₦airaland Forum

Do you wait for him/her to drop the bomb first or would you rather be the one dropping that bomb first?

Why are you even worried about sucha comparison in the first place? Dont mean to be mean M just wondering if its really neccessary,

What's love got to do with it "Tribe"?

Onchedu:
Dude, God is like the final calling card o. Free the chic. U messed up now she's politely letting U know there's someone she's with and possibly betrothed to him. Do Urself a huge favour and get another girl ok?

@Poster, Please take heed of the advise above

Please allow him to process this in his mind at his own time, he is entitled to it. If he comes back to you and says he wants out well so be it there's nothing wrong in that and dont feel bad about it. Sometimes people need to be allowed the freedom to take decisions even if the decision is not in our favour. Give blessings to him so he can find the one he really really want to be with and should be with, who knows that actually that soemone mignt just be you.

Dont wait for him carry on with life like you should and claim back your control.

Hairdresser People are fighting in their loving homes because of you, what kind are you? @poster this is what you need to ask the hairdresser and check if it makes her feel good about herself,

candylips:
Shut the bleep up !!!

For real guy take the advise above,

eeeeh! go ahead the sister needs love and you my brother have it for her so why not?. You on th eother hand need love and you both have it for each other. Dont do it if you just in it for sake of curiousity or anything other than love, cos it'll just make the two of you look silly. Make it good and make the other ex grin with envy. All is fair in love havent you heared?

Guy can you please call this girl and ask her out on a date and ask her all these questions that you asking the naira's now. While you busy waisting your time here at least two guys have already been on a date with her and are stating to make progress. Stop being lazy and get some action going PLEEEASE!

Its about you and your ex or soon to be ex "things were going fine until" e.g. He told me he had three kids with three different women and I thought I do not want to be the fourth . Go ahead tell us about yours and lets laugh if we must.

arewa4:
its a family house where all his siblings will also be living. so where is the privacy coming from?

mmmmmm, Catch 22 situation, ^^^ I agree provided he doesnt have siblings and that the father gave it to him with the understaing of all the other siblings. If he has siblings guy needs to share with them in order to keep the family together and he must find his wife their own land/home. Who knows the father may have much more land to give to the other siblings and in that case all should be ok and guy must just take land and live with his wife it may be part of his inheritance,

chaircover:
Sometimes men mistake a woman expecting some degree of financial clout from their man as being materialistic.

Not in all cases.

Not all men will work with a bank or telecommunications company, however all men should have the ability to make a honest days Naira.

Lets face it, if you can't afford to buy your girlfriend a drink, then its unlikely that you can afford to put food money down for your wife. It's as simple as that.

I agree, not to mention the home for children the couple would like to have, their education, a warm and secure home, clothes on their back and as chaircover has said food on the table. There's entertainment we do not want to be stuck in the house every weekend and end up getting in each others hair. Go out and do different things. Guys you must agree these are just the basics we are asking for here and it all starts with a first date. Now is that asking for too much??

C'mon guys lets not treat this whole thing about being a man like its something of a purnishment. Be a man and pay your girls way,

@harakiri I visited your link on womensinfidelity and it all brought me back to my favourite saying "men and women are the same and that's why we deserve each other"

I call it the age of wisdom I could never ask for better, however it comes with great responsibility "understanding and accepting others" I would never wish to go back or trade this age for anything. Some days are better some are harder. I am where I am suppose to be

I dont always know, seven would be too much than I can come up with, but I am dead sure of one thing, I care deeply about him. I keep wondering if this is my universal lesson on pure love.

aaaaah @Missy B wants to buy her a drink, eeeehhh make that two I'll pay for the second.

Dimka 76:
O.k. S/A lets get serious. You made some good points but the question of addiction is relative. Addicted to what? If its Marijuana then thats no big deal! The tragedy of love is that it is essentially invasive. Why do we always want people to change to what we think they should be just becos we love them? Everyone has his personal demons and with understanding something sensible can always be worked out. It is easy to be judgemental when you look from outside.

Real love is not loving the perfect person, but loving the imperfect person , ''perfectly''.

Thanks for the reply @Dimka 76 you make very good points too. However I am sure that you will notice in my previous posts that this wanting to change him thing is exactly what I am trying ever so hard to avoid. The addiction is Marijuana, and you are the third person to tell me that this is not a big deal. Apparently some people would rather smoke that than cigarette.
Trust me I will not put the idea of using the hard stuff past him. He once told me that one of the reasons that he ended the relationship with his ex is that she had taken things too far by using the hard stuff. About two weeks ago he told me that friends had invited him, only to learn upon his arrival that the whole thing was about people getting together for a snort, of which he said no to and came back home. See I do not want to be naïve about this.

