₦airaland Forum

The problem is not being in a long courtship, the issue is how well they get to know each other within the time frame of the relationship before marriage. Getting to know another human being entirely is a life long experience that can never be fully accomplished, our experiences in life shape us along the way and our priorities change after certain periods of time. I'lld rather contend that the bone-of-contention here shouldn't be the length(quantity) of the relationship, rather the richness(quality) of their experiences together in the relationship.

Haven't you met people who you've only known for a month and you feel like you've known them a lifetime? Haven't you seen relationships that last 8 years and the couples had only seen each other perhaps 4 times a year due to long distance or career situations?

I'll leave with this example. (more like a cliché):
Even though the titanic movie was based on a scripted page inspired by a tragic event, most people think Jack and Rose would have made a perfect couple in a life-long marriage. Well interestingly, they both didn't date that long on the ship, but the quality of what they went through together would serve them a lifetime.

So bottom line: If the value (quality) of your experiences together in a relationship don't look like one that would last a lifetime after a considerable amount of time, focusing entirely on extending the length (quantity) of the relationship would be less likely to improve the quality.

Impressive talent. With some proper tools and a better image capture device you could capture a wider audience.

prettytasha:
why should u ask him? that's a very ridiculous question ', do u intend adding to the salary or you are just a scavenger .. abi you be minister of finance that wants to plan his budget ...

6th to comment ...i dedicate this space ..to all lovers of quantum physics , my bestie , mtn nigeria for fast network and to all my friends in webmaster section lol ...#dancing etighi

Over 200 likes on this comment? or do they all love quantum physics? Hmm.. I say its cos she's a cutie.

Your last post explains volumes of the situation. You are yearning for his love, but he seems withdrawn. Well newsflash, he has been through this before... You see, you don't love this dude the way you claim to do, your competitive spirit to conquer keeps you welded to this unyielding heart of his. The minute he lets himself go and loves you with his whole heart... You have won and you would no longer have the need for him. He knows this perfectly and because of this he is stuck in the vicious cycle of trying not to be had.

Enough of the accusations. This is what's going on in his head, maybe you can see through that and focus on what you need to do:

Find your purpose in life. Your man is more likely to open up to you if he finds that you are dedicated to something. A lot of men don't even know this but it exists in every man (especially those with soft tissued hearts). Men are more likely to trust that you would remain committed in the relationship if you have demonstrated your commitment elsewhere. It might be a business or career path. If you are quick to change decisions about your life's course(I.e it appears you don't know what you want out of life), the man who's been hurt before is likely to believe in his subconscious you would leave easily and this hardens their heart more.

So here you have it. What to do lies in your hands.

Number 2, 3 and 4 seem to be true.

I'll add this

5. Social: A man that's got a charming sense of humor and can stir up a stimulating convo with any of her friends within her circle. No matter their class or status (Imagine going to a function organised by your partner's workplace, and she has to introduce you to her friends and senior colleagues, would you look like her man or like her househelp? Can you hang out in the club or pub with her and her girlfriends with their boyfriends and what would they think of you? I hear you think aloud: Who cares what her friends think? Wrong bro's, women would always gossip(not in the bad way), I mean they'lld always talk about you to their friends, and what they think of you, accounts for 90% of how she sees you. She's told them how great she thinks you are, when you finally show up, its time to prove you indeed step up to the plate. Don't underestimate what she told them, trust me its a lot!

So there you have it dudes, happy life.

Last post

From experience, God answers. He didn't make it possible for living things to engage in teleportation as a function in physics, for a reason: You would have to embark on a physical journey to your destination so that you can learn about the distance it takes, the dangers, the other routes, and eventually appreciate the destination when you eventually get there. So in the future, you can always lead someone else there or find your way around. That same principle applies to you and your situation philosophically. The apparent quietness you feel is like a journey in a vehicle. You have an idea what the gps maps say, but only the driver knows how to avoid the roadblocks, diversions and dangerous paths to get you there safely, perhaps your original destination would only give you half what the destination the driver is taking you to, could give. It seems like forever, but soon you start observing maybe the way you knew wasn't quite as profitable as this one the driver is taking. Only at arrival to your destination do you realise God had answered you long ago.

hertz9te:
typical nigerians,always blaming their shortcomings on people around them......Bros no vex,i was just trying to illustrate something

Bro what the man said is true. You certainly didn't attend Nigerian government run old generation universities 10years ago and above. This sort of behaviour was common place. Or haven't you heard of girls who were graded poorly cos they refused their lecturers immoral advances? Or guys not paying for handouts? Before mobile phones and social forums were rampant, it was hard to expose these individuals. Many students suffered in silence. Those of us lucky to pass through in flying colours know what we went through.
Now while this man graduated recently, he probably was still a victim of such. Don't judge.

