₦airaland Forum

madeinnigeria:
after reading his story he definitely has only one problem "the child" and i wonder, when he has his own 4yr old throwing tantrums will he send him or her away? Because after finding out she had a kid he still wanted to marry her. If you love someone be it single or not you have to be ready to work together thats why marriage is for better for worse not for better for cherry picking.

You must be a female.
Your solipsism is extreme.

With his own 4 year old, it will be his child and he will have every motive to wade through that personal storm.
Get it. This 4 year old.... is. not. his. child. And to make it worse, it's HER child, making him an outsider in his own house.

These look like the type of people who vote PDP/APC come election time after receing small garri.... instead of voting for AAC and moving their life forward

madeinnigeria:
Hope you know its just a 4yr old kid he's talking about..seven months deciet but he still decided that he wants to get married to her. The problem for him is because the child is living with them now. If he's not interested he doesn't need to bring the issue here he should call it quits and not guilt trip the lady because she has a kid.

Sometimes it takes some time for reality to set in.
He was still high on her manipulations after the 7 month reveal.
He was still sorting out his emotions.

As time passed, and reality of what his life would be became korokoro, and how he would essentially end up being a maga, he has come to the conclusion that the best choice for him in this scenario is to subtract himself from the equation and start something pure as he always intended.

Serves her right. Next time she won't hide such important details that long from a man she is dating.

Smile4mee01:
I have been friends with a lady at work for about 3 years now, we were just friends and things were quite well. I soon realized it appears she wanted us to be more than friends, but I was not ready to be in a committed relationship. I told her I had ambitions I needed to achieve before I got married and it included traveling abroad for my masters. By the way I got a 50% scholarship abroad.

To avoid being blamed for playing on her emotions and wasting her time I pulled away and only contacted her sparingly. We have never been intimate, no romance and the likes. To be sincere, she is a good lady who has been unfortunate with love and marriage. She is very comfortable, beautiful and well-Travelled.

I am single as well and a very goal oriented person, women have never been my priority. She is about 1 yr older than I am. However , I can not let go of my dreams to be with her. Now that I have left Nigeria, She has blocked me from all social media contact and ignored my messages.
While I often desire to be at peace with all men. Maybe it’s best to leave it this way and move on.

Nutshell: Guys Be careful being just friends with a single lady of marriageable age, Her priority is to get married and not just be friends. If that’s not your intention, Bro. Help her, help yourself Cut it. The juice is not worth the squeeze.

Any non-married, inter-continental relationship is foolishness IMHO.
Especially when you are on a non-immigrant visa e.g student.

Best to free each other and just be friends.

IF in the future, fortunes align whereby you have settled yourself immigrationally and she also happens to be single, then by all means go ahead.
But no one should be waiting for anybody on any long ting.

madeinnigeria:
Ok..but he decided to go along till marriage talk started...that's my point

You mean until a rowdy child that doesn't belong to him was brought into his house that he couldn't put in order because that's not his child and the mother won't let him?

You people should try and see some things from a man's perspective too.
Men are not just ATMs. He is dealing with a lot emotionally too...
The 7 month long deceit has been on his mind, combined with the new reality of that deceit when the child moves in, and the reality of being unable to take specific action on said child because the mother will remind him that is not his child (except when it comes to the finance, making him a maga).

If women expanded their mind and saw some things from the perspective of men sometimes, there will be fewer fights.

Sexyolori:
her son is a part of her. if you're won't accept both of them then you'll need to let her be. you should be thankful she didn't hide it from you.

Did you even read the OP.
She did hide it from him. For almost a year!

As a man, there is a difference between adopting a child together with your wife, and your wife already having a child.
Her child cannot be your child.

Even if you as a man have good mind, The fact of the matter is that Between herself and her child, she will always see you as an outsider.
This is evident when you try to correct that child and she becomes angry at you. It is because that is not your child, but hers.
Your job is to shut up and sponsor her and her child with your resources like the good little cuck-maga that you are. Even if she might not see it exactly like that in her head, that is factually what it is.

