₦airaland Forum

crackhaus:
Find your man, the one who is exactly what you desire as perfect for you... and have a happy life.

The day you realize that the only man who matters is the one you choose to be with, the better for you. Leave nairaland guys and most Nigerian men to be what they want, you can not succeed in making every male fit into your definition of what a man should be.

You know what you want in a man, seek him and pay no attention to the majority.

Cheers.

This Easter is great.

CHoccolaTE:
I decided to reply this post first because the bolded part caught my attention.
The choice of a husband should be something every young girl takes time to very carefully evaluate and meditate over and over on before it is made. This is not emphasized enough to young girls of dating age that is why there are many married women crying and complaining everyday of suffering under the oppression of their monster husbands. I am a member of many female oriented groups on Facebook and no day passes by without women coming out to narrate some kind of horrifying ordeal she passes through at home but comes outside to put on a happy face.
In western countries women are protected against oppression by laws but hardly so in many African countries such as in Nigeria where a man who didn't do court marriage can decide to throw his wifes things outside in the middle of the night or can decide to abandon her to fend for the children while he chases skirt outside.

African women have no business bring careless with their choice of a spouse. That is what will decide their happiness or misery for the next ten or twenty years.
And I am very strongly of the opinion that no woman should be completely jobless and dependent on her husband. She is just setting herself up for abuse and disrespect from her husband because regardless of what scriptures say, a large percentage of men do not believe that wives should have their needs met by their husbands.
And the failing economy is also something to take into consideration. Women need a good source of income in order to have economic power and leverage and to avoid any kind of tyranny and abuse from husbands that will start regarding them as worthless because they decide to be co breadwinners.

I don't believe non earning equals disrespect.

One of my in-laws had a housewife because he wanted her to travel with him anywhere he went. He esteemed her so much they she was the ONLY mediator between her husband and everyone else.

There was so much romance that in their 70s, they bathed together and when the man died, the wife followed two weeks later.

Even death couldn't separate them.

And I have seen several earning wives, breadwinning wives who are constantly disrespected by their earning and non-earning husbands.

As much as the West have laws in place to cushion the effect of a divorce, no law can make a man treat his woman right.

That's why the onus is on her to choose well.

crackhaus:
Talk for another day.

You are running abi?

crackhaus:
If she had made a move to sweep immediately the accident occurred, do you think her mother-in-law would have let her continue or not?




@bukatyne,
This is the context my question to you seeks to address.

It also explains what I meant by this bit in my first comment:
Second thing I would want to know is what your wife did immediately the mirror fell, did she act like nothing happened and was going about her business, or immediately felt remorse and instinctively (forgetting she was 7months heavy) rush to get a broom?

Whether she picked the broom instinctively or looked like an entitled princess, 7 months pregnant is not the time to treat her fvckup.

I agree that the wife is a drama queen sha. She is Nigerian for goodness sake and knows the expectations of her husband's family. If the husband shield's her from them is another thing altogether.

How do you hold a 2yr grudge against your MIL because she asked you to sweep the mirror you broke? If she was talking about her biological mother, I hear. In fact, I wouldn't sweep it if my mother asked me to in that state. If my MIL did, I would jump at it. .

The OP should humour us and tell what grudge the wife has against her SIL.

Only a wicked person smiles while owing the landlord rent.

He/she would not enjoy the fruit of his/her labour.

crackhaus:
If you want to find out how right or how wrong something is, don't ask ONLY women.

Just like your wife, a lot women will judge a personal situation based on how it made/makes them feel.
Anything that makes her feel good has to be right, anything that hurts her feelings must be wrong; there's no rationale behind it.
Your mother in that exact same scenario feels what she did is right, and your wife feels otherwise.

As a son and a husband, how did you access the situation?

First thing I would want to know is exactly how (tone) your mother told her to sweep the broken glass. Was it commanding, was it gentle, what words did she use?

Second thing I would want to know is what your wife did immediately the mirror fell, did she act like nothing happened and was going about her business, or immediately felt remorse and instinctively (forgetting she was 7months heavy) rush to get a broom?

Either way and whichever answers you get, the broken pieces of glass MUST be swept off the floor.
The important question remains, who amongst both of them should be responsible for doing it assuming there was no one else around that could have been sent to do it? I'm sure you know the answer already at this point.

