₦airaland Forum

dominique:
There used to be a time when the bride's family sponsored certain aspects of the wedding. Now every expense is being pushed on the groom's shoulder, not fair at all. Even without being asked, you should be responsible for parts of the expenses. Women and their families should stop seeing wedding and marriage as a form of internal revenue generation. They'll only end up losing the husband's respect

@bold:

It depends on the tribe.

In Yoruba land, the bride's family hosts the wedding. The couple can do the wedding gown, accessories, hall etc.

The food which is the bulk is handed by the bride's family.

seanwilliam:
you have said it all..
1. you are submissive , I'll take your full responsibility.
2. You are not submissive, you take care of your responsibility
3. You want gender Equality, then we practice Equality in financial contributions too

What has submission got to do with financial contribution?

You don't expect your wife to be submissive because she contributes financially in the home?

sylvestersamuel:
Good morning my fellow Nairalanders, I will try to make my story brief and precise.... I have a fiancée whom I am already engaged to. As a matter of fact I have already done all our traditional marriage and rites the only thing left is our white wedding which will be coming up in the next 3 weeks.

Yesterday, my fiancée came to visit me in my house so as to discuss our wedding plans. But before she left, we had a slight misunderstanding and the reason for our misunderstanding was because I allocated 50% of our wedding expenses to her i.e (she would be the one to sew her wedding gown, pay for the catering service amongst others) while I take care of other expenses...

On hearing this, she didn't even utter a word but left with annoyance, since then I have been trying to call her but she hasn't been picking my calls neither have she replied any of my messages....

Please I need your advice, did I do or say anything wrong, because I know how much I spent during our traditional marriage rite and mind you, she earns close to 200k per month.... Insult in form of advice is allowed all I need is just your advice.

If you have done traditional rites, you are married.

So why did you both wait three weeks to the Church Wedding before sharing cost?

What is your tradition as regards wedding expenses? Who sponsored the traditional wedding?

Have you reached out to your family? Her family? What are they saying?

I guess the real question is: Did you marry a woman unstable enough to divorce you because you allocated 50% of the white wedding expenses to her?

JONNYSPUTE:
. Yes nah since nah slave dem warn turn am to. But will there be peace after sometimes?

If he or she does something and you don't act wickedly towards his or her actions,na another talk go come out like,is because he/ she is your relative that's why you acting soft.

When my wife requested for a house help from me,I told her it's either she brings the person by herself or go employ a person I will be paying for her services at the end of the month.

I can't come kill myself for marriage matter na wisdom I dey use follow dem.

.
You are talking from experience

No serious woman brings an in-law as a help

Belafonte:
Well, if I’m not discerning enough, perhaps it is wise for me to place my trust in those who have proven trustworthy, is it not? Meanwhile, millions of divorced people could have sworn with their souls they chose the best person; time proved them wrong.

People don’t know what to expect because history and statistics have shown that most people lie and these lies are only discovered down the line. Most people today, really do not want to get married but they do because they want children or they listen to society.

@Bold:

And relatives do not change or harm one another?

Or people who lie and cheat as spouses suddenly translate to saints as relatives? We don't have cases of siblings scheming to kill themselves or siphoning individual properties?

What of parents harming their kids and vice versa?

BTW: I am not saying all relationships are evil.

JONNYSPUTE:
. Yes I did because I know there was no issues between them. If there was,she would have told me of it either when the issue arosed or when I was narrating what I noticed to her. But she never did. So why would I assume there was issue? I simply helped her to enjoy her home without any relative interference. How is it an offence?

Good that you understood the perculiar issues and addressed them.

Sanchez01:
I was enjoying your submission until I got to this. This is wrong in every aspect and one of the major reasons for intolerance on the part of some men.

The idea of live-in relatives should not be one sided just because you've known your family since the time of creation. I personally think any woman who conveniently accommodates her family in her home but has issues with her husband's relatives visiting or coming over is wicked, insensitive and selfish.

A man's family should be the woman's and the woman's, the man's family. Anything short of this, particularly where one is unfair is witchcraft.

