₦airaland Forum

TonyeBarcanista:
The wahala sef too much!

Wife will say the husband is not protecting her enough

Sisters will say their brother is ungrateful (since he got married) after all they did for him. They will narrate how he abandoned them since he got married!

Some mothers will say their son has changed towards them since he got married and complain of DIL's behavior.

Everybody want to tear the man!

I thank God for my family and our orientation! Thank God for my parents and and siblings!

No be small thing.
Some of these women will just position men in the middle of their wahala and be using you to do tug of war.

I dey always leave dem o.
Shey they want to fight and kill themselves, oya go ahead. Just don't involve me.

freecocoahubby:
Lool.. she's implying dogs have "fangs".. I guess dogs are vampires now
@ImaIma1 you be oponu I swear.. Idi0t! Did you go to school at all?

The SILs are both dogs and vampires na.. And the English prof is trying hard to defend her PhD from Otuoke Poly.

sassysure:
Busy wives don't have time too.

Endurance and patience is vital.

Is it not some tribes that I heard the man will be flogged severally to test his endurance in the olden days.

He should go and beg with his people and make sure his people scold him properly in the man's presence. If need be, give him one dirty slap if he talk anyhow.
Anything to debase him and romance the man's ego he crushed.
Hope he is wise enough.

Lol @debase him.

The guy needs to chill anyway and not be in an unnecessary battle with his wife's father.

ImaIma1:
[s]Throw someone to the dogs means "to abandon someone to criticism and attack"

I think it is you men that are over analysing the statement as typical African men that see disrespect in idioms.[/s]

Keep shut and don't try to be smart by half.
Everyone with basic education knows what the expression means.

ImaIma1:
Your husband is the problem. He cannot throw you to the dogs (his sisters). He needs to protect you from their fangs. If he cannot condition how they treat you with the way he himself treats you, there's really nothing you can do.

But when you specified his sisters as the dogs with fangs in your comment, even a blind man could sense your intention.

So what are you trying to wriggle out of?

ImaIma1:
[s]You are obviously a child seeking attention. I don't have time for your tantrums.[/s]

Shut your trap.
Who are you and what is your attention worth in ariaria market?

Do you call your own SILs dogs?
Simple question and you busy eating your shít.

TonyeBarcanista:
Women are their own problem.

Mothers against daughters
Mother in-laws against Daughter in-laws
Wife against Sister in-laws

They are always in competition for man's attention and in conflict with each other. They must learn to live in harmony!

Maybe it will happen on Mars in the year of our lord 3000AD

ImaIma1:
[s]I see you don't know anything about idiomatic expressions.

Google the phrase "throw someone to the dogs" and tell me if it has anything to do with someone being a dog[/s]

You must as a matter of fact, be quiet.

Any educated person reading that knows it is a figurative expression for worthlessness. So are your own SILs worthless?

Instead of you to take it back, you are doing damage control by trying to teach your ancestors English language.
You must be very silly.

sassysure:
The guy is a complete anùòfia.

And the babe is suffering from iberiberism.

No matter how stubborn a father in law is, if u love their daughter genuinely, there is always a way out. That man simply needs conviction that he is genuine, that's all and he absolutely fukked it up.

And it won't even be that hard to please the man. FIL will not be visiting you in your house every other month, or want to be all over your business with his daughter. They leave those kind of feferity for their wives.

The guy don fvck up, so good behaviour is his only redeeming way out, not all this stubbornness over his own blunder.

ImaIma1:
Your husband is the problem. He cannot throw you to the dogs (his sisters). He needs to protect you from their fangs. If he cannot condition how they treat you with the way he himself treats you, there's really nothing you can do.

Is this what you call your own sisters-in-law? Dogs?
You people will call your SILs 'dog', call your MILs 'witch', call your female friends 'fake' - all of them, women just like you...and you still walk around thinking you lots don't have serious social problems with your own selves.

You should be very proud.
Nonsense.

