₦airaland Forum

jobaskia: @OP At least you were not caught in the act u still ve a brighter chance to bring your wife back home . Continue to implore she will surely come back. Some women have a heart of stone and they are rigid and you could be lucky your's has a soft heart so you stand a better chance to have her back. The trust is on a collateral damage now , so you have to watch your back at all times. Beg beg beg beg beg she will answer you.

And what do you mean by the bolded?

If a woman decides to divorce a cheating husband, she has the heart of stone? Are you serious?

If she decides to forgive and accept him back, that's fine BUT it's not compulsory she goes back to the marriage.

I am sure you will sing a different tune if reverse were the case.

freecocoa: Point of correction, the OP said her boyfriend is nice, I only repeated what she said so don't put that on me and for her to say that, means there are certain things he does which she's at home with, whatever it is isn't my headache.

Now I'll tell you something, my very first boyfriend hardly called me back then, I was the one always calling and complaining he doesn't call, it continued for a while till one day he told me how I always keep calling even after the complains, he went further to say that if I told him he didn't call and wait for him to, then maybe I would have no reasons to complain but that I keep calling so he keeps receiving and don't see reasons to call when I won't even give him the space to, what he said was true because I don't see how you'd call someone for over 30 mins and call them back an hour later to complain that he doesn't call, that call would also stretch to another 20 mins and the circle keeps going. After that talk with him I learnt my lesson.

What am trying to say is, that the OP's BF may be selfish but it doesn't mean he can't change or atleast compromise if the OP played her cards right. If he refuses to help her out with some things then let her leave those things undone and let's see how it goes but she complains and still goes back to do those things, just what do you think would happen? he behaves that way cos he knows she'll end up doing whatever he wants even after the complains.

Your 2nd paragraph is great...
Your BF was concerned about the no call issue and set to address it. Whether he decided to give excuses, start calling, told you to stop calling etc is another thing entirely.

Does the OP's BF see this as an issue? Is he set out to address it?

Let her try your way and see if it would work. The guy might need it to sit up.

fluid26: Honey, concentrate o, make she no take you unawares...

Sorry, I don't do fights, E or R!

freecocoa: I'm not o so make me understand what your point is.

You said the BF is nice and I wanted to know your definition of nice...

We always can't see things the same way... You feel she overpampered her BF, I feel he doesn't love her or is not willing to change. Overpampered people I know like others to plead before they lift a finger. They behave like babies and go the extra mile when you can appeal to their soft side/ego. Every lover indulges their partner one way or the other BUT it must go both ways. If she complained that the BF likes her to cut his nails or shave his beard or tuck in his clothes/in bed or pack his bags or cook a special meal etc I would tell her to run along and learn to do it better.

Our bros is NOT even ready to lift his finger despite her pleas (According to her story). From her story, what really can we say she gains in her relationship?

We can just point out the pros and cons of her choices while she and only she determines which choice she makes.

P.S. My Initial question was NOT personal and I am NOT interested in OP's BF. I have my darling already and he's just perfect for me in his imperfection

fluid26: Round 2.

FIGHT!

At where

freecocoa: I'd love to believe you have a dictionary so do well to look it up yourself to have a better if not the best understanding of that word.

Come I don't even understand your own for the matter, the OP said he's nice so she must have a reason to say he is abi na you dey date the guy? seems to me like you are trying to paint the guy all bad, from what I understand in everything the OP has said, she gave room for what is happening in her relationship, she over pampered this guy and now she's suffering for it, she can still change the situation if she wants to.

So wetin be your own?

I want to believe you are joking with this your post.

lynpetra: The last time we were together in Abuja,I was preparing to go for service in Akwa ibom.Since I was going by road and would be spending more than a month,I made sure the whole house s tidy cos my aunt is coming back from UK with her fiance so.....After buying all I needed for camp,I spent the entire day packing,shopping and cleaning,ironing.That evening I lost my phone in a Taxi cab and wen I called back,the man has switched it off.I was pissed cos my family will be trying to reach me and since its late,there was no way I wud at least retrieve my two lines.I called my guy to tell him about it and he just giggled! That wasn't funny but am used to that so I told him I wud have to wait until he returns from the office so I can leave the house.At about 11 pm,he started looking for his boxers o,insisting that he left it on the bed.I told him that I was the one that cleaned the house so I didnt see any boxers at all.O convinced him to check his travelling bag since I was still busy in the kitchen.He insisted he didn't drop it in his bag and went to lay down.I came out of the kitchen and started looking for the said boxers o.Even inside pot of soup.I had to go back to my bag where I have packed all o needed for my NYSC camp and started unpacking to see if I have mistakenly packed it unknowningly.I didn't see it,so I went to his own bag and I saw it and all this while he was watching me from the bed as I just dey do all this slowly cos I wad totally week and would be embarking on a ten hours journey like in less than 6 hours.When I confronted him,he just took his boxers and didn't even alter a word .So I went back to my scattered clothes and provisions to resume yet another tedious packing.OKIJA JUJU.isn't it just wonderful