Thread closed

Please somebody should clear the air on what is happening in Nigeria. Is it that people don't have good ideas or they are too selfish to share? What's with all the contact me's I see on Nairaland. Nigerians wake up please. If someone posted this same question on yahoo answers or a foreign site you are more likely to get better answers. So I ask again is something wrong with Nigeria or the business sense and environment there?

It's really tiring when someone asks for business ideas and almost everyone on nairaland starts marketing themselves. Gosh do they even read what the Op requested?

As for OP I understand your situation, here's my 2p. Take sometime to view Shark Tank on YouTube. Start from season 1. Thank me later.

End this thread now

Femistico:
@ ur dp, pls which street for heaven cuz u too pretty to be ignored after checking out ur pix..

Haha! Don't let make-up fool ya bro, these girls can look like beyonce if they have the proper skills to handle the brush and pen and liner. Btw, this one looks okay though. Just saying in a more general sense.

Baroba:
Just to add, I live in the UK and I interact with a lot of Nigerians students in my church..

Good points by the op, but let me add this, be careful the university you choose, a lot of these so called universities hustling for students are nothing more than glorified polytechnics, most of them are after that £11k fees some Nigerians are able to pay upfront..

These unis rely on foreign students from across the globe to run their schools since most home students take out loans to study or are on a government sponsored course such as Nursing or Midwifery, So I will I advise anyone intending to do study here to do your research and opt for some of the well established universities, unless you prefer do be doing baseless research and been taught by PHD students..

I have met quite a few who regretted their choice of Uni..

Finally, I you plan to settle here after you studies, make sure you familiarise your self with matters pertaining to immigration, the conservative government led by Cameron are bent on making life difficult for those who intend to stay. In the past marrying an EU national usually helps you secure your immigration status here, now new laws intending to make it tough its been implemented as we speak. Google am, its all online..

Don't expect paradise, England ain't a bed of roses, with all that in mind one will be fine..

If I may add, those who intend to study Nursing Bsc, can now write the exam for adaption to UK Nursing and Midwifery council.. A work permit can be secured if you are successful with written and practical test I was told..

Thank you for a very honest post. I commented the same thing (bolded part of your post) on some thread here on nairaland and the OP of that thread tagged me an Alarmist. Some people hate to admit the truth. I'm glad there are people who can have an opinion on nairaland without being attacked by those who don't do proper research.

BTW, kudos to the OP of this thread jare.

EggovinMma:
Buhhaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa."!

Nwanne, what did you do for these people to attack you personally like this? Abi dem chyke you, you no gree? Biko nwere nwaayo.

cap28:
Why is it so difficult for you people to understand that in order to have sex with a woman she must give her consent? Even if she had been used to playing around with the guy, does that mean that she had no right to say no to sex with him and 2 of his friends?
This girl is 19 years old, she is still a kid, there are a lot of girls of that age who act like tom boys especially if they grow up in a household where they are the only girl in a household of male siblings, she trusted this guy and probably looked up to him as an older brother, what is wrong with that?
You mentioned lions having an instinctive need for meat, yes that's true but lions are animals and their lust for meat is based on a natural instinct to hunt and kill in order to survive, do human beings need to ra.pe in order to stay alive?
The difference between a human being and an animal is that the human being (hopefully) has the ability to exercise self control - when you make the kind of excuses that you've made above you are basically saying that you are incapable of behaving like a human being, well if that is the case you should be treated like an animal and you know that when an animal attacks a human being it is usually killed.

Oh I understand you perfectly, but I think you misunderstood what was posted, read my previous posts. No one is justifying the action, A normal thinking human being doesn't rape only an animal does. My point is the guys aren't human, they must have shown signs of it before and she should have protected herself from these lions in human clothing immediately she discovered they weren't behaving human. When you don't scold a child you found playing dangerously with a knife in front of your house or take measures to ensure he doesn't come back, the next time they play they'll try to stab you with it. This doesn't make the child free from blame, but maybe you would have saved yourself from being stabbed or saved the child from becoming comfortable playing dangerously with knives. hope this clears things a bit for you on where my posts stand.

otiigba1:
the most sensible comment i have ever read on this forum, very articulately put, you know? this worries me everyday even though my my son is just 3 years old

I understand your concern, Most times what I tend to see is .....