During a recent counselling class of mine, the counsellor said and I quote: 'there is no mother-in-law' anywhere.' I felt it after he finished with us because it dawned on me people only see what belong to them as theirs alone and what belong to the other as the other's, yet claim to be one and married.

There wouldn't be problems if you see your in-laws the way you see your family. If you cook for your family in your home and not grudgingly do the dishes, then why should that of your husband's family come with 'who is attending to everybody's needs?'

@bold:

I very well agree.

I fact, this is my mantra which is what I explained in one thread.

And I am a rights and responsibilities person.

The problem now arises when the in-laws (on husband's and wife's sides) do not know what their responsibilities are in the house or do not make themselves useful or see themselves as visitors (which is more prevailment from the in-laws on the husband's side). Not to say the wife's family are saintly however, they are more cautious because they do not 'want to ruin their sister's home' thingy.

We also do not buy the idea of extended stay on either side however can be accommodated on a case by case basis.

JONNYSPUTE:
Do I blame any woman who doesn't want her in-laws to visit and stay over sometimes,? The answer is a big NO.

I blame the men that allowed such to ever happened in their home.

I think it's all part of insecurity on the women that made them always skeptical and uncomfortable whenever their laws visit.

I noticed that in our house once and i put a stop to it immediately.

How did I do it? When I noticed my wife was not comfortable because our last born came to stay with us before he traveled abroad.I never allowed my wife or my younger brother to suspect anything or start complaining,I simply hurried and get him his papers for him to leave.

When he left,I called my wife and narrated to her all what I noticed and the same day I put a stop to any of her siblings visiting us just for her to experience how it feels. I didn't even give her a chance to explain anything. Knowing fully well that her siblings can't do without visiting her,playing with our son then as their first grandchild,she found it very difficult to adapt.

I did it to the extent that even her parents can't visit us because I know that my own parents won't visit since they are in the village,so I do visit them.

By the time she noticed she couldn't stand it anymore because her siblings were always eager to come over but she keeps telling them no,so they started asking me and I told them what their sister did,they nearly finished her with words. She could not do anything other than crying and asking me to forgive her.

Though I ve no younger ones that visit again,she now begs my mum or Dad to come stay with us for a while.

As a man,be wise and know how to handle issues.

You stated made conclusions on your observations without knowing what transpired between your wife and brother?

Belafonte:
My siblings have a proven record of being there for me in trying times. Face trying times in marriage and watch the woman who so “loves you” change overnight.

It’s the clowns marrying these dingbats I blame

If you can't be discerning enough to marry a woman who would stand by you, it is your loss.

My family has been there for me for, my husband has also and will continually be there for me.

Going through all the threads on in-laws, people are scared to truly embrace their spouses because they are not sure of their commitment to them.

PrimadonnaO:
There's a thread on front page right now where the OP stated categorically that a woman who would not allow his relatives live with him should not bother marrying him.
While I'm personally all about a closely-knit family on all rounds, I just couldn't look past the flawed thinking of most of the male commenters on that thread. A lot of the men were sounding as though they really do women a favour by getting married to them...
One said "my house, my rent, my food..." My my everything... what sort of mentality is that? I doubt if all of those commenters know what marriage really is all about. I'd like to address a few points.

1. To begin with, at the point of marriage, couples have got to realise that they've become one, and everything they do has to be of one mind. If your wife says she doesn't want live-in relatives in the home, you shouldn't just overrule that on the basis that it's "your house" and your family. Actually, it would be a lot easier if intending couples would agree on these things before marriage.

2. Why are the men screaming "wife can't come and separate me from my family, or make my family become the enemy?" Uncles, first off, you are meant to be separated from your family... to join your wife and raise a new family. But even at that, the fact that they don't live with you and your wife in your matrimonial home doesn't mean an enmity has been created, doesn't mean everyone can't remain cordial, doesn't mean the family won't be closely knit. How do y'all jump into illogical conclusions? As a matter of fact, there's a higher chance of maintaining a very healthy relationship with the extended family when everyone lives in their respective houses.

