₦airaland Forum

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Husbandman wants a submissive wife (don't know his own definition) and married a lady X who seemed submissive because she had no money/dependent on her husband.

He finally decides to make her a boss so that she's independent (no such thing in marriage: we are at best interdependent) and madam brought out the unsubmissiveness in her.

Oga doesn't like what he sees and decides to 'clip' her wings.

Now madam is back to default setting with a defect: insecurity.

The problem is that the man married a poor woman and not a submissive one hence the change when she changed status.

I suspect the husband is cheating which wife was fine with till she had money and decided to take it no more. Unfortunately, oga is used to her acceptance and is wondering where the accepting wife went.

Madam no longer has money however is using the resource she has (time) to fight him.

She is also very smart and knows her leverage.

Let the husband stop following small girls and see madam's reaction to know next steps.

elmagnifico411:
Babe, this things ain't easy to comprehend. Lemon to lemonade? Abeg talk is cheap. He even paid alimony in couple of millions. Hope u read the part that talked one of the boys disconnecting instantly? That man is dead already! Heaven knows d woman will burn in hell.

I know a woman who couldn't have kids and after unsuccessful treatments, joined her husband to pick a second wife.

Rather than sulk (I know she must have hurt), she aligned with the kids so much that the 2nd wife is bitter her biological kids would consult the first wife on all matters before her.

I know this is different in that the husband was not aware however his inability to have his kids is a game changer. The fact that he trained them for 20yrs means he has a claim to them. The mother has still not stated who the father is so the husband still has the upper hand and spin the children's emotions to his side. After all, he was the hurt party.

If he handled the situation well, the twins would not have cut off from him. Part of the OP states he wants the wife to return part of the alimony and divorce payout.

He is chasing the wrong things at this point.

The wife would burn in hell, I concur. I am actually looking out for the man.

elmagnifico411:
if this had happened to your blood brother(a wealthy one for that matter) would u have written this yeye piece? Something tells me u can do d same to your man. Cheaters everywhere

And something tells me you can't comprehend.

As a human being, lesson 1 is to know your worth or what you can use as leverage.

Dude can't have kids and have unfortunately invested in three kids for 20 years. What better way to turn his lemons to lemonade than adopt them legally?

As much as it is very painful, this man threw away something he could have held unto.

They are not his biological kids, yes! However, he has invested 20+ years and more importantly, can't have his.

The wife might have known he couldn't have kids and decided to 'help' after all, the article doesn't tell us she kept cheating after the kids.

Fatherhood is not necessarily biological; he would have simply adopted them to make them legally his and on his side and punish the wife if inclined.

And they say women are the emotional ones.

Tinnah, I wish you your heart desire jare.

You have done well so far.

If it is easy to do runs to build an empire, do yours.

ajokebelle:
Some people sef.
Talking about fans that are asslickers.
Imagi e the statement- one of the things you want God to do for you.

How is it asslicking?

What if I say one of my prayers this year is to afford a Gucci bag?

He/She is referring to the financial status that will make him/her afford stuffs from her empire.

Fiyinfoluwa20:
Thanks

You surely did not go to boarding school.

You will be fine.

AutoJoshNG:
https://i2.wp.com/autojosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/nigerian-man-tv-stand-mercedes-car-bumper.jpg?resize=599%2C542&ssl=1

Real Sam whose Instagram ID is realsam09 is a race driver & drifter, creates movie stunts, car events organiser and car parts crafter/inventor.

He was able to make a TV stand out of a 2019 Mercedes Benz GLE bumper.

Hit or Miss

https://i0.wp.com/autojosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/nigerian-man-tv-stand-mercedes-car-bumper-2.jpg?resize=600%2C524&ssl=1


Source: https://autojosh.com/nigerian-man-tv-stand-2017-mercedes-benz-gle-bumper/

Lovely

He can market it to people who love luxury cars.

sholarr12:
Recent reports about pant thefts make me ask the question of whether we overestimate the power of juju.

It is reported that female pants are used for money ritual, but is it really true?

If only we do not overestimate the importance of African juju, then it is an African man that will be the richest in the world.

When I participated in an election in Kwara as a corps member, a guy brought out a nylon filled with juju and was threatening voters, but when the soldiers chased him, he ran.

I can go on and on but let me stop here.

What do you think?

Charms/ Juju/ black magic is very potent.

