court to dissolve their three years old marriage because he was no longer in love and his mother’s life was in danger.

Deborah, 30, teacher, denied all the allegations, and insisted that the fight in the home was because she refused to terminate the pregnancy.

“My husband gave me money to abort my baby; I collected the money but used it for another thing.

“When he later discovered that I did not do the abortion, he started beating me and moved my belonging into the kitchen.

“He later left the house to unknown destination, it was my neighbours that always contributed money for me to feed till my delivery,’’ Deborah said.

The mother of two said that she never beat her mother-in-law nor tore her clothes.

She pleaded with the court not to grant her husband’s petition because she was still in love with him.

The court President, Mr. Adegboyega Omilola, urged the couple to maintain the peace and adjourned the case till Dec. 7, for judgement.

Source; http://thenationonlineng.net/husband-admits-giving-wife-money-for-abortion/

A herbalist accuses his wife of being fetish?

Armed robber catch thief

@ topic - there is something that makes dating different from marriage. It's the "oath" both parties take on that day and the least both parties should expect from each other is for those promises to be kept.

Rather than make those promises and turning around to accuse your partner of expecting too much, why take the wedding oath in the first place? If you must make promises, then you must keep them!

SAMBARRY:
why do you all enter marriage like you are about entering a battle field or you're about entering bokoharam camp ready to face visible and invisible wars forever. Which Kain life be that

this your queshion cracked me up sooo bad. Na wa o Kulyie, you go fear comparison naa

sihom:
I think that money should go into a joint bank account created for the purpose of funding family/household projects - but I'm a single lady what do I know.

Three married women I know of have done this sort of thing on a regular basis, it led to their husbands becoming lazy and slacking off on responsibilities like paying school fees, house rent etcetera practically leaving those responsibilities to their wives to handle.

My only concern and fear is that your husband may go the way the men described above did. On the other hand another true life story of a married couple I know was different from the women above.

Tunde (not real name) was unemployed for seven years and all his attempts at business/finding aa stable source of income wasn't yielding fruits. His wife (let's call her Kanwulia) on the other hand was gainfully employed and each time she received her salary she would give all of it to Tunde.

I figure she did this to honour him as her husband and the head of the home. Tunde never took things for granted and always used the money wisely & prudently. No one ever knew the situation in that house for as long as it lasted not even their family & friends.

The couple Tunde & Kanwulia handle pre-marital counseling & classes at a certain church and often share their story with intending couples.

You know your husband better than I do. Will he in the long run behave like Tunde or the other three husbands I mentioned?

A joint account thingy is what I would do in your shoes and since you earn more you can as well fund the account at a higher ratio than your husband with a caveat - that caveat being that you are both signatories to the account and one person cannot withdraw funds without the knowledge & signature of the other. That way you are kept in the loop and aware of where your monies collectively as a couple is going to.

So ultimately, there is "no one cap fits all" advice, know your spouse and do what's best for the marriage as a whole. Fair enough!

Thanks

...he drove a Range Rover...he lodged you in an expensive hotel...six months later you married him...you were desperate

...you sponsored your wedding...he told you to bypass traditional rites...he beats you...he is not who he says he is

This is a typical case of armed robber catch thief

Timbuktou:
I'll admit to not reading the other thread, I'm just wary of all these kinds of threads is all . Maybe ive just become too cynical.

Lol..I perfectly understand this, who wouldn't?

Timbuktou:
Vinehands, it would have been more expedient to have raised funds for powering a business idea. The real tragedy would be not being able to sponsor next year's birthday celebrations after you've passed out this year's goodies. You have just misspent some portion of the goodwill available to you. But fear not, there are more people with money to throw away. Feel free to make another request, and I would advise with another moniker this time.

Com'on Tim, cut the dude some slacks..everyday no be birthday naa

In fairness to him, he didn't solicit for funds in his initial thread. Requesting how to celebrate his birthday with N1k already tells me a lot about his kind of person.