Being 7months pregnant is not enough reason to have hurt feelings over clearing up glass that fell from your own hands.

If it was her own daughter, she wouldn't watch her sweep the glass off the floor whether it fell from her hands or not.

And only very few people (men & women) are objective enough to judge matters irrespective of how it made them feel.

jombo21:
I got married to my wife 3 years ago and the marriage is blessed with a baby girl. My wife took in during courtship and we decided to take the relationship to the next level, i took her home to meet my mum and she fell in love with my wife at first sight. Few months after the introduction we got married. Since then all have been well with the marriage until i started noticing my wife's uncanny feelings towards my family (esp my mum and younger sis). Last week, my wife and my sis had a little misunderstanding which i tried to settle between both of them, one night before going to bed i called her up for a brief discussion hence settle the rift between them. During the discussion my wife bluntly told me that there was something my mum and sis did to her that she will never forgive and forget. I was shocked!! ( this is a woman i go to church with every Sunday).

I told her to tell me what my mother did to her and she said it happened 3 years ago when she was 7 months pregnant when visited my mother. She was holding a mirror, which mistakenly fell down and broke into pieces, my mum told her to get a broom and sweep the broken pieces of mirror which she did. Now, my wife's pain is that my mother is so wicked to have watched and allowed her to bend down and sweep with her 7 months pregnancy because of that my hates her.

I was shocked to the marrows, i am still in shock because my mum loves my wife so much, she prays for us and often call my wife to check up on her. Please women/mothers in the house i wish to know if my mum was wrong cos am so confused about this.

While I understand your wife's pain, she should forgive her and let go.

I doubt a biological mother would watch her 7 month pregnant daughter sweep shrads of glass off the floor.

He probably has madonna-LovePeddler complex and divorces them after childbirth.

chijos12:
poverty most times contribute to ladies behaving that way...

What poverty?

These girls were beauty queens and with sense can build empires.

How can two very beautiful young potentially successful women who can have any man (local or international) debase themselves to be just baby mamas?

I can't fathom it.

Another 2face episode loading.

Happy birthday Omoni.

vivaAfrica:
I wonder why she is complaining online when she would have use that same data or airtime to notify her people to come save here. People will just use her and make headline and pitty her while the problem remains

True

Blue3k:
She should call the police if she has an issue. If you want sympathy and attention vent on social media. Domestic violence isnt cool but you need to help yourself. People can jump in but if you go back to thst person it will be waste of effort.

Police can't help her.

A neighbour, friend or reasonable family member is the best bet.

She needs out of the house first.

BuhariIsBURIED:
Get a divorce

Divorce ke?

Her family should come pick her up for survival and they discuss resolution or divorce from afar.