I really wonder what you are complaining about...

Pray that God gives you extra strength so that you can continue to slave for him.

freecocoa: Lmao .

Now you are talking, men are naturally lazy too but not all sha, the key is knowing how to get him to do those things you want.

I once dated a man that could do everything that concerns house chores, him own come dey vex me sef cos it made me appear lazy, this guy did everything with a smile and song on his lips but his flaw was women, he is very cute so women often came at him and his weakness is how to turn them down, he may not be sleeping with them o but he enjoyed the flirting, I just use my head know say that one must cheat and the annoying thing about that is that you as the woman must know cos he doesn't even know how to hide.

So you see OP, you cannot have it all, just learn how to handle your man since he's nice.

My dear, kindly define what 'nice' means

[quote author=Okija_juju][b]At OP:

Let me get very serious for the first time on this thread.

YOU have issues! Thats the blunt honest truth. I have read through this post and all you have done is paint your boyfriend to look like a lazy, unromantic, undeserving, piece of shiit, whilst painting yourself to look like a saint, a rare treasure and mother Theresas incarnate.

You havent said one positive thing about this poor man of yours, and it breaks my heart.

Now hear this, THERE IS NO PERFECT HUMAN ON EARTH. No relationship is picture perfect either. Ask those who are married here. You have a Man who obviously loves you, seems to take you seriously (since you have met his family), does not cheat on you either and has never hit you. His only flaw is that he didnt go downstairs to buy water, he didnt spread the clothes you washed, he plays with you roughly, he talks to you too much. LIKE ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I know myself, I would have kicked you to the kerb a long time ago. Dont fool yourself that he is still with you because you are so indispensible, because nobody is.

If he wouldnt go downstairs to buy the water, you can go downstairs, but the water and later find a way to punish him for it. Go and learn the art of controlling your spouse jor! All these girls advicing you to do this and that are all puppies. Every relationship is unique in its own way. I am very sure that if your guy comes here today, he would also have stories to tell about you. I am disappointed that a lady would put her man on blast like you have. Go and read through your posts, you are so self-absorbed, its all about YOU YOU YOU!! I have done this for him!! He came from Bauchi to look for ME offshore!! He chased ME on Facebook, Twitter!! he knows I amd Valuable!! ME! ME! ME !! So your man is lazy, and so what?! Is he the first?! Isnt it your role to make him better?! I am very disappointed in this thread!! I want you to step outside and find out what a bad man looks like.. When you see what a typical man can be, you will thank God for what you have.

Go and meet your grown and married friends and letthem teach you how to handle a man.


A girl bickers about her man, a lady learns how to work with the man shes got and mould him into the man she wants.. [/b][/quote]Okija, morning.

Nobody is perfect BUT there is a difference between a man willing to change and one who is not willing or doesn't see anything wrong in what he does.

Let's assume he's lazy or carefree...

That explains the fish issue. What about the clothes and buying water?

OKija, we compromise when we are in love. Even lazy people try to improve. They may not become so hardworking but they are willing to improve. The guy could try to spread some clothes or something. The willingness to change is the KEY.

How can a man/woman claim to love someone and you see them working and you just cross your legs? I can't even visit my girlfriends and let them do it more talk more of a man I claim to love? Are you telling me if his friends/family members come, he won't do anything at all?

Morning all,

For the sponsoring of the wedding, It's just that it's her family that should pay 70% and not her. Where I come from, it's the bride that sponsors the wedding. For all my male cousins that wedded, we did nothing except cook a little for our special guests in case anything happens. For my female cousin, we spent ...

The deed is already done.