Aminat508:
Gaari and moimoi for lunch

Aminaatuuuuu, must you use sugar to drink garri ni? Abi is it not garri Ijebu? No need for sugar jor

Nice lunch...

wonlasewonimi:
Not a fan of him these days but wenger can't shine his shoes irrespective of whatever is happening to him now.

weeellllll, the future will judge...

@naijababe, booodeeee o

love has no boundaries biko...carry go

Na wa oo

This violence needs to stop immediately...These are humans, flesh and blood with families

Happy birthday to your sweetest mum. Many more happy years to her life.

cococandy:
@kimoni, I'm sorry, not in a million years can I agree with this.

It's ok, like Kanwulia(with due permission) rightly said, Nairaland is not for agreement of opinion.

Someone who isn't prone to violence won't abuse anyone regardless of provocation.

Nothing can be further from the truth. There is something called provocation and it is well recognized in law, where provocation is said to have triggered violence, it changes the dynamics of the case. Speak to any legal person..

Again I ask, is the victim always and entirely blameless in every DV situation?

Besides we know abuse is a continuous thing.

Not necessarily. As with every other crime, there are always 'one time' or 'only time' offenders. Some people have abused their partners once, sworn never to do it again and have rightly kept to that promise. It doesn't always happen but it surely does happen.

If that person can continuously be provoked to keep lashing out violently at others, then it's time they realize the problem is them not the other person triggering their wild side.

the word 'others' changes what we are talking about here. If a person is violent against several people, then the problem is most likely with him and most likely not "others". But is that the focus here?[/quote]

ViNeHaNds:
no vex na, i search google tire, your number no show, i for call you.

Hahahaha pm no work that day baa

MMotimo:
^^^^
Good thread! Key message being "how are you helping?" vs the usual gender war threads that seem to have taken over this section

Couldn't agree more with the above.

@topic - I typed one long post yesterday but lost it so I'll see if I can summarize my points.

Like it's been noted already, it gets very complex trying to understand why people stay in abusive relationships. The reasons are not only numerous but sometimes difficult for sane people to understand. Asides some of the highlighted reasons like lack of financial power, lack of mental willpower to leave, low self esteem, fear of the unknown, inability to face the judgemental world etc there is also the psychological aspect to it. To me, I'll say this is the most complex of all cuz it's something that is deeply entrenched in the victim's psyche and more often than not, they are unable to adequately explain the true reason they are staying and all you hear is 'I am staying for my children'.

A woman once lived with her single mom who had a chain of boyfriends from time to time. Unfortunately, she was abused severely by these men and she alluded these abuses to not living in a stable home. Another woman was raised in foster homes and also attributed the abuses she endured as a child to not having a stable home unlike her peers who had the two protective parents doting on them. Yet another guy was raised by a step-mom as his own mom had divorced his father. The physical abuses he endured nearly killed his psyche as a man.
Now for these 3 people, they swore to protect their marriage against all odds, promising to give their own kids the love of both parents, something they lacked in their own childhood and which they believed was the source of the many problems in their lives.

Now, if people like this are going through abuses and enduring it, citing 'staying for the children' as reasons, it's difficult for you and I that were fortunate enough to be raised in stable homes and by both parents to understand these 'foolish' reasons of theirs but a little drilling down of their childhood might make us show more empathy.

In saying that, I think it's foolhardy to advice every person experiencing any form of abuse to leave especially in a country where there is no social help though I must confess, the Nigerian government is taking DV and rape more seriously now, hence the increase in the number of cases that is brought to the limelight everyday. For people going through DVs, they first need to to look inwards to determine if they are in anyway 'triggering' (not causing o) the violence themselves. Some women's sharp mouth can provoke the meekest angel to acts of domestic violence. However, if it's all about the abusive partner, then the victim has to be mentally, psychological and financially ready to live as a single parent. If that preparedness is not there, like it's been noted already, the victim will either always go back or eventually blame the support system that encouraged him/her out as being responsible for her single state. Financially, if one is unable to sustain himself or herself and any kids from the union, the outcome on the victim and kids could well turn out to be worse off than the initial DV problem.