Alusman:
I once lived with my aunt in Tapa Street, Ijesha after my Junior School Certificate Examinations in 2009. I did not grow up with the habit of always spending holidays with relatives because my parents would have none of that. But after my aunt chastised my father for 'caging' us, he had to let me travel for the first time ever.
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Arriving Lagos came with mixed feelings. It was my first time leaving home and I was inundated with this great feeling of homesickness. My aunt tried her best to make me feel better. Ikenna, her son, who was just about the same age as myself tried even harder. He introduced me to his street friends. He took me out to soccer fields. He even engaged me in Ludo games with neighbors. But my reticence just did not quell. Then, as days metamorphosed into weeks, I felt more at home. I laughed more. I spoke more. And Ikenna became my best buddy. We ate together. Took our baths together and I also moved into his room.
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Because I was very observant. I noticed this tension between my aunt and her husband. I saw it in their stares. In the way she called on her husband, her voice laden with what seemed like fear. In the way she carefully dropped his food on the dining table, the delicateness. In the way she stealthily entered and left their matrimonial room. I did not understand. But I continued to observe.
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I think my aunt and her husband got tired of pretending. I think my presence never mattered as their voices woke up I and Ikenna one early morning. I remember I saw my aunt running out of her matrimonial room with her wrapper loosely wound around her chest. Her husband followed on cue, flinging his shoe at her as he ran after her. As though their house had suddenly turned into a track field and they were on a race. As a door connected with its jamb and a loud sound ricocheted, I shivered with a start. Before I ran out to catch the early morning drama, I remember I was first held down by Ikenna. We made eye contact. But his stare was as hard as gargoyle. But in that stare was something else. It was a mixture of shame and sadness and a certain knowing. It suddenly dawned on me. My aunt was in an abusive marriage!
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So, my aunt was securely locked inside the room I vacated to join Ikenna in his, and my aunt's husband was banging on the door. He poured vituperations on my aunt. He called her unprintable names and vowed to deal with her if she didn't open the door by herself but let him break into it. In all these raucous, my aunt kept quiet and Ikenna never came out. My aunt's husband got tired of ranting and made for their bedroom. He saw me standing by the corridor. And even when I greeted him, he ignored me. He came out soon enough with a spare key. He locked the door my aunt was in, went into their bedroom. He came out later and then left for work.
.
That was my first experience of marital violence and that memory has never left me till date, because, honestly, I do have mental triggers whenever I relive that moment. Good a thing my aunt had the intuition of taking the key before entering the room. Some hours later, after confirming her husband had left, she unlocked herself and came out. Her eyes had the same features as that of her son. She avoided eye contact with me. Soon afterwards, my mother called. After talking with my aunt, she asked the phone be given to me. My aunt placed the phone on speaker mode before handing it over to me. My mother asked how I was fairing. Asked if I was feeding fine. Asked if I was enjoying my stay. Yes. Yes. Yes. I answered and she hung up after her entreaties.
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My second experience of marital violence was in August, the month my holiday was to end in Lagos. On a cold Thursday night. After a dinner of spaghetti and boiled eggs. I was sitting with Ikenna and my aunt and her husband and our eyes were fixed on the television watching another episode of SuperStory when my aunt received a phone call. Hello. I'm fine dear. A dry laugh here. He's fine. Another dry laugh there. Ikenna is fine. Thank you very much. She hung up and resumed watching the soap opera. My aunt's husband asked who called. A friend, she answered. Can I see your phone? Silence. Can I see your phone? Silence.
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It was when a slap connected with my aunt's cheeks and she released a scream that Ikenna and I sprang up, the yellow sofa falling behind us. My aunt's husband held my aunt down with his left hand. And forcefully wriggled the phone out of her hand with his right hand. Who called you? Who is this friend that has no name? Cheating idiot! These questions were accompanied with slaps. My aunt struggled to answer but her throat was still held by her husband's strong hands. Ikenna's intervention did nothing to help. My aid did nothing also as Ikenna and I found ourselves on the floor on impact of his father's shove. Ikenna's shouts rhymed with his mother's. My aunt succeeded in throwing her husband off her body and he landed on my legs with a heavy thud. As she made for the door she flinged her heavy footwear at her husband and it missed my head by an inch. I never saw my aunt till late evening and the air of silence between I and Ikenna was very dense.
.
After that harrowing experience. I resolved never to be mentally assaulted as I come from a very peaceful home. That evening my aunt returned. My mother called again. This time I was frank and straightforward. Much to the chagrin of my aunt and Ikenna's pleas for me not to go. I. Want. To. Come. Back. Home. Mummy.
.
Now, sitting under this tree with its wilted leaves surrounding me, reliving my 2009 experience, I am quick to diagnose the disease that ate away on my aunt's marriage which consequently led to a separation in 2012: LACK OF TRUST. I also make bold to say that any marriage or relationship that lacks trust is bound to fail. Trust is the fuel that keeps a marriage running. It is the oil that keeps the fire burning.
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You see, my uncle's lack of trust towards his wife rubbed off on my aunt. If my aunt missed his call. If my aunt came home a minute later than her usual time from church. If my aunt spent more time in the salon or market, it automatically translated that my aunt was cheating on him and that was another reason for a big quarrel and fight. The same theory held true for my aunt. I think this also affected their sex life. Else, Ikenna should have siblings.
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The other time, before we traveled for Christmas break, my roommate reiterated that he will never marry a girl who was still in the university.
"Why?" I asked. Knowing that promiscuity is not exclusive to university girls. It cuts across.
"You ask why? Do you not know that they are promiscuous?" He answered. (This assertion gave me a good laugh. A housewife can very much cheat with your next-door neighbor).
It was not the promiscuity of university girls (even married ones), but the trust issues on his own part that was fast becoming a disorder that bothered me. When I told him that he had trust issues. That word 'trust' had an emotional charge on him. And it dawned on me that his trust had somehow been betrayed. I understand that it is human nature never to trust when our trust had once been betrayed. But then, why will you marry someone you do not trust? Someone you cannot trust?
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Remove the passwords from your phones. If there must be a password against third parties, share your password with your partner. If you have the knowledge that your phone can be checked anytime, I believe you'll be faithful. I like to tell people that my parents use the same phone, much to the agitation of relatives. If I want to speak to my father, and my mum picks, I ask that the phone be handed over to father. And vice versa. With such, no trust issues will emanate concerning mobile communication. But every marriage has its own formula. What works for A might not work for B. So, it's your onus to find out what works for you and keep to it.
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Do not give your partner the chance to stop trusting you. I can never stop stressing this. I have this married female friend who'll tell me that she'll always fake compromising calls in her husband's presence just to make him jealous and keep him around her. I told her to stop such act. Why will you goad the waters of peace? What are you looking for? Don't worry, you'll soon see what you're looking for.
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Because, I want to live a long and happy life. If I ever take a decision on this thing called marriage, I will never marry someone I do not trust. I want to be in a marriage where I can take my partner's word for it. Where I do not have to doubt whatever my partner says. Where trust is a mutual feeling. So this is me telling you, dispel distrust in your relationship. If you feel the threat of distrust, address such feeling immediately. Because the lack of trust is a prerequisite for a failed relationship.