Anifaza:
Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate. It all started in my ist year of marriage when I had my baby and still in school. My mum came to look after baby and few months later, I took in again of which I left baby with mum while I continued schooling.
They accused my hubby of allowing my mother to be the only one taking care of baby and not them. That in their tradition, mothers of wife have no say and influence in family affairs. This was a major issue and still is. While in my culture, nothing of such as we see nothing wrong here. They disrespect my mother till date because of this. I have caught one twice giving my mother bad eye.
2ndly, a distant relative came with high risk pregnancy with fibroid and I asked she comes to seek medical help and go back, when she came, it was war in my house that it is forbidden in their culture for a pregnant woman to come to another man's house which she's not pregnant for. She later left but loads of issues after this.
My in-laws come anytime even with their children .Every other week and weekend is in my house.
My husband will not take us out unless they are around.
Hubby's lil sis but older than me lived with me for 5 years and that's where the whole wahala persisted with her giving information. I began to see their collaboration through her and frustrated me to the very letter.
We had a fight and hubby asked her to leave. They all ganged up not to talk to me or hubby again which hubby is feeling alienated.
Hubby said his position is threatened in his family and I am the cause. I took care of his older sister who had complication in her surgery for 6 months in my house, non of them came to visit her in my house nor call me. Rather , She got well and told others that I didn't give her food that was why when one called her and she said she was in a restaurant to eat. Hubby and I had issue on this.
I am so fed up . I work and I contribute significantly in the family.
They see me as the one who eats their brother's money alone.
Hubby takes great financial care of them. I am just tired.

What I see here is the usual woman against woman issues that abound in extended families which force the men to choose sides - wife always on one side and MIL/SILs on the other, every damn time. I have seen too many of situations like this, even experienced it.
If women could just get along, a lot of families will hardly have any problems.

There's honestly no way your husband will intervene without offending one party, so that's simply out of it. If he knew any better, he would recuse himself from the situation altogether due to conflict of interests - this will be hard but that is what I would do. Peace of mind is hugely more important than being a perfect husband to you or a perfect brother to his sisters.

If he still listens to you, tell him this:
He must tell his sisters never to report you to him henceforth, also they should never challenge you out of respect for him. At the same time, you also must never report his sisters to him or challenge them. I put that in bold because you certainly have something to do with the current situation of things whether you care to admit it or not.
Any issues you have with your SILs should be dealt with by you and them ONLY without your husband as a mediator - no such thing as go and tell your sisters, or go and tell your wife. You women have still not learned in 2019 not to put men in the middle of issues you started between yourselves especially when it involves family.

Like I noted earlier however, if he knew any better, recusing himself is the standard he should have set from the beginning. I have come to realize that when women are fighting and they notice that the man who is supposed to be in the middle quenching the flames does not care whether they kill themselves, they quickly get sense and start behaving properly.

EngrEngr:
I absolutely want it to end.

Then dey dobalé for the man whenever you meet him, it will take nothing from you given the circumstances. You should also seek a means to apologize for not waiting for the date his family wanted to set, at least just for the issues to die down.

Not all battles must be fought on a battlefield, you will only wear yourself out.

EngrEngr:
theButterfly and crackhaus - it didn’t happen that way. Let me explain better. Due to the fact that both parents have met, and date was going to be fixed and We were preparing for the main wedding event. However we realised that her parents wanted to run the whole show including fixing the date and even paying for all expenses without input from my parents which was really annoying and a show of pride and totalitarianism.

Hence waiting for her parents to fix the date was not going to favour our timing so we decided to have the private civil ceremony.

Like I stated earlier, they literally have been giving me rules and regulations on how to relate with them like I am a pauper from Nigeria. They know I and my other siblings studied abroad and in private univs too.

I used maturity to overlook their excesses cos friends made me believe I should just tolerate it till I am married and begin to ignore them.

Her parents consistently tried to manipulate me with all sorts until they began using the tool of suspending or threatening to cancel our wedding ceremonies to threaten me to succumb to their demands of being a slave to the family. That was when my wife told them, it was too late to threaten with that cos we were already married and I had also applied for my stay.

This led to a the new dimension of drama I shared on the original post

Okay let me ask you a simple question:

Do you want the drama to continue or you want it to end, at least for now?

theButterfly:
lol, I read his post very carefully. Yes, if she was white it would be more apparent but his words were also very clear in the OP. Some people here will support his actions b|c they would do the same. Idk how he expects her family to be pleased when he married their daughter in this manner. He only sent them the message that he does not regard nor respect them by marrying her behind their backs after their refusal.

No respect or regard for them at all.

And to think he believes that somehow, his FIL should be nicer to him after that stunt. Ahhh, where does that happen after stealing (for lack of a better word) his daughter.
I never see or hear this kind of thing before o, especially coming from a grown man.

