₦airaland Forum

Several workshops teach women how to improve themselves and forge ahead in their career and businesses. Ther is WIMBIZ and other women forums.

Very good initiative however, there is the X factor: the husband.

Now there are three types of husbands...

1. A 'supportive' husband: He is genuinely supports her and is willing to pay the sacrifice required to forge head.

2. A as you wish husband: He doesn't 'stop' her for achieving neither does he actively support. He is 'fine' with you doing what you like as long as you carry out your duties.

3. A don't do it husband: He outrightly lets her know he doesn't support her forging ahead.

I think ladies should start knowing who her man is before marriage so she doesn't pick husband 2 and expect full support from him.

1. Men, what type of husband are you and why?
2. Does your women know the kind of man you are?
3. Women, do you know the kind of men you have to enable you plan?

Cc: LewsTherin

Edited:
For unambiguity, the topic has been revised to reflect that I am only referring to married women.

LordKO:
Your submission is almost perfectly in order. However, you lump narcissistic, egoistic, conceited and egotistic traits together. There are thin lines/differences among them. One thing possessors of the traits have in common is penchant for subjugation (they're of the manipulative ethical leaning). They personify subjugation. Someone of the manipulative ethical leaning can possess either a calm or boisterous personality - the calm ones are more dangerous.

For example:

- Contrary to this erroneous assertion about narcissists "They take and take until the giver is half of themselves." Everything is transaction-business-like to narcissists and they don't pretend about it - they're givers, but not altruistic givers. Selfishness and sanctimony - to them they're good moral personification, instead of personification of hypocrisy they're - are their major hallmark.

Only egotists "take and take until the giver is half of themselves.". . . finished. Self-centeredness and contentiousness are their major hallmark.

In this same setting, egoists are the Greek gift givers, they give in the guise of kindness but with an intention to perpetually possess/own the beneficiary, unlike narcissists that don't pretend about their intention of giving, they do pretend about their own intention - sycophancy is their major hallmark. And conceited people, unlike narcissists that believe they are good moral personification, are after domineering/owning others intellectually - to a conceited person, s/he has monopoly of knowledge.

A developed/extreme egoist is an automatic psychopath. While a developed/extreme egotist is an automatic sociopath.

Altruistic and conscientious people are gold - people of the diplomatic ethical leaning.

But for one thing, I'd point to you two popular Nairalanders on the romance and family sections that are narcissists.

But us no buts

Name, name, name

NoToPile:
Solid points

Lots of non-christlike 'christain men' abound (even right inside the church)

Lots of men even hold tradition and christainity side by side and anywhere the bible contradicts tradition, Christianity is trashed aside and then tradition takes the fore front.
Those ones are Christians as long as it doesn't contradict tradition

Extremely true.

CAPSLOCKED:
MANY WOMEN DON'T WANT PATRIARCHY TO END. I HAVE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE.
SOME HOW THEY DISLIKE THE STRESS OF DOING ALL THE CHORES ALONE, AND BEING TREATED LIKE SECOND HAND HUMANS, BUT THEN AGAIN THEY DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF THE NUMEROUS PLEASURES AND ADVANTAGES PATRIARCHY AFFORDS A LOT OF WOMEN.

PATRIARCHY IS THE REASON FOR "LADIES FIRST"
IT IS THE REASON MEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE LEADERS AND PROVIDERS... WHILE WOMEN'S BEST POSITION SHOULD BE THE COMPANION, "HELPER".
IT IS THE REASON MALE SOLDIERS ARE SENT TO DIE AT WARFRONT WHILE FEMALE SOLDIERS ARE LEFT AT HOME TO DO THIER NAILS AND HAIR, MOLEST MALE CIVILIANS BECAUSE THEY ENJOY IT, DANCE AND SHARE VIDEOS ON FACEBOOK, AND SERVE TEA TO GENERALS IN THE OFFICE.
BECAUSE OF PATRIARCHY, MAN IS EXPECTED TO SAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY HIS GIRL'S BRIDEPRICE, AND CONDUCT THE WEDDING. WHILE THE WOMAN ONLY FOLLOWS HIM HOME WITHOUT CONTRIBUTING A KOBO UNLESS SHE WANTS TO, AND EVERYONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH THE ARRANGEMENT.