Now if you BOTH adopted a child that none of you gave birth to, then there is no pre-established advantage on either end.
You BOTH are freshly trying to love a child that is not yours, so there is no "us vs him" dynamic (You are not starting the match at 1-0).
I have no issues giving love to a child I did not birth...but it just can't be a child my wife gave birth to without my involvement.

You will always be an outsider, and if that child's father is alive, it is like you married into a complete family and you are just the 3rd wheel and part (most times full) financeer of that family... too much of a bitch to go start your own family. All of the responsibility, less of the benefits you should be entitled to.

Till today, I don't care to know who Obama's step father is (the one who paid and sacrificed to raise him). All I know and what most people know is that his father (the impregnator) is a Kenyan.
That is because blood is thicker than water.

The only way adoption will work smoothly is if everyone is connected by water.
One cannot be connected by blood and the other water.
Ko le werk.

EDIT: In fact, this warrants it's own thread.

Michellekabod2:
I disagree,that is a woman knowing what she wants.
The problem with relationships is that people don't know what they want from it. They enter assuming their partner is in their mind to know their intentions. If a lady is decisive enough to know what she wants(marriage) how has she become desperate?
If a man has said nothing about marriage after 6-9 months then its best you move on with your life.

I agree with this.
Everyone should know what they want and if it is not lining up with what the other person wants, it is well within your power to walk.

In fact in all my serious relationships, I like to introduce a gut check every 3 - 6 months where both parties put aside all deceit and bluntly air out their mind about where the thing is going and if it lines up with each person's individual vision.

Better this than assuming all is well when it isn't.

MrBrownJay1:
i am not dismissing the fact that women should know exactly what they want in life (and from men) in their late 20s early 30s, i have a problem when you believe that within 1,5yr they should know for certain if their man possesses it, and also that men should be dismissed if they havent shown it yet.

r/ship can be difficult to master, so men can take more time than others to open up, some men may need more time to make such drastic decisions... you make the whole dating process feel like work. how can it even feel natural? the babe would be on her calendar thinking that her man need to act a certain way by 18months, if not he will be deemed NO good. come on bro!

the above is what DESPERATE women would do....and we all know that desperation is a bad trait when thinking of r/ship

I guess it depends on her dating style.
If she dates multiple guys (which will happen if a guy she wants is taking too long and she is in her 30s) then sure each guy can take however long he wants. He'll just call one day and realize that she clicked with some other guy quicker and faster and now has progressed with him. Nothing wrong with that, she just found her match and speed elsewhere.

If she's doing one by one, and she is over 30, there should def be steady progression by 1.5yrs. Progression need not be actual marriage, but it should be close if that's her goal e.g should be fiances. At that point, both people should be clear on whether marriage will be a yay or nay with this person. You cannot know everyone complete before marrying them. You can only know enough to make an educated guess of which 1.5 years should be good enough to run the necessary diagnostics at a certain age.

We can agree to disagree though.

I have just seen too many older women, aunties included, wait too long on a guy who ended up not feeling the same sureness about her as she had for him, while passing on other solid suitors. But generally the heart wants what it wants.

I would also say that if the man she is waiting for is the only guy she can see herself being faithful to, let her just jejely continue to wait for as long as it takes and not marry someone else only to start being a ho.

The same reason why it is only really broke people (or people from really poor roots) who seriously pose in pictures while flashing money.

Some Ugly females need to act like they receive too much attention on the daily, because they actually don't.

MrBrownJay1:
so you mean to say that late 20s women in r/ship must have a clear picture of where they are going with a man, after 1-1.5yrs, even when we all know that all r/ships are not the same (aka some are slow and others are more difficult to figure out)?
what if they need more time to evaluate what they desire/need? what if they still dont know each other fully within 1.5yr? should they throw away what they have? you are making it seem like there is a timeline for dating, while any person in a r/ship fully well know there aint really any.

the reason why so many people are failing in marriage is because they rush into things they are not fully able to master.... the minute anyone puts a timeline on such issues, they've already failed. you should only marry someone if you are 110% sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with them...and if you are not sure about it after 1.5yr, then you should take all the time you need until you figure that out (instead of dismissing that person)

the sad part in what you wrote is that, you seem to believe that all men are so predictable....