Lalasticlala
Seun
Mynd44
Dominique

Hmmmmmm

You must have been a wise boy and your parents loving.

I very much agree with your submission.

You night want to edit the address though.

seguntijan:
Good evening guys, I was having a chat with my friends and senior colleagues today about marital responsibility and their view shocked me.

My friend said it is a MUST his wife contribute to the family finances, in fact he said he only take care of the HOUSE RENT(with associated bills) and his sons school fees while his wife takes care of the sons clothing and the whole family feeding (Except during festivals, birthdays that he dropmoney for feeding), My senior colleagues also said the same thing applies to him that in fact it's been 4 years ago that he dropped feeding money at home.

I also have a female colleague that support the idea, that she has to take up one or two responsibility at home to ease the stress on her husband.

My father always told me before his demise that what make you a man is the responsibilities you shoulder on, in fact there's a man in my area that doesn't eat his wife food if he's not the one that dropped the money.

Now my question is

1. How will a man accept to share the responsibility of Food, clothing and shelter with his wife?

2. How will a "man" sit down his fiancee and started sharing responsibilities when he's supposed to be the "provider"?

3. Considering the current economic situation, is it feasible to hold on to this mentality?

4. If not how should an intending couple go about it?

How are the house chores done?

I would have preferred like due to dust, rain or sun.

Marriage26:
Good day nairalander,

I am a popular jingo nairalander but got to hide under this moniker...


I have been dating my fiancee for the past 7 years, she had met my parents and I have met her's many times . We planned to get married earlier year. But it was the year my mother left this planet, I informed my family I wanted to get married but they declined, saying, it must be over years of mumsy's demise before I can marry.


We've fixed introduction days 3ice and it got cancelled by my father, what's his reason?


1. NYSC: I was posted to serve in the Northern part of the country 3 years ago, I went to camp, but I couldn't cope with the weather and couldn't leave my business as NYSC won't guarantee me job and I don't have other option. I absconded from the service and faced my business which I saved profits in 7 digits in same year, God made me comfortable.

2: He said I should rather impregnate the girl (backdoor talk)



I am close to my late 20s, he already banned all family members as many depend on him from attending my introduction.

He cancelled my introduction without fixing a new date.

My in-law trust me and ready to release the lady to me as I haven't had sex with her since 2012 that we've been dating...


And Also, God had supplied all I needed for my wedding from A-Z.



Do you think this is a cogent reason?. I want to ahead with my wedding plans...


Kindly advise....Thanks

When did your mom die?

May her soul rest in peace.

