₦airaland Forum

More like 'women, marry a man who can/would lead you'.

vuxelle:
Thank you all for your response, it is shocking though that the post was completely misunderstood by most people. Could not divulge too many info, but from permission, I had to make this addition

1. Both are in Europe. They became acquainted with the neighbours just 4 months ago, although it appears they have known for ages.
2. The husband is an expatriate who works in another European country and lost his very good job just 7 months ago. He got a new contract that starts in September in the same country as his family. (He lost his job largely because he refused to be part of the weekend overtime shift because he always has to be home to his family by the weekend). He is not able to travel because he can not renew his paper. (he is not in the common travel area). The husband usually travels home every weekend before this.
3. The family agreed for the woman to start the study, and the husband paid for the study himself ( about 7,000 euros).
4. Both partners were aware of the travelling as part of the course when she enrolled last year. The arrangement was that the husband will mind the children when the time comes. But the husband's situation changed before the sign-up date for the course, discussions started between husband and wife on the best alternative, however, the madam (wife) went ahead to sign up without telling the husband.
4. The 5 days is part of the course requirement, it can be done next semester, worse case, by January next year.
5 No other deep issue as some of you are insinuating.
6. I only came here just to evaluate the thoughts of their fellow citizens of the couple on general marital issues.
7. I showed this discussion to the couples, they even laughed at some of the comments.
8. These kinds of stories are very very common.

But your contributions are all appreciated.

Thanks for the additional clarity, my previous post still stands.

If they can't find someone they are very comfortable with to care for the kids (and a 4mth old neighbor doesn't cut it), let the wife defer till the husband is able to come home.

Or she explores if there is provision for an online version.

vuxelle:
Hello all,
I need to bring this to this section for better balanced contribution, I have also updated some earlier information due to better information

The husband of a lady is against his wife attending a 4-7 days school course from Germany to the Netherlands. Participants can leave on the 5th day if they want, participants will also get 800 euros as participating fee. The course starts in 2 months' time, madam already signed up without her husband’s knowledge, and just recently told her husband about the signing up (They have been discussing the issue of whether to go or not and the best options). Her husband is against this and told the woman to shift the course to next year because her husband can not travel to be with the children due to circumstances that can not be resolved now. The kids are between (7-12 years). Although the husband will be able to travel later in the year, however, madam will have none of it at all, because according to her, it means her graduation will also be shifted to the next academic session/next year, this, she will never ever accept. So no negotiation about it.

Although the discussion has been going on between both, about the best option, madam suddenly told the man she has resolved to go and nothing can stop her. The husband is in shock, it appears madam has been playing and acting along as if she was genuinely looking for other solutions. Moreover, the husband noted that madam is no longer willing to discuss the issue with the man, as the woman has become angry/rude/verbally abusive. ( the husband acknowledges that this behaviour is not new, as anytime issues like this come up, the woman always throws up this defence mechanism- gets angry, stops talking to the man or becomes abusive/ talks rudely to the man. )

Naturally, the husband is a cool guy though, madam is as stubborn as anything and always has her way on all issues. The man is genuinely afraid that the children might be exposed to abuse and other things, moreover, he feels the last child is too young to be left alone

According to the man, the woman is a good person, but very very stubborn. Everything has to be her way. To the extent that her family has near zero influence on her, so there is nothing he can do in that respect, hence he usually pays heavily for counseling

They are both doing their best for the family (both of them confirmed this in separate meetings with them).

What is your take on this, please?

The couple has communication issues if the wife applies for a onsite course outside their city/country before informing her husband.

If her place of work/school scheduled her for a training, it is a different ball game as she has no input and would just update the husband.

The story also needs a bit of clarity; from the OP, the husband wants her to defer the course because he cannot be with the kids during the time of the course because of circumstances due to his control:
1. How sure is he that the issue wouldn't be resolved before the course?
2. What plans does the wife has to mind the kids for the week she is gone since her husband is not around?

I understand the position of both parties:

A year is a long time and anything can change;

A week is a long time and the children's lives can be destroyed for ever.

I hope they come to a solution that satisfies all parties/ has the least casualties.

shineeye1:
Wicked Woman! All these many many years that you all have been eating and feeding fat on this man's hard work while keeping what you earn to yourself alone, did you come to nairaland to ask for divorce? Diabolical Deviress!
Now that the hapless man is down for no fault of his and is doing all to retain his sanity and keep calm and collected for a sure next move, you want to bring the heavens down! Demon!!! How many years now have you been feeding the family alone, how many years, you devil incarnate?! I hate you with passion, just as I hate all devils

You sound too emotionally invested in this case.