MAN IS EXPECTED TO PAY RENT AND FEES, AND DROP MONEY FOR HOME KEEPING WHILE WOMAN STAYS AT HOME AND EVERYBODY IS HAPPY WITH THAT.
IF THE ARRANGEMENT IS REVERSED SO THAT THE MAN CAN STAY AT HOME WHILE WOMAN WORKS HER LIFE AWAY TO PROVIDE FOR THE FAMILY, THE WORLD PREPARES FOR ANOTHER WAR... BECAUSE OF PATRIARCHY.

AND YOU THINK WOMEN WANT THESE PRIVILEGES TO END, BY ENDING PATRIARCHY? THINK AGAIN.

Do you really think that in Nigeria today, a lot of women sit pretty waiting for their husbands to perform financially?

How many husbands would really do anything at home if the wives in your hypothesis decide to switch places?

I would like you to take statistics of wives who contribute at home and are still almost solely responsible for the chores.

CAPSLOCKED:
BEAUTIFUL TOPIC YOU HAVE THERE. SUCH POSTS SHOULD BE TAKEN IMPORTANTLY.

BUT TO THE PART I HIGHLIGHTED, I WANT TO PUT YOU RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY "UNBELIEVERS" BUT IN THIS NIGERIA THAT WERE RAISED, MOST FAMILIES ARE BELIEVERS, AND I GREW UP KNOWING MOSTLY CHRISTIAN FAMILIES AND THEIR TERRIBLE HYPOCRITICAL LIFESTYLE IS THE WORST ANYONE CAN IMAGINE.

IF BY UNBELIEVERS YOU MEAN MUSLIMS, I TELL YOU THAT MUSLIM FAMILIES ARE MORE PEACEFUL AND GODLY THAN MOST CHRISTIAN FAMILIES, FROM MY OWN ANGLE. YOU DON'T FIND MUSLIM WIVES DIDDLING YOUNGER BOYS, OR YOU FIND MUSLIM FAMILIES DIVORCING, OR KILLING OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BECAUSE OF PROPERTY.

AND IF BY UNBELIEVERS YOU MEAN FREE PEOPLE, ATHEISTS, AND THE REST, THEN I HAVE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SOME OF THE PEACEFULLY MINDED AND CONTENTED PEOPLE YOU WILL EVER FIND ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN OR PRETEND TO GET INSTRUCTIONS FROM AN INEXISTING SUPERNATURAL BODY WHO DICTATES TO HUMANS HOW THEY SHOULD LIVE THEIR LIVES.

Thanks for the compliment.

I put unbelievers in quotes because they represent people who have not given their lives to Christ.

I am not concluding that non-Christians do not have good homes.

postmann:

First off, it narrows down to a church or churches that have contributed to shaping your thoughts and belief.

Scripture is replete with sound doctrines on how a saved husband should conduct himself in marriage and there are plenty of churches that hold fast to such teachings.

This is not to denounce your point, but a good analysis in relation to reality will prove that such teachings cut across both gender divide.

For instance, men are generally thought both within religious and secular circles not to be provoked by a woman's tongue. "Just ignore her", walk away when she starts ranting", "never lay your hands on her no matter the provocation ". These are few advise given to men with regards to the nature of a woman's tongue.

It is easy to raise gender-based misgivings without looking the other way round where the advantages lie.


Thanks for the mention, elder0001

First off, divorce the Church (organized religion according to crackhaus) from the Bible to understand my thread.

Secondly, most churches in Nigeria sound like a typical village gathering telling husbands and wives how to behave.

Thirdly, listen to women gatherings and men gatherings (if available) and listen to their teachings.

Fourth, read other people's posts here who got the message.

crackhaus:
The bible says that a man should love his wife as Christ has loved the church.
The same bible also states that its better for a man to live atop a roof than to share his home with a stubborn/rebellious wife?

However, when you remember that a husband is supposed to love his stubborn/rebellious wife as Christ loved the church, then you should know that 'love' here means tolerance and forgiveness... So, you're wrong when you say husbands are not taught tolerance and forgiveness.

On the issue of infidelity, it is frowned upon when perpetrated by both sexes. No where is it written that a woman must tolerate a cheating husband while the man must send a cheating wife away. Sexual immorality is grounds for divorce (Mathew 19:9) after all avenues for saving the marriage has failed. Divorce is not mandatory, it is permissible.