CHoccolaTE:
So many Nigerian men have these disgusting double standard for marriage.
They are just really naturally selfish and self centered its so disgusting.
They want to cheat on their wives because they are supposedly "naturally polygamous" but will want a 100% faithful wife as if adultery was not forbidden for BOTH men and women. So which religious books are they following when they justify adultery with their naturally polygamous excuse?

They will be busy looking for financially independent wife that is providing for themselves and also contributing to house upkeep from her salary but they will also demand 100% submission from her. What kind of narcissistic and inconsiderate expectation is that please?

Excuse me but I don't even care if you think its because of arrogance or pride but a woman who is financially independent cannot be 100% submissive. What will she be gaining from the marriage then if she brings money to take care of your needs in the house but you still boss her around like an employee. Even men at their place of work can never be wiling to obey their boss if he isn't paying them their salary or if they are using their own cash to run the boss's company.

I am not even encouraging the wife to disrespect their husbands because they are financially independent, no. But I don't see why men will find it disrespectful if a woman who brings her hard earned money to pay rent or school fees or even food items wants to be part of the decision making process in her house. They want a docile sheep they can profit financially from and still control like a slave from at the same time.
Scammers.

The status quo about wives always submitting to authority of husband changed the moment you men decided that women should be financially independent and join their husbands in providing for their families.

The origin of the whole wives submission and husbands providing thing is from the Abrahamic religious books (Quran and Bible) which decreed that women submit to husbands while men go out and fend for the family. Islam makes it clear that wives are under no obligation to provide for the family and Christianity explicitly stated that men who cannot provide for their families are infidels.

Nowhere was it stated that it is the duty of the wife to join her husband is providing but you men want to guilt trip women into believing that they are failures if they don't join you in providing for the family. But you will never accept that you are also under obligation to cook or clean or take care of children just like the woman. The best you can get from men when it comes to house chores is a little assistance while the man will not fail to keep reminding his wife that he is just assisting her and house work is not for the husband.

Such irritating selfishness. Tufia

And lastly, that bullshit excuse of women becoming arrogant after they start earning more than their husbands or when the man is jobless is just complete crap because men do WORSE to women if the woman is completely dependent on them. Its in the nature of humans, males and females, to have more pride and ego when they are doing well in life or when they have a lot of money. Husbands who earn far more than their wives also exhibit tyrant and oppressive behaviours to their wives. Majority of them will always insult or degrade their wives and insult them because she depends on them. Some will even shamelessly keep girlfriends openly and flaunt it in front of their wives because they think she cannot go anywhere since she has no money. If she complains to outsiders, nobody chides the man or cautions him. They will tell the wife to get a job and start contributing to the family so that the man can respect her.
But when a man is dependent on the wife everyone wants the woman to increase her submission to him to hundredfold and not show any sign of arrogance and to patiently help him build himself up and pray for him.

Nonsense.

Like I would always say, women should choose their men well.

If they do not take any other choice serious, the choice of a husband should be done with atmost seriousness.

Very successful women even foreign like author of 'Lean In' has admonished that the choice of a husband is the most important choice a woman would make.

Secondly, women should stop training sons they cannot marry. They complain about their husbands and train their sons to be exact same thing. If this is not evil, I don't know what else is.

Thirdly, they should discover who they are in their late teens/ early 20s. If they are already in their path, many unserious men and destiny killers will not come near them. I know a number of men who told me they couldn't marry a woman like me because I was too serious and ambitious. At this time, I was dating my husband already so they were not trying to spite me, they were just stating facts.

Fourth, women should have respect for themselves. If you have no respect for yourself, I do not see why or how anyone else should have respect for you.

And lastly, women should quit the victimhood. A lot of them love monster like husbands so they have something to complain about. Observe closely and see that women would champion the side talks when a man actually treats his woman well. Who do you think would complain more and tell us how virtuous they are if a man says he cooks at hone regularly/ does chores? Who do you think would mock a man more if he says he has to consult his wife on all decisions? Who do you think would make life miserable for the wife if they find out that their brother really loves his wife and treats her like a princess? And who would sometimes disrespect their husbands if they decided to treat their wives as humans?