Here’s my thing, you should see this person when he hasn’t smoked anything and his head is clear it’s a state of calm I can’t even describe myself, then you should see him after he’s had a smoke he fidgets, gets hyperactive and can’t focus on one thing at the time to complete it. His whole face changes eyes red and droopy and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. Then the’ll be this long winded talk about consciousness and Babylon that I find absolutely ridiculous (m laughing out of pity you know, it’s actually sad to watch).

To be honest I am dealing with a bad case of “free spirit gone horribly wrong”. On the contrary this person has done well for himself establishing a good network of making and selling clothes. He often works from home, need I say more about an idle mind. How I look at this is that this person is caught up in the believes of a cult of the Rastafarian movement. I am afraid but cannot say it’s a religion, it’s a cult pure and simple and I hope he realizes that sooner than later.

He has a way of talking about God as if he is the only person that knows God in person, as if once in a while God pays him a visit to dine with him as a personal friend. I often retort and say why is it that when he knows so much about God and even expects him to fit into his own little idiocyncracies, yet at the same time he wants to have negotiations with the devil on the side?
The two worlds of this person are so intertwined and bonded that I am afraid everybody else that cares about him is going to lose him to the dark side.
My whole life my relationships have been driven by the idea of what value I can add in another person's life. There's a huge peoblem in relationships where peole add others in their lives based on what they can have e.g. If I can have him/her then I'll GET/HAVE this and that, not my style really.

Sorry for the epistle again, I guess I needed to vent.

Age difference is not an issue, whats important is that people stay young at heart, at least that's what works for me.

@Jennnnnyyykadri, your post definately doesnt deserve a bravo its totally revolting, but its absolutely and I mean absolutely HILARIOUS. Its always good when people dont take themselves that seriously sometimes. I never thought of myself as the shy type until this thread, so guys keep them fart stories rolling. LMAO and it feels good.

@rokiatu "support system" I've been down that road before and I ended up being mummy you know, and I cant. Oh God the things he is capable of when he is alone, one incident particularly stands out and I have to apologize I cant reveal it. (dont worry nobody got hurt or negatively
affected, just a chain reaction of self destruction). Its important to note that I am not always easy on him. Some of the things I have said to him so far must have already turned his ancestors in their graves (I am not proud). I keep thinking that someday he's going to loose his cool with me, but then I will get feedback from him days after those episodes on some of the things that may have hit home. The one thing that beats me is how hard it is for anyone with an addiction to just go through a day with a sober and clear mind.

@raintree, you read me very well, 'cos as I was typing I saw myself being that girl you know. I suppose I was trying to demonstrate the two extremes that I am finding myself caught up in.

@jumie Being the girl that I know myself to be your questions really gave me a hard smack on the back of my head. Thanks though. I think its time I start thinking with my head and stop being a sucker for love. All in good time.

Guys thank you ever so much for your responses. I feel so much better already. You read me very well and I thank you for that.

Now on my wayforward, for now I think I am going to let this thing do its natural course. I dont know if I am doing it for him or myself yet. A week ago a friend of mine said I've been obsessing on the idea of keeping away from this person to such an extend that he ends up being exactly the thing I attract.

xynerise:
The poor quarrel more than the rich . I think its a normal thing, where there is no quarrel, there is no love.

Really does anybody else agree?`

Its the inevitable, just like siblings and friends will do. Its part of the package, it can be good though only when its healthy and its done with respect of the other person. The nice part to watch is when the two can exchange apologies and hugs at the end of it.

Dimka 76:
Ah, the story is already too long as it is o. What more is there to say? Yuo are in love with a Rasta, Finito. You could go on pages and pages abt him. Go for it and stop writting epistles.

@Dimka 76 My first instinct was to laugh after reading your response. Anyway waaait and hoooold your horses its not time for air's, aces and graces yet, lets save it for later.

Now lets move on to why I posted this on the forum especially the family section.

This is about how we as people have the tendency to be understanding and my question is where and when do you draw the line? I keep running away from this person because I dont want him to think I endorse what he is on about and sometimes tough love is just about what you can give to people. I keep going back to this person with the hope of change, that he will realize that this life is not all about him he is already a father and he comes from people. Besides he is a beautiful mind in this equation.

I am well aware that people dont have any powers to change others neither should you expect others to change for you. However, I believe that people should not be treated as right off's. The question is what do you do as a mother, father, brother, partner and friend when you have someone in your life that is on the road to self distruction? and maybe with a lot of damage already done. I've heared of families who have lost their children to the streets, their children have left their comfortable homes to the life of prostitution, drug pushing and abuse. Its that easy and it can happen to anyone. Now in my world this is the kind of stuff I only see on tv or read about, its never been this close. I've never been one to give up on people, there's good in each and every one of us.