On the issue of abuse, its common sense that the victim seeks help. It is also common sense to get to the root cause by calling both parties together and trying to work it out. There's no verse i know of that tells women to tolerate an abusive husband, counselling is what is usually recommended and if this fails, then divorce is also permissible.
Remember the verse about Christ loving the church? Well Christ also encouraged the apostles(church) to flee from persecution and save themselves for the propagation of the gospel. By my interpretation, physical abuse is a form of persecution and a wife is encouraged to flee (not divorce, take note). In fleeing, she has saved herself from harm and created time for reconciliation by calling on the elders of the church to try restoring that marriage to how God originally intended.


Now the reason I edited your sentence in my first comment was simply because you started the topic on a bias footing. You made it a women versus man thing and used Christianity as your backdrop.
The problem you have is not with Christianity or biblical teachings, your problem is you're listening to people who are not grounded in the word of God. Okay scratch that, they may be grounded but there's something psychologists call 'implicit bias'. This kind of bias is unconscious and one which everyone suffers from whether they like it or not.

Whoever is teaching women to tolerate and forgive but not teaching men to do same has an implicit bias that was formed by the society (NOT Christianity or the Bible)..meaning, a devout Christian who is an African or Nigerian and grew up in a society that doesn't quite see men and women as equal in marriage will automatically teach his/her Christian doctrines along that same line and not even realize it.

My summation is this, study to show thyself approved. It is for this reason i hardly attend church (organized/institutionalized religion), not because I despise the congregation of brethren but because I try to avoid listening to people who teach the scripture based on their own interpretation.
Wisdom is profitable to direct (in knowing what and who to listen to). And after gaining wisdom, the next step is to have understanding (Proverbs 4:7).

@Bold: If I had a problem with the Bible/Christianity, I would not accuse the Church of not teaching in line of the Bible. And fortunately, most posters saw that the thread was not male/female, it was the Nigerian Church versus the Bible.

I agree with the other parts of your post.

You can find a Bible Believing Church and still study after you have been taught.

cococandy:
Good. A Christian husband should respect his wife in the same way that he wants to be respected, stay faithful to her for the rest of his life like he expects.
Give the same respect to his in-laws that he wants her to give to his family. To mention but a few.

Yes I agree that it sounds like bliss. Imagine a world where men give what they expect. Bliss.
Sounds to me like the golden Christian rule is feminist. Seeking fair treatment of everyone involved.

My Christian brothers do not like the golden rule.
They prefer the parts of the Bible that mentions submission of women (submission to male vices BTW) ,while ignoring the parts that charges men to do same.

I bet what I typed above would sound like torture to some very ‘devout’ Christians.
Not when they can say “after all he’s the head of the family” in response to very bad behavior. As if headship is a free ticket to abuse.

I could go on although there’s really no need to. I don’t see how anyone can argue with this except of course they willfully choose to see the truth. In which case it’s not worth the time. The running around in circle discussing an issue that’s clear as day.

@Bold: I like.

Most people actually campaign submission to male vices.

No one says 'when your husband says you should pray/fast, do so as a submissive wife.'

ElsonMorali:
Most "Christians" don't know that the word Christian means "of Christ" or "Christ like" and that the early followers of Jesus were first called Christians in Antioch because they exhibited and reflected the personality of Jesus the Christ.

Being the head of the family doesn't mean lording it over the other family members.

A reference point is Jesus, the head of the Church who washed his disciples' feet and even laid down his life for us.

That is the role of the head. To serve and not to be served.

The woman on the other hand is not to take advantage of this. But in today's world that we live in, most women will. A man has to be prudent in his dealings with his family members.

Not too bossy and definitely not a wimp.

@Bold: That's where the role of submission comes in.

Acidosis:
A saved Christian woman should not be found with an unsaved Christian husband.


When the foundation is destroyed, what can the righteous do?



If you're truly saved, you will choose wisely.

While you do not understand the OP, I agree with you.

ElsonMorali:
There is a simple reason for this. Most "christians " go to church out of a force of habit. There are atheists or freethinkers who are wonderful companions to their spouses and great parents to their kids.