Again, another reason why people leave is ambition/benefits. I guess that's more with the elites and though it might not be physical abuses but cheating/drug usage (sorry for slightly deviating) but remembering why Hilary Clinton didn't divorce Bill or why KhloeK is quick to call off her divorce with Lamar despite the outcry just show that people endure the unimaginable for personal ambitions/reasons.

Lastly, there are those who believe that marriage is for better for worse and whatever they are passing through is just a phase. Such people quote Kanwulia message that 'marriage is an investment for the future', so whatever they are going though currently should either be endured, overlooked or resolved by all means to safeguard tomorrow's investment. Who am I to say it's not?

In summary, my personal belief is that one should never stay in an abusive marriage especially where one cannot control the act in any way. For me, it's like living on a time bomb as death could come knocking anytime and that for which one was enduring is lost ultimately.



@cococandy - nice topic, balanced opening view. Well done. Meanwhile, I have never understood why you keep thinking some things are peculiar to Naija and Naija alone Like someone said sometime back, the bullshit is just packaged differently in other places. I can give you a million cases where a clear offender is not prosecuted at all, given light punishment or let off the hook early in our beloved Amelica, but as with western packaging, it comes under different "big big oyinbo" names like superior argument by defense lawyers, lack of adequate incriminating evidence etc
Take time o

I saw this video on my FB wall and I remembered the discussion we had here sometime back on household chores and one of the conclusions reached (I think Nashville suggested it)is that women should always ask for help when required instead of formenting trouble unnecessarily
Judge Lynn seems to be in agreement too. God help us all



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7N50F1zFcg

Happy for you OP. Happy birthday and God bless you!

Pathetic OP, pathetic story.

You still think you didn't break up his marriage? If he truly didn't love his wife like he kept telling you, would he take so long to divorce her? How long did it take you to divorce your own husband? Would you have done that so easily if you loved him? How much pressure did you put on him before he finally got a legal seperation?

See, I don't understand why you are seeking happiness when you are at the center of another woman's unhappiness? Can a man sow beans and reap potatoes?

Anyways, no matter how far you have gone a wrong road, you gotta turn back. Go get your own man!

JudgementHammer:
A whole 1k. My guy u are a rich man joor. Na person weh no sabi chop life go call 1k small money.

1. Pay N100 as offering to God for keeping u alive till date

2. Buy 1 derica of rice-N150 + ororo half bottle-N100 + maggi knor-N20 + small pepper(with grinding)-N200 + tin tomato-N40 + mr chef salt-N30 + curry and thyme-N40 + extra onions-N20 + kote fish-N200.

Cook confirm jollof and enjoy ya life.
Everything total is N700. Remaining N300

3. Buy 2 coke or fanta-N140

4. Out of the remaining N160, give N150 to ur gf as transport to market to buy d stuffs. Thank God she's an understanding swthrt

5. Keep the N10 as savings

Thank me later.

Sambarry ooooo

**faints***

SAMBARRY:
you sef

One ones thousand Nair ke

Irk pati wo niyen ke?

The only thing that one can afford is a carton of 5naira carton of biscuit which shouldn't be more thanks 500naira and 5 plastic bottle of fantastic.lobatan

lobatan...OP, here you are

kilode100:
Cococandy, hi.

Those that enjoy the beating and all, do they fall into the category of abused people?

You are a clown...which of the beating do you enjoy? The bedroom one?

Chief priest, it wasn't me

naijababe:
I want to climb one ori oke for edwife ni but mehn! I want a certain coach to live up to his comment about another coach being a specialist in failure.

Hahahahaha I am sure he must be eating those words right now. Unfortunately, Wenger won't pay him back in his own coin. He for hear am.

But still, NB, we suppose go this ori oke for our darling eddy oo

laide4:
Kimoni kips insulting people dat are far above her class.

yew r an ID1OT!
ijebu bleached LovePeddler.

You are a psychopath with deep mental issues.

Same way you, Francistony said nltrue was Edwife, then you said it's an error that it's ewuro. Now you say I am Francis18.

You are finished Francistony. So it's based on this that you have been disturbing my mentions? I was wondering.

You are such an idiot I can now see why failure has become your identity.