Scenario 1: When both parents have a similar mindset = If both raise the child the british way, they are less likely to have problems, but then they'll have to expect the child to act british and think that way for good. However if one has an African mindset and the other doesn't, refer to scenario 2. if both parents behave totally African in a british society, refer to scenario3.

Scenario 2: if one parent has an African mindset, the other doesn't, and they cant reach a compromise on how to raise the child as a team, the problem always begins from there. The African doesn't want his child to be raised without being forced to follow morals, the other parent believes the child should learn morals only through reason (i.e if the child agrees to, good, if not he/she shouldn't be forced). Soon the child sees a conflict in the way both parents treat him/her, if things get worse and they get divorced, the child remembers the differences and tends to feel/blame one of the parents (usually the African-minded one) for abusing them due to the divorce.

Scenario 3: If both parents have an African mindset, the probability of the child turning out awry might still exist, but it is reduced when there are members of extended family/close family friends with similar African mindset not very far away and these usually come around or have family gatherings and events. Or perhaps, the parents travel to Nigeria/Africa often. The goal is for the child to understand that the way they are raised is cultural and acceptable by people who share family bonds and not an attack on him/her (the child). So having other Africanparent-raised children around is also important so they have someone to grumble to about how their parents are so mean in a funny way.

In both scenarios 2 and 3, here is what really goes through the child's mind when they aren't made to understand the African mindset one or both of their parents exhibit while growing up: What happens to these children is that they make friends with other children at school from majorly British homes and when the African-in-britain raised child mentions how their parents treat them at home (barking and spanking), they are surprised when the other kids reply saying how lovely and nice their own parents are and even brag about how many holiday trips they've been to in the summer. This makes the child think there is something wrong and eventually it begins to affect the child's self esteem. After a while, it affects their learning and one teacher shows concern, the next minute the authorities are at the parents door with a charge of child abuse.

my 2p.

Yes the guys were wrong, but could she have avoided the event? maybe. She said one of the friends grabbed her and threw her on the bed and she thought he was playing, was she used to these sort of play and did she warn the guy when he did it before? Did she read the signs in their lustful stares before that day and stay away?
Its unhealthy to ignore signs that show you are being monitored for an attack by a predator. Most bad incidents show signs before they happen. Friends don't turn enemies overnight, the signs usually appear and someone overlooked them. The guys have probably shown her their true motives and she just laughed it off without taking the signs seriously. Mad people would always do mad things, A lion will always eat meat, do not mistake its playful nature for friendship, it is just trying to earn your trust to keep you close for the day it gets hungry, so it wouldn't have to run 500kms to hunt you down.

Nneka123:
Exactly!

Nairaland is the only place where some of the guys are indifferent about some cases like this. They try to rub it on women's faces that they are the one who deliberately wanted to be raped or they will be looking to hear from the rapist side of the story.

There's nothing plausible or any reasonable explanation to hear from them. They raped her, it's not the lady's fault.

Some of them are even saying she was constantly going to guy's house. Yes she was going. Was she going there to have sex. I mean their logic over this situation is silly! They will always blame women for everything!!

True, she made friends with the wrong sort. Every mother should teach their child (male or female) to be careful around people especially people much older and experienced. She's 19, those guys were 25-27. At their age, most people are either engaged in a life pursuit, a career, or already successful and planning to settle down not looking for young girls to prey on. Those guys don't seem to be responsible to me, She didn't truly know them or how they were raised, she became friends by virtue of their moving into the same neighbourhood. Not because they share common interests or ideals. She should have been warned by her mum that such meaningless friendships most times end up like this or worse. The guys have every reason to be blamed for their actions, however if I were her, I wouldn't make friends with people who are ill-willed. she must have seen the signs at some point, nothing this bad happens without warning.

Pamelayoung:
Y is rape cases on the increase this days.
Wen I was growing up, my mum taught me not to visit or go 2 secluded place wit a guy, lessons for youngster 2 learn from.
Poor girl if you had stayed at home to help your mum or read ur books dis wouldn't have happened. So was Diana raped wen she went visiting n playing wit frnds.

Your mum raised you well.

Nneka123:
Some people getting aggressive when making a point.


You have no idea what the girl went through, and she did a good thing by not bottling it up. Being Raped is not a good thing and, no one should go through that.

Some men just feel they could get away with it. Smh!

What's their punishment? Going to prison and that's all.