Take care of your baby and move on

Dear OP,

A lot of guys are saying so many things...

You and only you know the kind of life/marriage you want so go for what you want.

I Know that:

some men don't need to be told before they assist their GFs and wifey...
Some men need to be begged before they lift a finger...
some men will not help no matter the pleas...

It lies solely on you to determine what you want and go for it because at the end, you and only you will live with the consequences of your choice forever.

And please, stop playing wife for a man you are NOT married to especially as he doesn't appreciate or reciprocate.

A man that loves you doesn't need you to wash his clothes and cook for him before he realizes he loves you.

lynpetra: Well,the am so certain that he loves me but he is sooooo selfish.One of the reasons I decided to go online with this issue is that I don't want to behave irrational by making hasty decisions because that is the ONLY problem I have in the relationship and its pissing me off big time

Dear,

Love is not in words but deeds.

Men truly in love have been known to compromise over and over again...

So many men have helped their wives with chores in secret before it was acceptable...

A man in love can't watch you stress yourself without lifting a finger to help or improving your life one way or the other. A man in love is NOT difficult to please. He is pleased with all she does provided she doesn't take his love for granted.

Are you sincerely sure you are NOT forcing yourself on him? A man that doesn't love you will never do no matter what you do for him, to him and with him.

This issue you think is 'only' is really very complex. He doesn't care about you and it will keep manifesting in several ways.

Sit down and decide if you can cope with his lack of care or not and make your decisions.

It's well.

Alleinad: A lot of ladies don't go out once their career life begins, they always in the office or at home, or at a bouique, how is a guy suppose to see them there? Some of them walk around with that matter of fact face that should be kept for strictly office, around the place, scares the hell outta a lot of guys. Some ladies become too demanding while pursuing their careers, the kind of guy they seem to want existed in the days of zeus and venus. I never met a loosened up, friendly, successful lady, who wasn't scared to be under a man, and ended up pressuring a pastor or men for marriage.

Don't these said ladies go for meetings, seminars, etc?

What do you mean by the bolded?

blahcknproud: @Bukatyne; I'm 25, are u 23?

Lol!

However, I wonder why people see marriage as anti-flexing.

obicentlis: tpacalipse has said it all! Be your real safe, adjust only bad manners but stand firmly on your principles. If she really likes you, she gonna adjust and cope for good!

I hope it goes both ways...

goldfish80: Ufoma wins it for ♍e, Mercy looks like an everyday mum.

Because Mercy is dressed like an everyday mum.

Let Mercy wear Ufuoma's dress and you might be singing a different tune.

Chomzy19: If a person starts thinking of marriage when in college, when does the person want to flex n have fun? Nowadays girls enter college by 17/18 and are generally done by 23/24, they shld strt thinking of mrrg and considering suitors then. Its not wise to mix schooling and marriage, one must surely suffer. But then if u are already in ur late twenties n still in sch u shld start considering it.

I don't know what you mean by flexing but I know that the best flexing is enjoyed in marriage with a spouse you love and loves you too.

Imagine you marry a 25 yr old man who really loves you @ 23. By 26, you are done having your kids...

You get to flex for the next 44yrs if you live till a min of 70.

I know this is a surreal situation but...

This is my own definition of real flexing!

I like to do what I have to do on time and move to the next step!

True2myself24: I was watching CNN and they were talking about how women plan their lives in terms of marriage. Well there was a woman on the show who was saying that the best time for a woman to look for a spouse or a potential spouse is while she's In college because it's at that age and environment that you're most likely to find a man who is, what she called, on the same social and intellectual level as you. According to her, women of this generation have been taught to use their twenties to futher themselves academically and professionally. Marriage should be something you seek after later in your thirties once you've achieved all or most of your professional goals. But then the problem with such an approach, again according to her, is that women end up marrying a lot later because of their careers and by the time they're well settled professionally they're in their early to mid thirties and have nothing but their careers; and not only that, but they have a limited pool of men from with they can chose from because the men they could have dated, and maybe married, when they were in college are already married and probably with their first child by their early thirties. Some people called this woman's advice sexist and regressive because if taken out of context, it sounds as if she's telling college women that they should be preoccupied with getting married instead of furthering themselves.