Now here's another angle to this. I've had to pay a bit of close attention to what turns men into abusers? and why as woman we end up unable to free ourselves from abusive relationships? (please dont get me wrong he is not abusive not even close, only a beautiful mind on the loose and about to be wasted). I have since come to the conclusion that men will turn to abusers when they are filled with frustration and regret of their past mistakes. As a woman you are the closest thing to him that's hanging around as a caretaker, the understanding one and the one that he will always go back to whenever he is feeling insecure. Other than that you end up being a punching bag because you are the only reflection of his inadequacies
Women keep hanging on because they want to see that day of change. By the way, when they met this person he was the polite and friendly man in the beginning and you just cant seem to understand what happened "you are the one that knows him better" or so you believe and this is what then perpertuates the cycle of abuse. By the way abuse comes in different shapes and forms.

Now @Dimka 76 this relates to the emboldments in your response. there's a lot more to peole and the world than meets the eye and a lot can be said about that alone. One advise to you though, and this is coming from a good place "try and learn to listern more" its always a good quality and and a skill that can always be acquired. Think outside and beyond your perfect world.
Families are lamenting out there over wasted children, children lost to substance abuse and future's so bright lost and never to be regained. You say I should go it, the question is would you go for it?. I hope this question doesnt go above your head use the epistole above to guide your answer. Please stretch and flex your brain muscle a bit this is not about your ego nor mine.

Cults, substance abuse are the same to HIV/AIDS many are infected but plenty more are affected, What your take on this?

@rokiatu I hope I've managed to bring you to a clearer picture. My issue here is when do you know that as a person a battle is not for you to fight. When do you know that turning your back on someone could be the worst thing you can ever do? How do you even start getting involved in helping to clean up the mess, is this your place even? how do you know?

Family
If you know anyone who is cought up in the world of cults and substance abuse, a run away child lost to prostitution, theft and every unpretty thing that you can think about please tell us how you have dealt with it or how you think the situation should be dealt. Please let rehab be your last answer because these people take forever before they can accept that something is wrong. I am asking you in yuour personal capacity what would you do?

rokiatu:
I think U need to explain a bit futher

Oh! Sorry @rokiatu, I was typing fast and ended up with a lot of erros and hitting the send button unintenyionally. The story will continue tomorrow though.

Hi Guys! I've been holdin gthis issues back for a while thinking to myself I need to process it and understand it better on my own before I can talk to anyone about it. Now, I am still in the grey about it and thought what the hek! why not share it with my fellow naira's and hopefully that moment of clarity will dawn. I've got a relationship I've been running away from since 2007. 

How I met him
I was visit a friend and she wanted me to meet some "girls" that make clothes in her home towm which she thought I will difinately love and ofcourse I did. I couldnt find the size of the item I wanted and they asked me to go their studio for measurements so that the size for me could be cut up, they also gave me a contact number asking me to all them in a while as they also sell in my hometown. I never used the number until I decided on a road trip with friends and intentionally ended up in the same town again to see what other stock the girls had, and perhaps you know.
I phoned the number they gave to me and only to end up talking to some guy with thee most beautiful voice I've ever had on the phone. Somehow I just had to meet this person. I somewhat created an image about the stranger on the other side. He ws meant to be the guy I was suppose to meet for measurements at the studio during my first trip. We met some two hours later and he did not even come close to this man I created in my head. Yet there was somethign about this real man that I didnt have to search for. His bouncy boying demeanor that said I am full of life, his polite face and attitude.

We went to the studio and took the measurements, he then walked me out which is unusual with him apparently. He started paying compliments to my hair (dreadlocks) and playing with it in his rather friendly and boyish ways. Our candid talk was rather about who are you, where you come from, what brings you to this side of town. He promised to bring the dress when he comes to my home town (in a month's time). We exchaged goodbyes countless times these were the only words we could say to each other and it was too clear that we both wished for more time. During the six hour drive back home he was the only thing on my mind and I knew I was in love and my friends even picked it up.