That said, the average Nigeria is inherently wicked and has crab spirit.

That means that rather than an average Juju holder to be the richest man in the village, he wants everyone to be poor like him.

Again, we have a lot of top politicians, business men, career men/women etc. who are very fetish and do whatever it takes to ensure they are still on top.

Not everyone does juju to kill or look like herbalists portrayed in African Magic.

Another thing is that a lot of juju users sell the 'uselessness' of it so they can continue to perpetrate their evil and manipulate others.

Think about it, if there is no evil/juju, what do you need God for?

OmonoWrites:

Paste the reasons here so we can discuss it.

You can now direct us to your blog to read part two or how to solve the problems listed etc.

You get the idea.

@Briller,

Happy new year.

Your brother is the only successful/hardworking sibling so naturally, all others are on his neck.

His siblings feel entitled to his wealth (rightfully or not) so you have double whammy.

What should you do?

1. Know the genuine source of your husband's wealth. On the surface, it might seem your in-laws are lazy however, you don't know if they sacrificed their education for him to make it. You don't know if they joined their destinies to his because he had the most promise. It might also be that he is the sacrificial lamb for the family. Most families have them.

2. Know how your husband sees you. He might see you as an addition to his existing family or building a new family with you which is an offshoot of his previous nuclear family.

If scenario 1: then you have to build your family alone. I am sorry you will keep expending your resources alone, just pray that God continues to provide for you.

If scenario 2: tell your husband and you both has to focus your nuclear family as nobody would do that for you. He should help his extended family, however, your family comes first.

3. Now your husband's stance on in-laws. He told his brother his kids couldn't come because of your sister might be stating a fact or inciting further problems. He might be an akonwonjo on either side.

4. I don't understand how someone not with you can 'control' your home. You already planned your MIL was coming for omugwo, your BIL hammering it does nothing to you. If you planned that your mom was coming and hubby changed his mind because of your BIL, then we have a problem.

Good luck.

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

And this is what you got from the story?

Na wa.

Liliyann:
Bla bla bla
Make your money and no one will expect all this rules from you!!

Interesting.

I am sure Dangote no longer receive or appreciates gifts.

Ingratitude and lack of courtesy are terrible vices.

planetx:
How does it fall out from a luggage on a conveyor belt, probably someone put it there and record it just to trend on social media.

I agree.

If it fell from a bag, the bag would have spilled and everyone saw the contents.

glosplendid:
any job you think is decent ...thank you

So if you were sitting in front of Gov Ambode and he asked what job you wanted so he could make a call, you will respond with 'any job is ok"?

What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself? What do you want to become?

Do better lady.

If the ladies are walking corpses, then the men are in serious trouble.

Sleeping with such a lady would mean the guy has lost his destiny to the grave.

Youths be careful!!!!!

Mart1994:
The bloke is damn right.
Look around you, you will see lots of ladies that have lost all their God given virtues that completes thier womanhood

The other day a girl was telling me it takes the "grace of God" to resist the temptation of dating a Yahoo guy. And am like "seriously?"

At the end of the day, it will be a gadget that would face out and some peanuts that will be the result of this senseless squabble.

So does it mean the average ladies worth doesn't go beyond iPhone x and 15, 20k tops??

Enough said.

A lot of ladies are walking corpses. Argue with your MB.

The lure of easy wealth is temptation to male & female.

Still had a discussion around it today.

Daeylar:
[s][/s]

If you don't want to respect ladies then stay on your lane. A reason why women keep shouting for respect is because people like you go out of your way to disrespect them. Stop disrespecting them and calling them names reserved for people like you. And yes if they are used for ritual mind your business, keep your mouth shut and stay in your lane and Don't try to justify bullshit, Since every lady killed was dating a yahoo boy and that automatically makes it acceptable to kill them. Don't leave your business and start talking about ladies who are on their own.

If you are tired of Nigerian women date girls from other countries. Speak only to and about women from other countries.
Leave Nigerian women alone!!!

Why would a lady knowingly date a yahoo boy?

Some girls get mind sha.

You tell bobo no when he had nothing and comes back when he calls because he has 'hammered'?

Babe is not even afraid the bobo wanted to use her for something ritualistic.

Ozkar:
really? You can't buy a human being? You mean the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade never happened?

Your mind is really a multiverse.

Bride price....