I was thinking more early 30s with that response actually.

At early 30s a woman who wants to get married should not be dating past 1.5yrs because she should have a clear understanding of what she wants by that time.
This is particularly the case if she wants children and does not intend to give birth out of wedlock.

See as she balance dey chop the guy moneey like say na money she work for.

MrBrownJay1:
by all means, tell us all how long should these babes date guys for?! or better yet, whats the timeline for dating? also, do tell us what the timeline would be for older women too....

Speaking as a man who has a mum, aunty and sisters, A woman in her late 20s and up, especially in her 30s, has no business dating any man for more than 1 - 1.5 years with no progression if marriage is her goal.

Late teens to mid 20s, thats up to her to decide how she wants to live her life.

So it seems all these arab princes see women as portable toilets who should do nothing else but chop shit when instructed.

One creates a boss music video, and she must now be "dealt with".
Ugh. Islam is backward.

These days, women can easily go under the knife and come out looking like whatever you want.

In fact, That is 85% of all the pictures guys thirst at on instagram.

Boredom mostly.

Brightgem:
Well I can only say I hope this is positive and not another twisted male version of feminism. Or we'll just have world gender crisis. Hihi!

Well, firstly what is feminism to you?
It seems everyone has a different definition of that.

Secondly do you support your definition of feminism?

Thirdly, should men pay bride price and fulfill lists when marrying?

Mummymahdi:
Am a woman, elderly one and I will advice u to quit that R/ship I bet u will never love that kid and problems will never seize in ur marriage till it die. Its so offensive to keep mute in this issue till after 7months. The boy must b a naighty kid for the grandma to quit looking after him. An illegitimate child belonging to another irresponsible man can't be equal with ur own blood . if u are laying foundation of marital life, this won't yield a strong pillar

Ekaro Ma.
Thank you for blessing these young men and women with this simple wisdom.

The other women on this thread are not being honest with themselves about the truth.
Despite the 7 month deceit, adding the fact that the mother fights the man whenever he even tries to bring the child to order, the whole thing cannot work as a family unit. He would only be a financial sponsor....not a father.

Not a lot of women in our generation are wise/honest enough to look at a matter and say it as it is without lying because of some pointless agenda..

Brightgem:
You men folks should fix it. Ladies would probably sit up if men stop acting like all women need or want is money.

It's a behavior the ladies are getting away with cuz of men folk. A man should be turned off by a lady that's quick to ask him for money, but no, they'll be feeling like something, the women won't change.

I agree with this.
We are doing our part.
That's why "game" is now being taught to the male community at large.
I believe the current-gen iteration of said "game" is called red-pill knowledge.

Michellekabod2:
Avoid my moniker,the same way I avoid yours...thanks

Reptilian thinking it is

madeinnigeria:
Must a child be blood related before you can show love? If the child was yours and also stubborn as you claim you wouldn't have come here to seek for advice ..she told you she had a kid from the get go. were you expecting her to keep the child somewhere far away while she starts a fresh family with you?...if you can't compromise for the one you love then you're not meant for her

Read the OP again. Did she really tho?
She hid this fact from him for almost a year of dating.

You've jumped in to comment about the story in your head you want to comment about...not the facts.

Michellekabod2:
Its hilarious indeed,is there anything like a good or bad little child? How can a normal person have problem with a four year old kid....??

To be honest the Op needs to seek mental help(this ain't normal). A four year old kid??
That means he can't live with a wife,he isn't fit for marriage because after a month he will have issues with her.

He should let this lady go,its not by force to marry her.

But be rest assured that whoever he gets married to subsequently with will have issues with him . if you can't stand a four year old kid can you stand a nagging wife?

This is abnormal. A four year old kid?chai

You are arguing with yourself with this your essay of strawman arguments.
Your attempts at misdirection failed woefully.

You and I both know the issue is not about "A 4 year old kid".
It is about "raising a child that is not his"...mixed in with the sense of betrayal realizing that you have been sold a lie all this while.
The girl is a bytch as she knowingly witheld key information from him that would affect his own family plans, only to spring it when she could no longer hide the lie.