His Background
He is congolese, dropped out of engineering in varsity in his second year which he passed. He says he had no passion for it and his parents forced him into it as they did with all his brothers, who are doing exeptionally well in SA. He is from a middle class family and has private schooling background. Interestingly multilingual and even corrects me when I speak isizulu which I've been speaking all my life and he only learned when he arrived in SA at nineteen. He wrote exam for his last two years of high school in one year, meaning the year before varsity was self taugt and passed it well enough to be admitted into engineering.
He was already a father to a two year old girl when I met him, well guess with who? aha! the very same girl. I am sure by now its all too clear why I had to fall for this man. To top it all he was raising his child on his own as his relationship with the mother of the child was on and off and rather strained.
He is very religious and never lost any of that ever since he arrived in SA. Well I am afraid he aslso has his own flaws. He took on a journey of spiritual growth and joined the rastafarian movement. This I believe was also fueled by his ever so inquisitive mind. As you may all know rastafarians and pot smoking goes hand in hand, and he is now an addict. At the time he was way in too deep in the religion that it strained his relationship with his brothers and not to mention the hurt he has caused his mother.

I will write more on the story just got tired and there's some other demands on the side for now.

Hmmmm! sleeping with the enermy and there's no way of knowing. Your friend should forgive the man, leave him, get herself treated and stay on it, finish school, get a job and live her life. She's got a lot going for herself and it would seem her life stopped (talk about the walking dead) the day she got married.

Easier said than done? YES! but this is the only way under her circumsatnce.

spoilt:
No. I can only take so much righteousness.

^^^hahhaaahhaa! Oh God I almost fell of my chair laughing. I love it, am also feeling a bit under the weather today and this really cheered me up,

hmmmm! what do I say. While it may be good for me it can also be quiet a challenge for a girl like me still. See sometimes I need to get a little crazy just to survive (dont worry guys i always know my boundries), now with a husband like that I worry that there may be some restrictions even in mere conversation. I worry that I must always keep it sane/philosophical all the time and that's hard. Madnesses is needed once in a while.

Alao there's an element of the congregation that will always be keeping an eye on you, and one little mistake is turned into a big hooha! I am sorry I cant. Maybe its true, that you will end up with the one you are suppose to be with.

Ooooh! Noooo! Da Vinci takes the cake

Kitchen, Bathroom and Bedroom, you know that bedroom you dont have to share with anyone that's what I call havean on earth.

mama-gee:
[color=deeppink]*Watches thread and waits for the start of a fight*[/color]

HAHHAAHHAA! Mama-gee NOOO! no fighting, just difference in opinion i guess. I went through the lines again and found myself laughing at how unfortunate that somehow we highjacked the posters topic and made it all about ourselves instead of giving opinion in relation to @posters situation. I think all of us knew when not to cross the line. @Ayettemama is strongly defending her position I guess. Its her right to stand her ground.

Please give us your opinion on this. This was supose to be an easy discussion but ended up a complex one. The simple matter is that.

1. Husband's family doesnt like the wife, what's new? it happens to a lot of women out there. As a women you shouldnt concentrate much on that as you need that energy to build your home and all the fighting you are yet to have with your husband.

2. As a woman in a marriage you need to choose your battles too well, the poster is about to pick a fight with the husband when its totally unnecessary. He is on her side because he understands her better. All he could possibly be doing is to get the wife to do the cooking while around family just to shut them up, besides its only temporary. See you got to be strategic sometimes than to be a fighter. Fighting all the time and unnecesary battles will wear you off too easy and too fast for no good reason. Again he doent want to find himself having to choose between the two sides its not a good place to be, and please do not take your husband down those roads. Family will always win under the circumstances.

3. Women you have to understand the power you have in a marriage. Any woman can make a man do what she wants him to do. Once you understand the power you have the easier it wil be for you to understand when and how to use it. You just need to be suttle in your ways. Try it ans write back to us as to how it has worked for you. Your man needs you more that you need him, remember that.

4. Wife and the husband are partners. Two heads put together can win the situation, and the demeanor in which the wife and husband are to approach each other on this is what's going to make the difference. The "me I know" bad attitude is not going to get you far.

5. Wedding plans? well its your wedding have it wherever you like, got to the moon IF YOU MUST for your wedding its allowed and family should not interefere, but how you going to break the news to family will make the world of difference too. Let me tell you something, the idea of parents interefering in your wedding is normal they want to share this special day with you. Where everybody is there to be a part of this joy, they dont mean harm. The only problem is that they get caught up in issues of being elders and having their final say. Guess what? they've been doing it all the days of your life, and there's instances where you had to rebel against it so that you can have your way and no one died from it.

6. Wives please cook for your family's and husbands. When they come to visit and when you go to visit. I am sure your parents did it for you and it brought a lot of joy within them when they did it and see what it does for you. No man is an island and certainly no marriage is an island too. The very same family you want to isolate you will turn to need it someday.

You gotta lear to sift th ebad from the good and work with the good and for the bad it will fall right in place. This is not a perfect state of being, but then again they dont call it LIVING for nothing, its all part of it.