Are you the husband?

If you are or you know him, dust your feet and look for something productive to earn.

You are a man and one the markers of healthy manhood/ masculine energy is provision, protection and caring for your family/lover

Stand up and become productive!

Luckysbab:
If the wife is asking in a critiquing manner, he might not be willing to open up, knowing she will castigate/nag anyways.

Most times when men keep issues away from women, it's cos they don't expect a meaningful way out from them.

Imagine the pettiness of pointing out how he puts on the AC bla bla. You really think she's making sincere efforts to be helpful?

At one point or the other, a man might not have things figured out. That's human. And those around can only help them figure out their way.

It is petty to point out a jobless man is putting on AC every day?

Even two income household try to mix and match fan & AC to reduce the expenditure on utilities.

Should he be thinking of adding to their financial burden or reducing it?

When articles like this comes out, one wonders if lack of common sense is a criteria to support certain things.

Who is his/her right mind compares the female body to the male body?

Or sexual reaction to both bodies?

When the consequences of the madness comes calling, everyone starts to cry foul

Human's ability to be foolish is fascinating.

Anyways, strong men create good times; good times create weak men; weak men create bad times; bad times create strong men.

A man in Ukraine or a woman in Afghanistan wouldn't think of topless beaches as a sign of gender equality.

Desmond Elliot really disappointed me sha.

@OP:

Happy International Women's Day to all we women who were born as women.

Businext:
#IWD

Your picture is really nice.

Christian women need to learn to draw their identity and purpose from their source; God.

anthonyuncle:
another day,
another trouble

Hahahahahaha, Wahala nor dey finish!

I don't know if I should be 'happy' Tinubu was declared winner due to the relative peace now or be sad that overcoming voter apathy isn't enough to make your 'votes count.'

With his desperation and resources (thugs and murderers), this country would be burning now if someone else was declared the winner.

Afi King West na.

Minister of Transportation's son has spoken.

It is well o.

TheGoodAmerican:
Nigerians were only shouting Peter Obi's name on Nairaland, but y'all didn't go out and show up for him at the polls.

Really?

With the heavily rigged elections, Obi pulled 6m plus votes.

For the first time, I saw Nigerians actually put their vote where their mouth is.

Flame333:
The shame of Lagos defeat in Nigeria and Africa will remain in history, much more like MKO Abiola did to his northern contender during his time..

The shame even if he becomes president? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bros, pick up a basic text on strategy and read.

To APC, Lagos is a pawn. Even though he 'lost' in Lagos, he got his required 25% so invariably, he did not even lose nada.

Also compare the margin of 'win' in Lagos to the losses in other states that unfortunately, LP did not smell 25% which is double whammy.

ibkayee:
I know Tinubu would rather lose the entire election than Lagos 😂

Then you have no inkling of the mindset of a man/person like Tinubu.

He would dash LP Lagos to soothe people's egos and clinch the presidency.

His eye is on the ball/goal and I admire his shrewdness.

While I do not buy into his ideologies, I would read a book on politics authored by him.

Proudlyomonna:
Nonsense results.
Tinubu did not get up to 100k votes in Lagos.
We will prove that very soon.

Na only you dey see

This is just crumbs to keep everyone quiet.

Very nice strategy 👍

Aforxzy:
This warning again. They disrupted yesterday's election and you are here still issuing warning instead of acting.

The police seems compromised

Seems??

naptu2:
SP Benjamin Hundeyin @BenHundeyin



https://twitter.com/BenHundeyin/status/1629851550024716290

I guess he was comatose yesterday when APC thugs were operating.

Ramanto:
My best friend calls my wife by name, but something inside of me is not cool with but I won't make a fight of that

Why?

Most of the troublesome MILs replaced their bad husbands with their sons so it almost feels like the wife is taking away her lover.

You rarely see women who lived good lives/have good relationships with their husbands disturb their DILs.

zomby:
The truth is, this mistress was the entity that was keeping the married man’s marriage alive. Why?
Because she did every single thing the wife was unable to do for her husband. She was the tool that kept the man focused and also kept him distracted; she was the mixture of everything the married man needed to keep him going.
But now that she has moved on, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the married man will now focus on his wife, but simply means the man will desperately be searching for her replacement. Believe it or not, the married man still loves his wife much more than anything, he will never leave his wife for the mistress… He will surely miss the mistress badly, he will also struggle badly to find a replacement that fits well, but he will not die.