Me on the other hand I agree with her. I think that while you're young and in school you should keep your eyes open and see what's out there. I don't think that you should rush into marriage right away; afterall, you're not going to school just to walk straight into marriage and start making babies. I'm all for women developing themselves while they're young, but It's also wise not to shut out every guy that comes your way all in the name of advancing yourself in your career. What good is money and a dream job if you have no one to share it with? What's your opinion? Do you agree with the woman's argument? Why or why not?

Good points.

[quote author=BABE!]I doubt she can see her "private part" just looking straight down.

Eniola (on the left) and toolz(on the right).[/quote]Not every woman can be curvy. The Apple shaped woman has no hips so even if she's slim with a flat tummy, she would still not be curvy.

tbaba1234: Allah says:

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa-i bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim faalssalihatu qanitatun hafithatun lilghaybi bima hafitha Allahu waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna faAAithoohunna waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi waidriboohunna fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran (Surah 4:34)

iii. Rebellious wives

waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna

And those women you fear their rebellion

nushooz is crazy stuff i.e The wife goes psycho. It is extreme stuff not the normal disagreements. The knife throwing, breaking stuff wife. Clearly outrageous behaviour. It refers to a serious, unusual rebellion by the wife. Out of control rebellion.

Now so what should you do in this case?

faAAithoohunna

then counsel them

Give them advice, sit them down and give them advice. Also, it doesn't neccesarily imply that you directly give them the sermon. Get sermon to them. you could get her to a counselor or to someone she respects.

It means you can not give your wife a slap because she is behaving badly or getting on your nerves like unfortunately many muslim men do. Maclatunji asked a question about a woman with a very bad tongue, If her behaviour is seriously outrageous, your first step is to advice her and if you think she would not listen to you, get someone to advice her. If she has anger issues, maybe she needs to talk to a professional about her anger. Get her parents to talk to her.

Lesson: MEN HAVE TO BE THE ONES THAT TAKE THE BEATING!!!

You have to take the verbal abuse and in response, Allah says: you counsel them or get counsel to them. This may go on for months or years. You keep your cool and you never raise your voice or got angry. If you do, you start over again. If after a period of trying this and it is not working. She is getting worse or not showing any signs of improvement.

Since she has gotten worse overtime, what is the next step you take?

waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi

Then leave them on their beds when they lie of their side

If all the period of counsel and trying to get her help does not work. Then leave them on their beds.

Leaving the wives bed is an expression of extreme anger. She can hit you and say mean things to you but she knows you are going to come back to bed. When you don't come back to bed, it would bother her.

Maybe that will help her rethink what she is doing. It is important to note that each step is a long process and it is only when you have thoroughly exhausted one phase and know for sure that it is not going to work that you move to the next phase.

If the woman has some decency in her, she is going to feel bad about the husband leaving the bed. However, if she shows too much pride and anger, after you have kept this up for a little while ( whilst at the same time continuing the counseling/advice).

If nothing happens, then Allah says:

waidriboohunna

Hit them

oh oh...

So how many muslim men fulfill conditions one and two?? it is so sad to see how the ayat of Quran are abused by muslims... If anything, this ayah is a lesson in patience for the man in dealing with an outrageous spouse, it is such a magnificent ayah. It is disgusting to see that women are abused under the shade of the ayah... The ayah is also very specific to a clearly rebellious and outrageous wife.

When we think of the relationship between a man and a woman, we think of the general principles revealed in the Quran and the specific application in the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). 'waidriboohunna' means how the prophet did it. So let's see what he did. From what we know:

The Messenger Said (last sermon): ‘O people! There are rights in favour of your women which are incumbent upon you, and there are rights in favour of you which are incumbent upon them. As to what is incumbent upon them in your regard, is that they should not let your beds be trampled by others besides you, should not allow those to enter your houses whom you do not like without your authorization, and should not commit turpitude. If they commit this, then Allah has given you permission to reprimand them, to separate yourself from them in beds, and to strike them without causing pain, harm and injury. If they abstain (from this wrongdoing) and obey you, then it is incumbent upon you to provide their food and clothing in goodness. And I command you to treat women (your wives) well, because they have submitted themselves fully to you in your houses, possessing nothing for themselves. You, on your part have taken them as a trust from Allah and derive benefit from them on account of a word from Allah. So fear Allah with regards to women (your wives) and I order you to treat them well.’ (Ibn Hisham).