3. A lot of men raised the question of why women may have their own relatives living with them, but may not be very comfortable with hubby's relatives. Who runs the home? Who is attending to everybody's needs? Who is the caregiver? Let's try to be a bit objective here, please... sentiments aside... who do you think she'd more naturally and comfortably do these things for? Her family who she's known all her life, and who understand her perfectly, or your family that she's only recently getting to accept as part of the big picture? How often do you hear that men are having issues with the in-laws? Men by their very nature get around these things more easily. But women are quite emotional and handle matters differently. Also, the society plus family seem to have some sort of high expectations from the woman in marraige, all eyes are on her watching
how she conducts herself... the littlest thing that goes amiss and the table is broken. Why then would you want to put your wife in a situation where she's pressured to live up to those expectations? (I'm playing the devil's advocate here).

4. Yes, women, especially when the marraige is young want to model their homes to an adaptable lifestyle... want to walk around freely, naked or sexy. How hard it must be feeling restricted in your own home? Plus then again, sex is confined to the bedroom strictly. How does a marriage like that get spiced up?

5. Imagine that you can't have certain spur-of-the-moment conversations... or get freaky with your husband until you've cornered him into the bedroom. As insignificant as these may seem, do you realise how much it could stifle intimacy and bonding between husband and wife?

6. Lots of men on that thread kept emphasising how their families had done a lot for them to get them to where they are today. The women don't have families who went to hell and back for them, too? But life is just like that. You still can't marry them. Plus you've still got a lifetime to be there for them... and there are so many ways to do that without them living in your home.

About the lady with the brother-in-law who "dips hand into her pot." While I may be of the opinion that she was just not being accommodating as she didn't like that he was in the house to begin with, I also understand that it may have been the way things are done where she comes from.. Her own brother may have known not to even try going to her pot. As a matter of fact, if herself and hubby were just on their own, such am issue need not have arisen.

Speaking for myself now, I want to call my mother-in-law mother, my hubby's brothers and sisters my own brothers and sisters, too. I want my home to be very accommodating, an air of love and friendliness... I want to host hubby's friends in our home. I want them to be able to come freely to our home without thinking twice or bracing up for any kind of cold treatment they may receive. No. But the fact still remains that under NORMAL circumstances, I don't want live-in relatives, be it mine or his. Anyone's free to visit, free to come for holidays, free to drop by when they are in town, free to come in to stay for short periods, but an extended continued stay, is honestly not the best, especially for a young marriage.

Finally, I'll end by saying that if for unavoidable reasons, a relative has to live with you, there really is no point being hostile... take them as your own family who you'll never show the door out... and let peace and love reign.

My candid opinion.

I think intending couples need to discuss amongst other things the position of relatives/in-laws in the marriage.

Marry someone on the same page with you and all will be well.

Marry someone with conflicting values and you have to go back and forth at every instance.

Meeyankee:
So you are a real christian who always fellow the rules of Bible and Christ? But you husband didn't met you as a virgin which Bible is against? You are making reference to Christian because you want the particular topic on your side but you never knew about christians when you started funicating before you actually got married which is against the rules of christians ..

The next time you quote me with nonsense, I might be forced to report you.

I don't know you, you don't know me, you have your opinion, I have mine yet you keep quoting me saying nonsense.

I don't remember discussing my marriage or sex life or lack of with you.

Meeyankee, the play is over.

Ezeanna:
Hey guys,

If you know you are not dropping at least ₦50k per month as cooking expenses for your household( of not more than 4 people), don't come here and start talking rubb.ish about your relatives living with you and your wife.

Many wives have turned to book keepers; calculating, balancing, adjusting and rechecking household budgets just so there can be food on the table, month after month.

When you want your relatives to visit or stay with you long term, make sure you have the financial capacity for such visit; don't just say my brother/sister will be coming to visit for 2 months; ask madam what the extra cost for those visitors for that time period will be, and provide it.

We all are sentimental about the people that helped raise us to who we are currently, but it does not mean we should not try to build our own families, away from them.