Foodforthought:
Husbands refund the dowry as soon as the marriage rites are completed... they even add to it. Allowing the woman to pay the dowry first is part of the marriage rites.

Just hearing this.

Lavoca:
This one is a misogynist

Misogynist ke?

How?

Because he said bride price is akin to buying a wife?

He doesn't support abuse he proffered a solution he thinks would work: No to bride price/ excessive ones.

How do you pay Dec salaries on the last day of the year?

hero2000:
By Olusola Aladejebi

One of the exam questions for a 3 year old nursery 1 boy is: Who pays your school fees? Now, in the social awareness class, the pupils had been taught the family and the ‘roles’ of each member. Daddy’s role is to pay school fees. But there is a problem. This boy’s father is a not a responsible man. The boy’s education (and that of his older one) has been the responsibility of the mother. To his exam question, at first, the boy replied that father pays his school fees (according to what he had been taught). After a moment, he corrected himself, and said mother pays school fees. His teacher pondered his response and marked him correct anyway!

Although in most urban families, school fees come from both parents, teaching that father pays fees is meant to introduce his role as provider to little children. Some may criticize such social awareness curriculum as parochial and not updated enough to reflect ‘modern day reality’. They ask, ‘what if the child is a raised by a single parent—mother?’ But we must recall that for little children we must keep it simple; no complications and complexities. It is this ‘modern day reality’ that is the concern.

If a phenomenon occurs only very rarely, it can be discounted and we can safely generalize the vast majority. We teach children that humans have 5 fingers per hand. But we also know that some babies were born with 6 fingers in one or both hands. We don’t bother to teach this because such happens so rarely. The ‘problem’ with teaching little children that, “father pays school fees”, is that the contrary is becoming common—Irresponsible husbands, baby mama phenomenon, divorcee, and worst of all, LGBT. On the whole, homes are becoming broken and more broken. The forces fragmenting families are remorseless—they won’t abate as far as I can see. To have a working love-filled family is becoming an exception rather than the rule.

There is no way we can wish away the crisis in family life. The implications of this crisis affects us every day. Children must be born. If they are unfortunate to be brought up in a dysfunctional setting, the world has added to the number of potential mischief-makers. Potential money ritualist. Potential terrorist. Potential child rapist. Potential treasury looter.

The cases of irresponsible husbands/fathers are now alarming. They are comfortable that the woman is the breadwinner and are not eager to end the imbalance. Some of them even maltreat the poor woman sweating to provide for the household. In some cases the wife comes to a point where she can no longer put up with his irresponsible behaviour and off she goes—separation or divorce.

Irresponsibility in a man is not first a financial fact. It is primarily a state of mind. Refusal to provide for the family is the outshoot. At the same time, a man could be able to provide for his ‘dependencies’ and yet be irresponsible. Many young music stars have about 4 baby mamas—4 children from 4 women and married to none! Since they are millionaires sending money to these children’s mothers is no big deal. But money won’t provide internal security to the children; it won’t be a source of guidance; it won’t give that heart-felt love that emanates from a father to his children.

Several research has shown that children who are raised by 2 parents, who are both responsible and dedicated, usually perform well in school. Not only that, the risk for emotional and behavioural problems are lower among children in 2-parent households on average. Crime statistics show that people from stable families are much less likely to be involved in crime than those from fragmented homes.

As much as it indeed better for a child to be raised in a 2-parent family, there is a caveat. They must both be responsible and dedicated. In some cases it is much better to be raised by a single parent than some 2-parent households. A household that has an abusive husband/father is damaging to the psyche of any child. Spouse violence, either mutual or one-sided, could lead to depression and low self-esteem in children.

The good old traditional family is one in which the father takes responsibility for his family. He looks out for the wife and children. In short, he is the head of the family. Now, does that mean he must out earn his wife? No, not necessarily. If husband is a teacher and wife is a medical doctor, all things being equal, wife would earn more than her man; or a situation in which the man is (temporarily) unemployed while the wife has a job. But this financial fact should not prevent him from taking responsibility for his wife and children. This awkward situation in which the man is not a contributor to the family upkeep can be very trying. This has led to many marital breakups. Some women believe that once they earn more than their husbands they get ‘promoted’ to headship of the family. But if managed wisely this situation could result in greater mutual respect for each other. The man may use this period to discover others way of showing love to his wife apart from providing money. And hopefully when he starts to earn again, he still continues in his hard times discoveries.