How do you strike without causing pain, harm or injury? SubhanAllah... Maybe a tap that will get her attention.. How do people justify the monumental kind of assaults that take place??...

If we follow the Quran and the sunnah, should we not follow the words of the messenger?

A light slap on the shoulder or the hand is as far as a man can go.

A slap or hit on your wives face is absolutely haram, It must not affect the body or cause injury to to the skin or the bone.

“Aisha reported that Allah's Messenger, may Allah bless him, never beat anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant, but only, in the case when he had been fighting in the cause of Allah …” (Sahih Muslim, Hadith 4296)

The Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?" Hadith - Bukhari 8:68 (Volume 8, Book 73, Number 68), Narrated 'Abdullah bin Zam'a


Hadith - Tirmidhi, Narrated Amr ibn al-Ahwas al-Jushami
I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will*, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.

How then do muslim believing men who claim to live according to their faith (Christianity and Islam) abuse their wives??

And this ayah is very specific to women that are clearly outrageous.

Imagine after stages one and two, it is two years now, you have been completely patient with her in spite of everything. Never insulted her back, Never raised your hands,. She starts making trouble again, breaking stuff and all. This time you slap her lightly on the shoulder telling her to stop this. She is going to take notice because you have never raised your hands before and unless she is really really psycho, she would recognize that you have been incredibly patient with her and it is bound to make her think.

If you have never ever laid your hands on your wife before, this light slap will jolt her.

There is no room for the kinds of assaults, some muslims commit.

This surah started with 'have taqwa of the relationships of the womb'. How are you going to assault the mother of your children?? You are not going to have taqwa for the mother of your children

This gets me so mad i can't even begin...

fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran

If they follow you, then don't pursue a case against them, God is most high and great.

If they come to their senses, then let bygones be bygones. Do not keep reminding them of the past. Make a fresh start. This is a very important thing in marriages, you have to learn to make a fresh start. Do not bring up the past. It is done, finished!! Let things go...

And just in case, the man starts to think he is the authority..

Allah reminds you that he is the most high and the great.. Remember who the real authority is.

@ bold edited portion

It's a general problem...

Maybe men can give us the answer.

They don't look like they are excited to be with their father or pose with him.

It's not a nice picture for publicity or keeping.

zeefa: Well, I don't kw what to say as per your comment. I feel she is just getting jealous unnecessarily. As regards your suggestion, if she decided to pick up calls from any of her female friends too. Franklyspeaking, I won't mind if that will make her happy.
The person in question help her get the materials for her PLAB exams & other stuffz. This person is not just a friend but a brother from another woman ready to do anything for us as a family.

My dear, I can't be given u details of my family on NL. But he has done a lot for her too especially when she was pregnant. His wife don't really complain cos he told me he has warned her never to pokenose into our affair.

But my own wife seems to be strong headed that won't just listen or understand but all she intend to do is 2 dish out the threat of a divorce.

As I said, I will call both party to a meeting on sunday, then I will give the house details on our conclusion. I pray it works, but if things go wrong, I have no choice than to let her go. I respect her a lot & I love her and I don't expect such from a woman that care & love her husband.

Besides, am so grateful for all your advise & suggestions.

I want to believe my eyes are deceiving me @ the bolded.

Your friend warned his wife NOT to poke nose into your friendship?
Your wife is strong headed because she doesn't feel comfortable with your friendship with Dayo?
You are willing to let your wife go for your friendship?

Mbok, tell us what is really going on so we can advise you.

chukwudi44: Since you know the bible so well why don't you show me where the bible asks us not to say the rosary or asks saints not to intercede for us.

Also show me where bible alone is in the bible.show me where the bible asks us to use or worship aprons

a. Read Matt 6: 7: "And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words.


b. Read 1Tim 2: 5: "For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." Saints or Mary can not mediate for us. The Holy Spirit is our intercessor Rom 6: 26 - 28 therefore, no saint can intercede for us. We can not pray to the dead or make request of them.

Do you also know that all Christians are saints? "To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling, with all who in every place call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours" 1 Corinthians 1:2

Do you know that all Christians are priests? "But you (all Christians) are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; " 1 Peter 2:9

dowjones: @bukatyne
So true, its all about the union.

Exactly!