If you, as a married person, sincerely feel that your extended family has got your back more than your spouse, then I truly feel sorry for your situation.

@bold:

pcguru1:
Calm down not all of us want a zoo in the house, my family knows I don't enjoy excess crowd in my house. The thought of seeing too many people in my house is a no no for me. I get cranky and extremely temperamental, even in my mothers house I would make sure I dont entertain excess visitors. My family minds their own business. We are that fortunate

@bold:

So so funny!

NeedAdvice00:
I'm not happy with her

We just started dating

Not up to 3 weeks


Though I didn't tell her I'm not happy with her.


Question now, is it compulsory to buy Val gift?


Like, what happens if I decide to just switch my phone off and stay in my house that day?

You are not happy with her because it is a few days to valentine?

Just kidding.

If you have her happiness at heart, you will know what to do most times.

missimelda01:
This is just for fun

Let's say you were given 1 naira extra.

Mine: Intelligent, great sex, can cook
This was damn hard

What's yours?

Primadonna0
Ladylite
Iyatola

8 & 9

I dash the first person to quote my post the extra N1

Awele17:
Do you know that you can get back 70% of all the money you use in buying data? I guess you don't know I am ready to teach you I make 4,000# Daily on a platform with just my data and my smartphone, I am just a student with a big dreams.. You can also start today by clicking on the link below
https:///2348120301145?text=Hello!%20I'm%20interested%20in%20Giftalworld

@bold:

I thought you were going to say 70% of the money we used in building our man

paix:
Why are you surprised? Birds of the same feather flock together.

Hahahahahahaha!

dzionist:
Most of the time I use to pretend and woo ladies online. 75% of the them do give into my demand for sex even though we haven't meet each other. some ladies will even get wet during the chatting conversation and invite me to come sex them hot. Gbam. This young generation, God have mercy

Are these ladies lesbians?

singleguy03:
I can't help but point out the fact that guys here seem to enjoy cruelty towards women.

I have also found out that all this cruelty seem to originate from this red pill philosophy currently sweeping the Internet.

Below are screenshots of some really hurtful comments I have found.
Guys please why is this so?

Because the ladies let them.

A porn actress and a porn producer?

I would have thought they would be compatible since they are in the same line of business.

Meeyankee:
Which kind text book be this again? I leave you to ur believe because I have seen that you don’t want to learn.

Thank you.

We do not speak the same language, how can we have a meeting point?

My 'textbook' is for Christians.

Not Nigerian Christians, not Christians by filling forms.

Christians in the actual sense of it.

AmTruth:
I love your objectivity, as in the case of Abraham you could understand that these did not happen in the immediate of their marriage.
No man would certainly allow his relations to stay with him for ever, they are all groomed to leave at a required time. even you doing that is not helping them to majure.
But you can't just come into my life and the next thing is that I must separate my relations from our marriage.
Even if she is my sister she would certainly leave one day to marry too. So no one would certainly stay forever, so why the unnecessary restrictions.
And the scriptural interpretation of man leaving his house doesn't mean depriving your people from your home.
The Church only gave a caution for early marriages for those who didn't define issues very well during their relationship and the church never advise that couples should not allow their relations to stay with them.
Check it very well you would see that marriages that doesn't allow relations closer to them always find themselves Dying in Silence when the inevitable challenges of life begins to display.
Truth is that Women should understand that when it gets tough these ones would be your backbone. Because you would still need them whether you like it or not.

Maybe if the men decide to be good husbands no matter what happens, the wives would not need their in-laws to be their backbone?

sassysure:
U won't understand why if u are not versed in naija politics.

My hubby is anti trump. He normally watch " our cartoon president" to piss me off.
Now, he is soft pedalling. I have been mocking him since after the ruling
He made me got interested in US politics and since I want to always win when he start his smear campaign, I started studying and following American politics. There is no CNN or American news channel here so we are always shown the neutral sides of things.

I'm more interested in their international policy and economic growth. So far, he is making history.
Wish this our mad Johnson will be like him but so far so good.

International politics you mean.

I understand what Trump represents and how most of his policies are seen as 'anti-Nigerian'.