Important point, I think women in Nigeria should be enlightened on how to report rape cases. It's always sad when we hear stories about ladies afraid to report the beasts. In most countries you barely get away with such crime, it stays on their records. its as much a stigma for the predator as it is for the victim.

This is a traditional case of keeping a chicken as pet, one day you would eat it. She saw the signs these so called friends only saw her as chicken but she kept going into their den even when the lion had licked its lips once and sent two others ahead to access the prey. Parents need to teach their children to be careful. She was gullible for her age, look at those guys faces they are much older than her and don't look like responsible people who have done much for themselves at their age. Why would she hang with these sorts and expect them to be well behaved? While, its not her fault she trusted them, her mother should have advised her not to go hanging about with guys far older without reason.

tchidi:


Why go to 'while away time' at their place na?
I applaud her bravery in coming out sha. Its not easy to come out.

Every woman should be brave. Less rapists go free in developed societies because women are enlightened to speak out against abuse.

millionboi:
thy is no order reason 4his actions than depression!/mental derail,take it or leave........the dudee may ve seen her mother 2be responsibl 4his ugly face

Nah, I don't expect you to understand what I have posted, you certainly don't live in London or the Uk do you? Your own reason for his depression is hilarious though

harry01:
Too bad , but I partly blame the mum. Am trying yo believe she did not give the boy the best training cos imagine while she was being stabbed she was calling her "boyfriend". Where is her God or husband?

When you live in London, its extremely hard to raise a decent child, its extremely hard to find or keep a permanent husband. It's extremely unlikely that you would believe in God.

If she grew up in Nigeria, gave birth to him in London and she attempted to train him the Nigerian way in London, It would take the grace of God for him to not turn out the way he did. Ask Nigerians who grew up in Nigeria, moved to London, and have kids there in London. It's a very difficult place to raise a kid using cane and shouts. Your kid would get you arrested, (I've seen a 4 year old threaten to sue her mum).

Similarly, when he gets older, and he feels he is grown, he could harm you for trying to control him. This poor woman probably didn't understand she had to train the child the British way and went about it the Nigerian 'iron hand' way in a foreign country. May her soul rip.


UPDATE: I didn't have to read the story to understand what must have transpired. I just did now and it even confirms it more. He secretly plotted to kill his mother cos he was fed up with her ranting, he just didn't understand that is how Nigerians in Nigeria train their kids and that she was probably trained that way herself. He is not mentally disturbed in the way most Nigerians would see it, he just doesn't have the same mindset most Nigerians do, his mother was only trying to train him, but African style training is considered abuse to a Londoner. He must have felt the shouts and beatings he received as a kid were abuse and his mother hates him. He didn't know it was because his mother wanted the best for him. If he had a strong father figure maybe he would have understood why at a point. It's not a woman's specialty to raise a man alone. Its most unlikely he had his dad around for long.

who is responsible for shutting it down?

Can this thread end already?

Buhari: Kai Amosun, these days ordinary governor wey travel out dey marry oyibo, remain small I for marry Mitchell, abi you no be governor?

Amosun: Ah ogaa o, kosi oyibo for ogun ni o. iya mi say make I no marry outside.

Buhari: abi you no see this one for here marry?

Ambassador (turns her head towards them and smiles sheepishly)

Amosun: Yeepaaa!!!

lolaxavier:
Security first! Why would you take a car by the road side all because you don't want to pay for t.fare. Go to the motor park to board vehicles. Do not hitch-hike by the road side. I am a guy but yet i do not have the gut to take a lift in a car that I do not know the occupants/driver. Not to talk of a female. You may not have the opportunity to spend that N1000 you are trying to save...

True that. But remember she is a corper, Most corpers take lifts all the time, its not new. She probably had her uniform on, and most concerned Nigerian motorists who were once corpers themselves like offering them lifts, she probably didn't wave the car down, they probably stopped on their own to offer FG Pikin lift, and she jumped in like most corpers would. But she didn't know they were kidnappers. I mean, who the hell kidnaps corpers earning minimum wage? the clueless ones were the kidnappers.

Sweetrosa:
wooww,thank you very much,I really appreciate. I have already joined the altar girls association and catholic charismatic renewal.

Ok good to know. Thank God for his grace.

Princess4eva:
Now, I don't feel any remorse, many men av caused many ladies too much heartbreaks so am happy dealing wit them in defence of the sisters .

Nah I don't think you're defending them, you're just making douchebags out of those poor decent men who would now take it out on innocent sisters you claim to defend. 2 wrongs don't make a right. 2 rights make it left. So if you want it to change do the right thing twice.

Peace be with you.