9lifes: what about

-Mumu (at least 10 times a day,for 20+ years)...lol..i am very serious
-I.d.i.ot

-wasting my money putting you in a private school

-dumb (wrote SSCE 3 times,wrote JAMB 4 times)-just finished my masters in engineering abroad without his help

-arranged a vocational training for me because he lost hope..lol..boy i frustrate that man,my own no goo too

-beating, some times for no reason(my own no get part two)

Effects:
-It took me years to overcome low confidence despite being one of the smartest kid in school (words affects,especially when they are said in serious tunes)

-I became very defensive,expressing myself became hard no matter the environment(that was then)

-It took me years to forgive him..i became bitter towards him

-I had issues with authorities,infact anyone i perceived to be the head

-I still react till date when i see his abusive attitudes in parents around me-sometimes i confront them

-I became verbally abusive as well,and hot tempered too..it took me more than 5 years to put this to rest

Yes when you become an adult,one is expected to take responsibility for their actions,but sometimes we fail to admit how messed up most adults and parents are due to their upbringing. Your words affect people,especially those looking up to and depending on you.Don't just say things to your kid ,if they must be punished it must be for a specific reason and make sure that reason is well referenced.Discipline is important,but parents should also learn to discipline there kids wisely.

Anybody,woman,man,sister,mother,grandmother,father, grandfather,including my dead ancestors,wey call my kid any funny name..wahala go dey ooh!

God bless you for this detailed analysis.

The bolded are so true. I guess that's why a lot of women and even men will have issues submitting to anybody especially husbands. It becomes worse when the person tries to 'force' you into submission instead of earning your love and respect. My fiancée really tried in who I have become today. It's God, My mom, him and a few others I am grateful to. When I just met him, I used to tell him that I was not interested in marriage because I did not want to become a slave or suffer from the hands of any man! He would lovingly explain that marriage is not like that etc. etc. and all that. He was really the one who built our relationship to what it is today.

I had to tell my fiancée not to use the phrase ...'I am the head' either joking or otherwise because my dad used that line a lot when he wanted to justify a wrong deed. Anyone who reminds me of him automatically enters my bad books till I consciously and prayerfully move them to my 'good' books. Lol!

The anger... I am still praying o! When I was younger, I was always angry and irritated. God found me and started to fill my heart with his love. Now, I rarely really get angry but when I do, Oh la la.

My relationship with my dad distorted my view of God. I thought God was really up there, a very cold and impersonal being. It was really later God opened my eyes to a verse in Hosea 11 where He was talking of His love for the Israelites... Paraphrasing ...'How can I let you go...'

Not everybody is fit for parenting or marriage. Marriage can't complete an incomplete person or make a bitter and wicked person sane. I laugh when people especially women marry to become 'complete'. An unfit single will make a worse spouse.

We are really very messed up in our society because of this but parents (grown abused children) continues the cycle.

It's well.

9lifes: what about

-Mumu (at least 10 times a day,for 20+ years)...lol..i am very serious
-I.d.i.ot

-wasting my money putting you in a private school

-dumb (wrote SSCE 3 times,wrote JAMB 4 times)-just finished my masters in engineering abroad without his help

-arranged a vocational training for me because he lost hope..lol..boy i frustrate that man,my own no goo too

-beating, some times for no reason(my own no get part two)

Effects:
-It took me years to overcome low confidence despite being one of the smartest kid in school (words affects,especially when they are said in serious tunes)

-I became very defensive,expressing myself became hard no matter the environment(that was then)

-It took me years to forgive him..i became bitter towards him

-I had issues with authorities,infact anyone i perceived to be the head

-I still react till date when i see his abusive attitudes in parents around me-sometimes i confront them

-I became verbally abusive as well,and hot tempered too..it took me more than 5 years to put this to rest

Yes when you become an adult,one is expected to take responsibility for their actions,but sometimes we fail to admit how messed up most adults and parents are due to their upbringing. Your words affect people,especially those looking up to and depending on you.Don't just say things to your kid ,if they must be punished it must be for a specific reason and make sure that reason is well referenced.Discipline is important,but parents should also learn to discipline there kids wisely.

Anybody,woman,man,sister,mother,grandmother,father, grandfather,including my dead ancestors,wey call my kid any funny name..wahala go dey ooh!

God bless you for this detailed analysis.