If we were a bit introspective, we would understand that our target is not Trump who is putting policies in place to better the lives of his people (the white Americans) but our Govt who have failed us so much.

The Nigerian's (esp in Nigeria) hatred of Trump is as irrational as a man angry that his neighbor is buying a thicker curtain to prevent more light penetrating into his living room so his family can enjoy better movie quality. The man is angry because he can no longer view the TV from outside and calls his neighbor 'insensitive'.

Some people even opined that the largest demographic of educated and skilled black immigrants are Nigerians. Most Nigerians contribute to the workforce.

True, however, America is doing those skilled Nigerians more favor and Trump has not stopped any Nigerian from dumping the US and coming back to Nigeria.

Even Nigeria did it to Ghana; small Lagos very recently did it to the non-Nigerian/ Hausa/Fulani bike men.

To every serious leader, the safety, security and comfort of their people come first.

victorian:
Leave families and cleave to wife, doesn't mean cut off completely from one's family forever and cleave to one's partner. Leave means to move out of from the family home and create a new family wit ones partner not outright cut off.

Sighs I was once engaged 18years ago and my ex wanted just me and him all alone. He doesn't want my only brother or mom near his home but his own family can come visit and sleep over. I felt lost, I felt alone, his obsessive love was not enough to make me happy. I was very young back then. I felt he was very wicked trying to cut me off from my family. And that singular act with other things that followed broke us up.

I can't cut off my mom and only brother, hell no.

In fact it's unhealthy telling anyone who has close ties with their parents and siblings to cut off from them.

Now my parents and sibling is no more. And It hurts. I envy people with moms and siblings. They don't know what the have around them, until they loose them to the hands of death. No need cutting off from your families, don't worry Death will take them away naturally from you. Just be patient and try to make use of any quality time u have to love and care for them.

They will definitely leave one day through death. So women and men making all efforts to cut off their spouses from their parents and siblings. Relax, they will die one day.

As most of y'all, don't want to see your parents again immediately y'all get married. Please be patient wit them. They will die one day and y'all will be free from their pestering and visits.



Sighs, people sef


If God ask me to mention only one thing I want in this life next, is God please bring back my lovely mother and brother. Bring them back to me, that's all I want in this life I miss them like mad.


And some people are trying all their best to cut off and alienate themselves from their parents.

Na wa o.

No where did I tell anyone to alienate or cut off themselves from their birth families.

All parties should just realize that the spouse now comes 1st.

If the spouse (husband /wife) is places first, every other thing would fall in place.

sassysure:
And that ideology has destroyed many marriages in Nigeria.

Men key into that, then use that to intimidate and suppress their wives, wives on the other hand flare up when the man is a bit controlling and I wonder why.
U allowed a man bought u over as a commodity so he uses u as he wish. The moment u start exhibiting independence, he will cut u to shreds.

Or the scenario where the goose that lays the golden egg has died, the wife will turn into something else, now seeing the man as the monster he is not remembering that she dated and married this same monster but material gains clouded her judgement on who the real man is.

Very very true.

Keypazwad:
I want out.
Already planning my exit. I’m just worried for my kids.
I don’t have the finances to cater for them yet. Don’t know if their dad would still be up to his responsibilities when I separate from him

How are you planning your exit if you are not financially able to sustain the kids without your husband's input?

What is your plan as regards generating a stable income?

If your husband is as bad as you claim., he would be too smart to take you to Canada.

If he even take you, he might kill you of he find the divorce laws too stringent or tilting towards your side.

I would advise you focus on becoming financially able to sustain yourself and the kids and forget Canada if you are truly tired of the marriage and want to move on without him.

His move to Canada might even give you the freedom you need to love on without pressure from pastors and family.

sassysure:
I have been an ardent follower of trump before Potus.
The guy has not changed. Bad mouth, very focused and highly intelligent. He will drain you but will get the work done. Not emotional at all. My cousin made sure I watch that. Said I should learn a lot from it even though I don't understand half of what they say then
Watch the apprentice and u will see it's the same old trump.
Late Joan Rivers has a lot to say about trump but she admitted he is a goal getter. That is what made me like him.
Hated republicans too much but this guy has opened my eyes to the real enemies of the world. Puppet Obama is my number one enemy with Hilary(she is still yet to recover from the shock of her defeat).