Surprisingly sidekicks or mistresses are now becoming extremely essential entities that keep a lot of marriages together…Without them, many marriages would have fallen apart…

Prediction: With time (after the marriage thrill is gone) the mistress will surely return to her sugar daddy for side sugar from time to time.

@bold:

Do you know what love means

DKM123:
I can't recall @ bolded but I have read about many of such ridiculous cases.

The average Nigerian married woman is just there to serve the man and raise their kids. Romance and love is forever lost on many of them and they are doomed to never experience it again. Only the side chic gets to enjoy all of that. Hahahaha

But the Nigerian women don't mind cos she has been conditioned to endure in such marriages. She will even be the first to scream, "it rains everywhere" to her fellow married woman crying over marital infidelity. Quite pathetic.

@bold:

I find it hilarious when someone says it doesn't matter as long as the husband 'comes home every night'.

As if 'coming home every night' is the indication of true love 💕😘

Machinegun91:
A fake story from a fake gender, men are not weird like that other gender.


Next agenda please

Yet there are more stories of men absconding with lovers than women.

OgaMadam:
Very interesting thoughts. Imagine now as a wife having to baby your husband because he is so busy grieving a mistress who has moved on with her life. Why cant he just let go and come back home 100%

@bold:

I can only imagine why the wife is foolish without any iota of self respect.

Even if she can't survive without the man and doesn't want to end the marriage, small self-respect would tell her to ignore him until he comes back to his senses.

WackyJ1:
You're an insane person.

What kind of childish infantile moronic female is this.

If you do not have the mental bandwith to engage in a logical discussion or defend your points in a rational manner then leave this place and go and find your other babies to play with in the Romance section.

Ha!

It is clear where the problem is now. Your pride would not let you admit you did something wrong nor let you understand people's boundaries.

Your friend is better off without you.

DonroxyII:
Well .... Whatever Rocks Ya Boat ...Until dem plank you 2by2 for Head you no go Reset ....

Even if Good gestures is misinterpreted I just rendered I'm sorry and Walk Away.... next time I Correct myself in front of such fellow ..... You no get work dey fight unnecessary drama ...

I'm a Yoruba man ... there is "O" there is "e" ... e is a prefix for Respect ...
O is a Prefix for Comradeship..

Once a Female friend is Married ... I changed it to "e" to mark my respect for her marital life and Mix with "O" once we are together ....

A colleague of mine got Married to a girl in my Department she was in 300L while I was in year 2 of Masters .... Very Junior to me age ....

I started using "e"(Prefix for Respect) for Her Once she Married my Colleagues even while they were dating .... E.g Sister Ayoka, e bami ki Bro Seye ..(Sister Ayoka, help me greet seye) ...

That's Our Culture....

I could sound English by Saying "Ayoka ba mi ki Seye" .... (Ayoka, Greet seye):

Next stages of Couples gossips is gonna be on Ya Head.... Next thing is Ore re Baje(Your Friend is Disrespectful, He has been calling me by my first name ... one day one day I go change am for him ....

To avoid stories that Touches the heart ... simply Comply and Move On......

A Yoruba-Man is known for much Diplomatic-Relations na why dem call us Tortoise!

You are very patient with the OP.

If the OP cannot respect his friend's boundaries, he should end the friendship.

How is Oga, Daddy wa, Daddy Shade, Odogwu, Hubby, Madam, Lolo, Lady M, Mummy Titi, Our wife, Wifey etc. takes nothing from me.

Even my colleagues turned friends older than my husband do not call him by name.

Ayo13945:
Maria, was working in Japan with a Japanese colleague, preparing a client presentation.


She asked him if he was pleased with the work they had done together.


He told her that, yes, he was. A couple of days later Maria heard through the grapevine that her colleague wasn’t happy with the result and wanted to rework the presentation.


When she asked him why he’d told her that it was
all right when it wasn’t, he replied:
"But I told you with sad eyes, Maria."

The last line took me out.

Reading the room is everywhere. You just need to interpret what that particular room/culture is saying 😊

LarochelE:
Anytime I discuss marriage, she keeps saying she is not ready

You need your mother's prayers at this point.

Good luck.