The bolded are so true. I guess that's why a lot of women and even men will have issues submitting to anybody especially husbands. It becomes worse when the person tries to 'force' you into submission instead of earning your love and respect. My fiancée really tried in who I have become today. It's God, My mom, him and a few others I am grateful to. When I just met him, I used to tell him that I was not interested in marriage because I did not want to become a slave or suffer from the hands of any man! He would lovingly explain that marriage is not like that etc. etc. and all that. He was really the one who built our relationship to what it is today.

I had to tell my fiancée not to use the phrase ...'I am the head' either joking or otherwise because my dad used that line a lot when he wanted to justify a wrong deed. Anyone who reminds me of him automatically enters my bad books till I consciously and prayerfully move them to my 'good' books. Lol!

The anger... I am still praying o! When I was younger, I was always angry and irritated. God found me and started to fill my heart with his love. Now, I rarely really get angry but when I do, Oh la la.

My relationship with my dad distorted my view of God. I thought God was really up there, a very cold and impersonal being. It was really later God opened my eyes to a verse in Hosea 11 where He was talking of His love for the Israelites... Paraphrasing ...'How can I let you go...'

Not everybody is fit for parenting or marriage. Marriage can't complete an incomplete person or make a bitter and wicked person sane. I laugh when people especially women marry to become 'complete'. An unfit single will make a worse spouse.

We are really very messed up in our society because of this but parents (grown abused children) continues the cycle.

It's well.

@OP: a big kudos to you for this topic.

This is one of the reasons why a typical Nigeria is so bitter and angry. If we check out such homes, there is absolutely no love between the parents. They just stayed together so that the society would not castigate them.

Most of our parents can't show us love. How many patents hugged their kids or peck them? How many parents tell their kids they love them? How many parents build up the self esteem of their kids? Some want to but can't because of their spouses.

I knew who my mum really was after we left my dad. I never knew she liked laughing or watching soaps or playing until now. I used to see her as a very strict person with no time for much play or humor.

The child abuse is just a symptom. Check out 90 percent of homes where the kids where abused, there was no love between the parents. The husband was probably the C in C who ruled with Iron fists. The wife and kids are probably treated same way.

The truth is determining to be the best father or mother might NOT be enough. It really starts with marrying/being the right person. Love your spouse and that love will naturally spill to your kids.

There are however, exceptions.

All the best.

Ubenedictus: really?? My dear i dont believe in many "god". For me God is one.

So you believe that Christians and Muslims serve the same God?

INTERESTING!

maclatunji: Who in the Bible is a Christian? You cannot exist without your source. The more you say the Catholic Church is not true to Jesus (AS), the more you make it clear that Christianity is not a reliable means to seek God. Add this to confused Christians like Bukatyne and you know I am so right.

Please stop ranting about what you don't know. Do you know what 'Christian' means?

Read Acts of the Apostles and know who the Christians are.

maclatunji: #Confusedgirl, we only make it clear that the Bible is much too inaccurate and tell you what really happened to several individuals and people's throughout history because of the spiritual relevance. History is owned by all of us not an exclusive property of Christians. By the way, get it in your brain that there is only one God and stop trying to present Him as yours.

#Silly

Maclatunji, I don't know if simple English is difficult for you to comprehend...

We don't serve the same God or have anything is common. Is this too difficult for you to understand?

The Bible is much too incorrupt really? By the Quran's standards? Why are you so interested in tying the Bible and Quran together?

Please park somewhere abeg!

peteregwu: My friend, dont be ignorant of what is written in the bible. so, if someone should ask you the meaning of christian, u will be looking up and scraching your head. christian means christ-like. one who who is walking in the ways of Jesus. Acts 11:26 KJV. "
And when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to pass, that a whole year they assembled themselves with the church, and taught much people. And the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch." and their is nothing like, am a catholic christian. it does not make sense, that means their is catholic muslim.

He is already ignorant...

Pray for his spiritual eyes to be opened.

Fhemmmy: Ojoro man, you removed yours, maybe if you put it back on, MIGHT stimulate madam as well . . . so try it and you will give thanks to Fhemmmy Motos

Na Fhemmy or Fhemmmy motors give advise?

Oya na, poster wears ring and stimulate madam
Madam do wella n over jollificate poster
He decideth to buy a car for madam @ Fhemmmy motors...

Abeg poster, take to FM's advice and start spotting ya ring!