There is no need to discuss homosexual unions. Children raised in such places are denied an essential component of our common humanity. It would never result in a good outcome.

http://mouthpiece.com.ng/families-to-the-frying-pan-and-to-the-fire/

@OP:

The average Nigerian is without morals.

Take a look at the upbringing of kids and critically evaluate.

When you tell kids that XYZ are 'Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa, Efik' etc so don't play with them: you are building selfish, intolerant kids.

When you excuse the irresponsible behavior of your husband/celebrate/gloss over their waywardness: you tell the boys they are gods who can do no wrong especially when they have money.

When you tell your child not to lie and instruct him to tell your creditor 'you are not homr/sleeping: You teach them hypocrisy in addition to lying and lack of integrity. They can cut corners to get to their destination.

When you allow the elder bulky the younger, you teach them that it is alright to bully/maltreat those perceived lower/lesser that's why a driver would be humble to his oga after slapping his wife at home.

When you let the last child get a pass, they become selfish, self centered humans.

When we teach them not to take XYZ from people, they become suspicious of others and close minded.

Should I go on?

That the family unit has not disintegrated is a miracle.

What amuses me the most is when a woman stayed with a cheating, abusive husband and tells her daughter not to do same.

Well, well.

Ugosample:
I agree with most of what you said

apart from this part

"They were taught right"

That's a lie

Most Nigerians were not taught right.

Beating kids like goats is not equivalent to teaching right.

Thank you.

Most of them were not even taught anything.

OGHENAOGIE:
a very interesting quote here...sm women feel once the man can't measure up in providing for d family...all hell shd be let lose..if d woman provide for d home kini big deal

Traditionally, if the wife provides for the family, what becomes the husband's duty?

Johnbosco1:
Wonderful piece by OP, if I may...

One of the greatest reasons why we have broken homes I must say, is LACK OF TOLERANCE AND PASSION TO BECOME EVEN that is so prevalent amongst mothers. It has become a Pandora's box with cans of Worm inside that is so much eating up marriages and it seems everyone has failed to comprehend it.

Besides the terrible state of our country which I believe contributes to the rate of broken marriages, mothers on the other hand, seem to have forgotten how important they are to their Children. They have neglected the most important bond on earth, "mothers-child-bond".

While I was growing up, I could point out so many irresponsible men that have had successful marriage because of the breed of awesome women(wives) they had. But today, the so called "responsible men" are not making it to a successful five years in marriage, let alone the irresponsible ones. But why is that?

I spoke to a lady who the husband had accused of cheating and her response to me was in the light of this "yes he cheated on me with my best friend and I felt the need to become even, so I cheated on him with his best friend too". What the heck! What's even more annoying, was that she had with her, their four and six year old kids who were being cuddled by their father while she explained her part of the story to me. I was speechless. I felt ashamed, not to talk more, disturbed. This experience made me rethink in a heartbeat about those days as a child when I watched Mom and Dad argue(never about cheating) and I felt that Dad was always at fault, that there was no shred of guilt, whatsoever on mom. Was my discernment really fair on Dad at those moments? Or was I being sentimental because of this "mother-child-bond" that binds Mom and all of my Siblings together? Whether or not these were the right thoughts at that point in time was not my problem.

While the behaviors of the parents have an impact on their child(ren), mothers however have been known to have the greatest impact. In fact, a family without a mother has had a hugh vacuum no one would ever fill for a very long time if not forever. Children tend to capitalize and act more on their mother's behavior so easily than they will with their father.

Irresponsibility among fathers have always been but what we see now is nothing close to being irresponsible. They are pure "proud fakeass efekefe ungrateful yawoyawo overstylish fathers" who find it so hard to say "thank you" to their wives after eating a meal prepared by them.

It pains me so much when I see many cute couples' pre-wedding and wedding photos on Nairaland/others just to realize that they may not live up to those "early love, trust, happiness and vow". Weeping.... Someone please get me a hanky...hmmmm....wiping my nose, then eyes....

I am sad. I sometimes feel scared of what the future holds. Should I remain single? Should I join the click of men that are producing "babymamas upandown"? No way! I love kids and I can't stand the thought of them not enjoying both their parents simultaneously like I did. I still do. And if my Mum and Dad can do it, I sure as hail can do it, even better.