My opinion of Trump aside:

I do not understand an average Nigerian's hatred of him.

They don't even channel that level of hate to Buhari.

The irony would be those who support Buhari and hate Trump.

Hilarious

Misscongenialit:
If want ti leave your wife becos of sex with another woman and you need advice. Please leave her so she can get a man who deserves her and treats her like a good woman Good riddance to an ungrateful bad rubbish

Is there anything in the hole u entered that is different from the hole in your wife? You men need to understand it is all in the mind, nothing more.

All of the time you have spent on this lady, taking her places, fun places admiring her and telling her things she wants to hear. If u spent half of this time with ur wife and did half of these things with her , I would see same happiness. But at your age it's unfortunate that you want to throw away a family because of public toilet, what a shame !!!

You never deserved to be a father or husband , just a big fool who has no sense .

How people never understand this is beyond me.

I like the OP, he is looking for a permanent fix by marrying the side chic

It is the ones cheating while they still want to maintain the marriage with wife/husband that amuses me.

yvelchstores:
Stupid fake story. U supposedly married at 24 and your wife at 20. Then you have twins, age 1.
If u have been childless for 11 years, one year is too quick to kill all your joy from father hood to embrace cheating.

I am suspecting nl now hires ppl to post captivating but FAKE stories cos the kind of stories I see these days, are playing with my intelligence.

Hahahahahahaha

You don vex.

Charleys:
Why should he leave his family. I thought the wife is part of the man's family too.
The wife is married into that family. As a matter of fact it's the wife that's suppose leave her family not the other way round.

Are you a Christian?

That should have been my first point of discussion.

It is Nigerian culture that a wife marries into a man's family.

Scripturally, a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife and they form one flesh....

The Bible also tells us to honor our parents so ideally, no parent is left hanging

The new couple forming a new branch take care of their families as one represented either as the husband or wife.

So, neither families (husband or wife) can claim it is their brother's house or sister's house.

They respect the rules of the couple and not claim 'rights'. The couple in turn host them and make their stay comfortable.

This also means there is no 'your sister is sick', 'your mother needs money' etc. There is also no 'we only send money to your mother' etc. The couple review the needs of their extended family together and attend to them in the order of priority irrespective of who it is.

When the couple needs help, they also present a unified front to their family and request for help.

One of the major reasons people want to drag their family individually is because they are afraid they would need them when either of the spouse misbehaves.
'oh! Suck up to your in-laws so that when your husband misbehaves or changes, you can have your in-laws' support'.

How about we teach husbands and wives to be the best they can so that in-laws can take their rightful place at the back seat?

If anyone is not interested in doing marriage the Christian way, don't bother with 'Church/White wedding'.

Even in the vows, you state that you forsake all others etc. etc.

The truth is that in-laws would relate with a spouse the way their child treats that spouse.

Cc: victorian, Meeyankee.

victorian:
Wow! Really?

So u are ready to cut off from your mom and sisters because u are married?


Na WA o

May God help men whose wives are planning to isolate them from their families.

Too bad

Same God who told men to leave their families and cleave to their wives?

pocohantas:
Not only akwa Iboms, growing I knew a lot of aunties that you dare not enter their kitchen and they were not from Akwa Ibom. Come be to dish from their pot. I don't know why some people are acting woke here, whereas their mothers dished for them and they picked from the eldest to the youngest- in that order.

Some women don't care, some do. Their different sentiments to kitchen and private places shouldn't be discarded.

OP should simply tell him her kitchen is personal to her. Not too late to address issues.

I was not going to address the rightness of the OP's BIL going to the pot because of individual differences however I am amused at a lot of the answers.

Growing up, I never entered people's pots except when:

1. I cooked the food
2. I am given express permission to serve myself.

Whatever sha.