The principle of living is simple for all men. "Do unto others what you want done to you"


This Golden rule is even more important between husbands and wives.


Just imagine that each spouse treats their better half exactly the same way they want to be treated...just imagine the bliss in that home.


That's all what Jesus Christ has commanded his followers to do. Yet we call ourselves Christians and we cheat on our spouses, batter them physically and emotionally and then run to church to sing kumbaya and shout halleluya as means of shutting up our consciences.


Going to church eery Sunday or everyday doesn't make you a christian (christ-like) more than standing in your garage at home turns you into a Cadillac.

All humans have just one job to do on earth, just one..."Do unto others..." You'd think that was easy enough, right? You have no idea.

Very true.

Do unto others.... so simple yet so complex.

LewsTherin:
Unfortunately, many people see being a Christian as filling it in any registration form, attending church once or twice a month on sundays and calling out "blood of Jesus" when in a tight spot. They forget that being a Christian isn't about religion. It is a lifestyle of following His commands and living as He would have us live.

Unfortunately, many churches focus their teachings on being holy to get to heaven or on appropriating the promises of the bible in other to get wealth. They forget that while christians desire to go to heaven, they live in a very physical world. They forget to teach them how to live in this sinful world. They forget to let them know there is more to being a follower of Christ than living a comfortable or wealthy life.

Also, understand that while there are laws, commandments, to following Christ, God expects us to live within the world we are in even while not conforming to the world. This means that society's norms that are not explicitly contrary to the word of God are expected to be followed in the most Christian way available.

So society primarily drives the ways we learn, for example. and society has decided that all a man needs to know, to be a good husband and father is to provide for his family. Material provision, I might add. So male children are taught to study hard, get a good job, learn a trade, develop a source of income and then you can have a family. The females are taught that they have to make themselves attractive to males to get a good husband and take care of the husband and children. They are warned that there are not enough males available. They are told that if they mess up with their males, he can simply get another female but no male will ever find them desirable.

As it is in society, so it is in church. Society's methods of teaching are then imported into the church and many times, the church forgets that the Bible introduces caveats into what society teaches. Besides, like my first 2 paragraphs say, many people will simply say of what the church teaches "that one na dia own"

So there really isn't so much difference in what people learn from society and what people learn from the church due to failures all around. And what the society teaches sadly places the burden on the female. Worse still is that the females themselves help to perpetuate these.

I could say more but where is the time?

As always, absolutely on point!

I honestly wonder how we correct this.

Please make time to say more.

banjicom:
you are lucky i must say. you both know what you want and both of u are also willing 2 make it work.

Thank you

Cherrybae:
A lot of our offices were burnt and arrangements were put in place to secure a safer place before the materials for the affected states were despatched.

Anambra, Abia, Plateau and many other states,

How do we conduct elections when materials are yet to arrive at many states.

Nigerians are too difficult to manage, we Nigerians are the worst humans on earth.

You hide under the social media insulting people here and there.

Anybody who is pained can come and beat me, I'm in my house now.

Let's take your word at face value.

Was it this morning you realized that the materials wouldn't reach their locations?

Do you see how incompetent this sounds?

Deicide:
What are women turning into?

How?

bidemz:
it's a day of lovers. You can celebrate anyone be it your mother, father, wife, children, girlfriend/boyfriend, friends e.t.c

Share your Val experience here.

Who are you celebrating?
What are you wearing?
Where are you going?

You can as well share pictures if you like.

Let's make it a memorable one.

Isn't it funny that you did not include spouses in your equation?

fykes:
Mostly people are only Christians bcoz they go to church... Or aren't Muslims or traditionalist...
D virtues op is talking about are things u can only get by making a conscious effort over the years, as a man, to renew ur mind in line with ur faith. Faithfulness, patience, loyalty andhumility are not things u find in a common man, it takes years of conscious efforts for these things to be seen in a man. So don't expect that bcoz he is a Xtian man, he supposed to be ...xyz.
The world system says more is better, says adultery is fun as long as u can provide for ur family... So much trash out there, only a man who is in tune with the core values of grace and truth (which came through Christ) can live above board, and that is a life long lesson-an effort which many will be reluctant to make.

True

@OP:

He is either suicidal or seeking a divorce.

His friends should watch him.