Some women can only respect their husbands who treat them disrespectfully. He has proven to be a 'man'.

freedomchild:
I can offer a lot dear. It's just that the fame and little money you ladies have beclouds your senses. You ladies are selfish and only enters into relationships for selfish reasons.
What more will want in a relationship than care, trust, good sense of humor and a good sex... most of you ladies are even boring in communication and expect the man to do everything

I will skip the generalizations but...

If you can offer a whole lot and choose a girl only interested in your money, the blame is on you.

pandv:
Please I need an honest answers.

Define submission to you.

freedomchild:
When we say women can't handle money and fame the feminists will come for us.. My uncles from experience told me to deal with ladies below my class if I want to enjoy my Relationship. Once a woman has gotten what you can give her for herself or from someone else, she'll have no reason to remain in the relationship. Forget about love they claim to show. I experienced this with a lady back in Enugu because we earn the same thing in the contract job.. it's because of these bullshits that men run away from successful ladies. After they'll claim Nigerian men are egocentric. Nonsense

What else were you giving her apart from money?

EarthKing:
. Even me too. I felt pity for when I saw her recent pic. That woman has been Through a lot lately.

It is well.

etrouble:
All of you should come back to this topic five years after marriage. Boyfriend and girlfriend game in not the same as marriage.

Quarels may last for days, weeks, months or even years in marriage. I have seen couples living in the same house but sleeping in different rooms and each person cooks his/her own food. Maybe they dont want to divorce or seperate becausr of the children.

We have never slept overnight with any quarrel after 5yrs of marriage and 13yrs of knowing each other.

EarthKing:
She is still pretty @ 49. Celine Dion is not that older than her, she has wrinkled away.

Shan George is the original version is runs girl in her prime. The synonyms of present day slay queen. Can't lie, the business has given her a livelihood, may God continue to keep her.

I wonder what happened to Celine Dion

texazzpete:
https://www.eelive.ng/olajumoke-orisaguna-in-dire-straits-three-years-after-fairy-tale-rise/

Thanks

Hmmmmm

Done with the thread.

First off, it is unfair that some people just remembered that Jumoke and Sunday were not married. Even the law recognises common law marriages and I believe that their relationship qualifies.

To the issue of the divorce: I would have thought that TY Bello offered 360° mentoring and adviced on the dangers of sudden fame to a family.

Except the husband is a demon or just became one, most of the people gearing her up just want a piece of the pie and make her ungodly like they are.

Her kids would suffer because she no longer has the time to constantly monitor them and the next shareholder is her husband.

They could have established in whatever business of his choice so he has a life outside her and not always in her business.

Anyways, Mide Martins' home broke for a few weeks before they both came back to their senses.

There is still hope for Jumoke and husband.

texazzpete:
Excellent news! She's finally gotten rid of that stupid leech.

How can a man of his age be content being a 'kept lover'? Deadbeat fellow wey no dey contribute shishi.

She even tried, sef. After reading that his vitriolic interview he gave about her, I wonder why she didn't get rid of him immediately.

Link to the interview please.

BusinessHub1:
Start from inside be checking what your dad offered/still offering. My apologies if you have/had a terrible dad, u can still go ahead and a couple of your friends. We can take off from there. Happy Easter

You are the ranting here.

If you offer something other than money, your wife wouldn't fly away after she makes money.

NOETHNICITY:
Sad as this may sound, a lot of our women are just putting up with us cos dey got no choice. Make them financially independent and watch them evaporate before ur very eyes

Then the guys must be terrible if the only thing the women hold onto is money.

yesloaded:
Oga why all this?

I'm sure you never followed up her story

A responsible man should be able to cater for his family

From the story flying around, the guy was unable to cater for this gal which forced her to travel to Lagos state to hawk bread for survival.

she's a trained hair stylist but couldn't setup her business due to start up capital, she saved up some money and returned to Osun state to start her trade but not too long after setting up her shop, she's back to square 1 & had to return to Lagos, picked up her tray then begin to hawk hawk bread again

the said baby daddy has no handiwork because according to what we read, he don't own shop of his own but only assist his friend with aluminium fabrication trade.

Above all, am not trying to support the girl but I don't think its appropriate for you to hurl such insult on her person.

I do not know her story however, this your thread only buttresses his point.

Poverty is not a sin, laziness is and the husband working with his friend shows he is not lazy.

Doors opened in their family through Jumoke and it is only a pity they broke up.