Fashy070:
I recently found out that my girlfriend whom I am supposed to be getting married to soon, stays in the same room with her brother who is a full adult, takes her bath with him in same bathroom at same time, changes her clothes down to her panties infront of him, they sleep on thesame bed, she doesn't sleep with panties and she sleeps with short skirts and she sleeps very roughly

They live in thesame house with their mum, and though they have many rooms, they choose to stay in one room together and their mum stays in another room, when her other siblings come back from school (uni) they all join them in that same room, and they don't hide their unclothedness from each other

I feel very uncomfortable about this but she says it's nothing, that they dnt do anything and they have been like that since birth,

I don't know if I am wrong for feeling uncomfortable about this, what do you guys think

If you are uncomfortable, unsatisfied with her feedback and she is unwilling to change, please take a walk.

AmazonTopaz:
1. It's wrong because there is no equivalent of advice for men. The change in marital status applies to women.

2. Women are not adult enough to know what they want they have to be retrained and shrink themselves in marriages just to please the men.

3. Have you ever come across wisdom for husbands? Or any marital advice given to men that will make men ask themselves if they are afjly enough to know what they want too.

1. That is where the problem lies. The advice in itself is not wrong. Rather than discard it because there is no 'equivalent' for men, find a man who knows the equivalent. Besides, there are a number of equivalents on& offline though I agree not as popular as for women. Men change from part of a household to the head of a household; they also change from Master to Mr.

2. Retraining/grooming is not a bad thing. In every human relationship, you are been groomed to perform in a certain way and if you like them, you work towards pleasing them. Poco said her man doesn't go out to watch ball after 10pm; that is grooming/retraining. It is about perspective of the trainee & trainer.

3. I have come across wisdom for husbands even here on NL.

AmazonTopaz:
Or rather, it was how they were taught and conditioned to reason by society hence their sons are that way.

Then they think it is the 'ok' way for husbands to be and like it like that.

I know this will spoil the narrative but: women are not helpless victims in these situations 95% of the time.

They want 'hard' men; I have seen some men reject a man because he is too 'cool' and/or doesn't want drama. I have seen women deride men seen as gentle; I have seen women disrespect men who are gentle. Infact, some men start off relationships as gentlemen & switch when the girls begin to take advantage of them. (Though the switching is on him; if he can't stand her 'disrespect', he ends the relationship).

And maybe it is a human thing not exclusive to man/woman relationship.

I remember when I was home after NYSC; I picked up most of the chores because I was the most available person. I even washed the clothes of my younger sisters. Apart from the fact I was home, they were prepping to retake SSCE so doing everything I can to ensure they are 'free' to read made logical sense to me.

Unfortunately, I started noticing signs of disrespect however rationalized that maybe I was just sensitive and shook it off. Until one day we had a family friend's daughter with us and was role playing one of them's mother & was serving her. And the sister told the child roleplaying her mother to stop serving her else she would soon lose her respect. That was my eureka moment & naturally I stopped all the specialized service for them.

I usually have a different issue towards male/female discussions. I think it is much more complex than men/Nigerian men are evil (I am not saying they don't have their excesses) while the women are 'saints'.

AmazonTopaz:
See them patriarchy princesses.

No wonder divorce dey reign for Nigeria now because na only women dem dey train for marriage and not men. The men end up becoming terrible horsebands.

Una dooh.

And what is wrong with her wisdom for wives?

pocohantas:
Now to the topic…

I do not see a problem with a woman taking PERMISSION from her man/husband to do certain things or go to certain places.

I’ll be lying if I say I do not do it. I have stopped wearing some things and stopped hangouts with my colleagues because “he” didn’t like it. It is normal and it could be healthy as no one is perfect and sometimes your partner helps check excesses. I also tell him before I make some expenses. Major expenses, not 2k, 10k stuff.

As a woman, I won’t allow my man go watch football by 10pm at a bar. Majorly for security reasons. So your reason for stopping your partner from going somewhere should make sense and not an ego trip.

The problem I have with Nigerian men is that they abuse every power given to them. They singlehandedly spoilt the definition and concept of submission. Now it is permission. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Throw in submission, obey, respect, virtuous, good wife, etc and you would look like a villain for “disobeying”.

Stopping a woman from going to see her family or friends is plain senseless. That is why many married women are depressed. Asides doing school run, they have no single life and existence to themselves.

This is beautiful and well said.

Everyone (male & female) are groomed by their partners to their taste/ check excesses like you said.

The solution to 'Nne, you need my permission to breathe' is not 'I own myself and you can't tell me what to do'.