Ayoswit:
So many women out there go through alot just to keep their marriage. Annie is indeed a strong woman, I really admire her.

Do you think 'going through a lot is normal?'

If no, why do we celebrate it?

dipopooo:
She's sick

What's wrong with her?

ainas247:
She didn't campaign in 2015 as well

Rank your business on Google and get more clients check my profile to see new results

Aisha did not campaign in 2015!!

I see a lot of 'equality' causing divorce.

Can someone explain how?

Amarabae:
She may likely be sex starved.
Good sex relaxes the nerves and a relaxed nerve is good for the thinking faculty.
Good sex is a stress reliever..
Good sex is a depression eliminator
Good sex revitalize every joints and muscles in the body
Good sex keeps the mind in check.
Good sex nourishes the body
Good sex moisturizes the soul
She needs to work on her sexual lifestyle,
It needs to be hot .
It may sound funny but it's the truth.

I agree with you.

fykes:
The concept of marriage is warped in our world today.
For most women.. Is a class act... Social status.. Or meal ticket. Not to talk of sex.
Two people meet, have sex, then it's like "let's do this always" and they are getting married by weekend.
The girl is thinking.. He lives in his house, he drives a Prado.
D guy is she's so pretty and sexy and nobody knows that all can be gone in a week.

Give any small boy 5million and d Next Week he is getting married bcoz he believes all he needs is the money to provide for a woman. Many marry outta fear of losing their lovers to other men.

Nobody cares about virtues... Nobody cares about values.. So after the glitz they are forced to bend down and learn.
Chances are men are stubborn, women are mostly malleable and they r d ones who care to learn..

Hmmmmm

A nice perspective to it.

@last paragraph, very true.

zicoraads:
What she needs to get is a man.

A man ke?

Do husbands usually make personal decisions for wives? It is more in line with what they do not want or shaping the woman to what they want.

She needs a life coach.

crackhaus:
PERIOD!

Finish the post

This is peculiar to husbands.

Had a program yesterday that helped coordinate my long term thoughts.

Mumifortune:
Still waiting for the completion of ur post

Done.

Happy Sunday NLers!

Contradictory topic innit?

Well, I have come to the conclusion that the greatest breeding ground for unsaved Christian husbands is the Church.

What do I mean?

We teach wives to be patient, submissive, obedient, forgiving, especially tolerant etc.

Now this is not bad in itself: after all, they are Christian virtues we should all emulate.

My problem is when you are talking to Christian wives who have Christian husbands and telling them to tolerate abuse, infidelity, keep praying for them etc. and you wonder if Christian husbands should be found with such vices in the first place.

It is akin to how we preach forgiveness for hisband's errors and forget the virtue of forgiveness when the wives errs.

It is also worrisome that there are much more functional women fellowships than men so there is continuous teaching of women to endure all sorts 'for peace to reign' while men are not taught same.

And we wonder why our Christian homes aren't any different from that of the 'unbelivers'.

Amazing how wet are quick to evoke the 'for better for worse clause' when men err and conveniently forget it when the woman is the 'sinner.'


I would like contributions and way forward.

Cc: LewsTherin

Editted

Ubdavis:
And when the father no too set.

Na you talk am

Sharla87:
Serious answers only!

My friend said that he loves his wife but is not sexually attracted to her

So he fantasises about me when he is having sex with his wife

Is it common for men to fantasise about women other than their partner during sex?

His wife is older than him and looks like his aunty

How do you become friends with a married person that he can tell you he uses you as his sex.ual fanatasy in confidence?

And what kind of person is he to utter such?

And in your mind, you are sweet sixteen and fantasy material while his wife is aunty.

@Topic Generally: It is very possible for peeps to fantasise about others during se.x with someone else.

LordKO:
It's important for one to be financially independent before marriage because it is a sign of economic emancipation and responsibleness. However, it is even better to be resourceful, or to master the act of being resourceful, than to be financially independent, because money remains a visitor.

Also, pursuit of financial independence shouldn't be for the purpose to subjugate one's better half, or as a leverage to establish contention in the union. Money will always remain a means to an end but never an end itself. It never defines a sane person.

Very much agree with you.

Okwori12:
For me I see nothing wrong with it. I can do.

@OP:

Most people have learnt to do whatever rocks their boats without making noise so that people do not poor sand into their garri.