If you are reading this, this is challenge to you. Others have failed doesn't mean yours will. You can do better. You are far better than them. I wish us courage, real love, trust, "our significant rib". I wish us well.


PS. LETTER TO MY DEAR FUTURE WIFE!!!

Dear future wife,

If you are reading this, I promise to give you all the love and attention in the world that I can give plus 100% of my vow.

Please kindly cross my path IF you are ready to give all to me

Yours future Hubby,
Johnbosco

I would have taken your closing seriously if I did not read your whole post.

The earlier you realize that:

Irresponsible fathers + angelic mothers = awesome families and children

Is an unstable model, the better for you. Most of the women in that model were miserable and warned their daughters not to make the mistakes they did and this is the fallout today.

I know a woman who missed it in marriage and hounds the youths to never to do so. Quizzes the girls so hard that they know they can't fail her. Outside, you would see a loving wife to an irresponsible husband; inside, you would she is biting her fingers daily.

Instead of you to tell me to brace up (you pointed out their irresponsibility), you want women to continue enduring in pain.

We have passed that stage and like I always say, good husbands + good wives would make good homes irrespective of what the society is like.

Happy new year.

mogbojaiye:
There are situation where u can decide not to help your wife,
A woman dat goes to d office or her office 8 -4pm and at month end does not contribute a dime to d hux and d husband works also from 8-5pm then pays children school fees and hux upkeep fees then u expect d man to enter kitchen, is dat man sick? Who does dat?

Oga, this is another matter entirely.

Such a wife obviously believes in the traditional way of doing things so she should carry her cross.

It is also vice versa.

mogbojaiye:
If u are good at wat u do fine but don't pick a career dat will put ur family below u and ur job as a priority there by distancing your self from ur duty as a wife

Why do u think people hardly marry nurses? And I would even prefer going for a teacher as a wife than a nurse

People hardly marry nurses?

Hmmmm

Put my family below me how?

I am serious minded, I knew what I wanted before hand and chose a spouse we both align.

Except women who do scandalous jobs, I have never seen a man who seriously considered his intended's career path prior to marriage.

We live in different worlds.

Happy new year.

funmisticqueen:
while I like your post a candles that burns at both ends lives shorter.Those men with careers, don't have time for their families. Taking care of tge family and making sure your offspring are responsible members of a society is a full time career. Some women dream to have healthy families. Nothing is wrong with that and nothing is wrong with being a full time housewife. A full time housewife can also have a business empire

A new breed of woman is coming, she is the kept independent woman

How can an housewife have a business empire?

mogbojaiye:
I have long waited for this post,

And it's very good, d type of career a woman picks is very very important,so many woman have used their hands to drive them self out of their husband or their family hux becus of the type of career line they are involved in, we all know example of all dis career and I usually term them "what a man can do a woman can do better" ladies b watchful"

You might end up picking a career becus your parents wants u to or because u want to compete with men on the field but at d end you just get exhausted because the abilty of what a man can condole is totally different from that of a woman and God has long made it dat way, I have meet a few female who picked engineering as a course and I was like why don't u pick a course which u can work from home like computer science which was even suggested also by her aunty also to her, yes I kw u are picking d engineering because it's lucrative but don't dive into a field dat will distance yourself from your husband and family, but she said my parents what me to study engineering and elect elect to b precise, na waoo, if only dis girl kws what's she is going for she will think twice,

For me a lady dat goes for a professional field u can name them, just a few are still able to handle their home which d many of them completely allow their professional job climb their head and last last na cry day end am

I doubt any normal woman would pick a career to compete with a man. I am not even considering them in this discuss.

So if I desire to be an engineer, I shouldn't because?

What if I read education and because I am excellent at what I do, I am made minister for Education or perm sec for education (e.g. Daddy Adekunle Gold), do I reject it?

Do you realize that some teachers would work harder/ longer hours than some engineers?

Heloct:
Source: https://helenaheloct..com/2018/12/stale-but-stew-1.html?m=1

@OP

Happy 2019.

I would have preferred the post was quotable.

I cringe at tags such as 'boss lady', 'independent woman', 'career woman' etc. because it connotes that being a woman is not enough or these qualities are not inherent in women.

This is 2019: women should just be women of integrity who have principles and build values along the way.

They should also look for men inline with their dreams who can push then when they slack.