You understand this completely, but in this case you have nothing to gain from siding with the logic of the matter, so you must feign these misdirections and logical fallacies because you want to control how some maga SHOULD think when he foolishly decides to finance your children if you go out and start fucking raw like a nincompoop.

The child is hers and not his.
She tried to be slick. This alone is akin to a betrayal.
The realization of all this has made him irritated with the whole thing, as he rightfully should.

Your insults to him mean nothing and you know that, if you would for once just side with the truth and stop all this reptilian thinking.

Fountainofyouth:
Women in the west also pay alimony and child support to their exes, you should at least Google more on things before hasty conclusions.

Which is why women, being more serpentine in their thinking, generally avoid men who are poorer than them.
The feminine primal urge of Hypergamy keeps that your scenario from being as common as the other way round.
So it is majorly men who still suffer from this.

Women will also fight against pre-nups....until she gets small assets and then all of a sudden she switches her logic when marrying a man who has less. Yours is a perpetually selfish nature free of the burdens of fairness, logic and justice. An entertaining bunch, truly.

ImaIma1:
What about the many guys that marry oyibo old women just to cross border? It's not only ladies that are guilty of this

The difference between most guys and girls is guys do things with a goal.
The guys who do that ish, are not going with the mind to endlessly leech. They are going to execute a plan.
The woman of this story obviously just wanted to go and be a leech with no plan. Sitting down in a white man's house and eating up everything with zero plan to execute and without being sensitive to timing....and you think all will be well for you.

Though I don't doubt her maga is a fucking racist that boys should arrange, I can tell when a woman is leaving bits and pieces of a story just to make herself sound like a saint. Her story is disjointed and full of those moments. Men like me don hear woman pity-story tire so we know these things instinctively .

This woman did something to that maga for him to hate her with such pure hatred and likely validated all the racist stereotypes he was initally trying to keep at bay. She for sure went there to be a liability to the man, and probably worse, and then he realized he was being played and decided to show her pepper.
But of-course, trust women, that part will never be added to the story when she is seeking sympathy.
It's much better for her narrative to appear pristine. Don't be surprised if he caught her sleeping with his friend, and don't expect women to put out details like that about the part she played when trying to fish the internet for thot-sympathy.

In fact, I can only respect a girl's story like this and defend her if she comes clean right from the get go with "I messed up and did this thing to him....and then he became cruel". That is only when my sympathy begins, but short of that....all these "I was an angel and he was the devil" stories just make me yawn. Who you wan manipulate?

cococandy:
Turned 30.

Aka official evening newspaper

Hahaha congrats dear

cococandy:
My DH and my bestie surprised me with a small party .
It was so sweet. And the food was delicious.
This egusi was the bomb

What was the occasion?

XhosaNostra:
Lol, IKR! I bet the same guy was yelling out the window to someone else, just seconds later. Many ladies would have their egos crushed if they knew that guys are, for the most part, just entertaining themselves when they say & do these things. It's meaningless talk on their part, while she's taking it personally, examining it & feeling like the bomb Construction guys are the worst at it.

Very true at Construction guys.

You sef check am.
Under the hot sun working all day, no TV in the office or computer to codedly watch youtube on when your oga isn't looking.
All they have out there to entertain themselves with is people watching.

And if the people that are being watched manage to have jelly in their body, why not have some vocal fun with the boys?

This is deception, and it's not cool.
Did you ask questions before you got to the point of almost wanting to marry her?

That's not something you keep from a man UNTIL it just so happens that your mum no longer wants to keep your child.
That girl is a fakist. So when was she trying to bring that up? AFTER the marriage?
It seems the only reason he found out about it is after she could no longer hide the son.


I don't know how people marry these days without asking some deep questions prior to even fiance level sef.

So you opened a whole thread just to let us know you were cat-called?
Is this attention seeking?
Every woman gets cat called. There is nothing special about this occurence that needs a thread.

That's like peeing and then creating a thread so Nairalanders can help you analyse the fact that you just peed.

I agree about roots. I don't know about ancestors.