EngrEngr:
hakeemhakeem theButterfly Thank you for your contributions, I appreciate your views but they’re very incorrect and I just realised it’s my fault you feel so. I didn’t mention that; we already met families and dates had been fixed for the main events. Her parents used their domineering attitude to cancel it for very false reasons that would shock you if I mention.

If I say all the details of what they have done, I will need about three pages on nairaland.

On my honour, my wife is also aware and currently reading these posts so there is nothing sinister about my actions or my relationship with her.

And after they cancelled it, you went ahead to do it without their knowledge. So what are you even trying to explain?

Even if your wife was ignorant of traditions due to her longer stay in the US, you as a proper Yoruba boy did not let her know that it's highly improper to get married without the consent & involvement of the woman's family...that way, she can then do whatever was necessary to bring her people on board.
And you're here still feigning ignorance on why her father is trying to frustrate your union with her?
You want him to clap for you.

You're quite funny.

How long have you spent in the US for you to be so disregarding of your customs and embarrass yourself such?
What about your own parents and family, are they in support of your private civil ceremony?

bryanarchie:
no oooooooooooooo, my dear this our marriage has gone through s lot. he told me he was only invited.
all the time I've been there has always been s disaster, I don't want to try anymore.
actually I just want us to be alone, all this family family stuff is tiresome

You should go with him regardless.

Prognose:
And to make matters worse for the ladies, DNA tests have reduced in cost. You can now get your paternity test done for as low as N250k.

I tried marketing the kit once at a new generation bank. If you see the way the women eyed me eh, if they had daggers I may not have escaped unhurt that day.

Once some women hear DNA test, all their electrodes will start experiencing high current discharge - I don't know whether it's because they are never sure who actually got them pregnant.

Bukatyne

midnighter:
Abi, smh

Yes o.

BTW, I saw where you were being accused of being male. So are you male with a dangling asherah pole?
Someone here wants to know...with photo proof if possible

bryanarchie:
we've been through a lot as a couple and I'm really tired of trying to get my point through but to no avail.my hubby wants to travel home to his parents because he got an invitation from his very sick dad to come over for Christmas (I was not invited, long story). I do not want him to go this season (after new year is okay) because I want us to spend Christmas together (me him and our sons) we've never spent Christmas together in our home.when he travels, he comes back flat broke and I'm left with the burden of our home for January.I feel he should not abandon his uber business this season.I want us to crossover together as a family.he is insisting and I'm not having it....

please am I wrong, because his mother and father are in their home, why can't he stay with us.travelling with him is not an option.

This long story is very important, you should share it here because I suspect it is the real reason you're against the trip, certainly not the family chicken you want to kill together or crossing-over.

Besides, if your husband was invited, it means you are automatically invited also as family. Or are you expecting your own special invitation?
Were you specifically told not to go along?


You have not shared what is actually going on.

theButterfly:
You did use her for papers, but you made it more obvious to the family (who were already suspicious of you) by having a quick, private ceremony w|o her parents/family in attendance. If she told her parents about the ceremony "after" it took place, that means they didn't know about it before it did and were obviously not present. No parent would be happy with a situation like this, plus they must've felt you coerced her into the private marriage ceremony b|c of your visa issues. Why is she still living with her family and not with you?

You should apologize to them if you haven't and let them know you're genuine, if you are. You cannot force them to like you but just have to manage their situation b|c you got yourself into it.

I'm wondering how it got to you and no one could just call him out on this. If she was white, I'm pretty sure this would have been the pervasive thought on the thread and not the prostration.

EngrEngr, both of you had a private ceremony without her parents knowledge - this is a wrong way to start a family if your intention was completely genuine.
So if her father wants you to lick his feet, brother you better lick it because you have dehumanised yourself in his eyes by using his daughter to solidify your hussle.

How do you expect him to respect you when you didn't respect yourself? The man already suspected you when he first met you, hence the interrogations...then you ended up doing exactly what he suspected about your intentions.
It's clear-cut if you ask me.

bukatyne:
People can walk away.

Do I want to find out if the person I am fingering their mind would walk away?

No.

I am not that bold.

And if someone close to me keeps saying the wrong things after warnings and even looking inwards, they will pay for it (whatever I deem appropriate) .

Aren't you Dr. Manhattan?
You ought to be able to control how every human being on earth should respond to you.

How dare you be timid when you can use your superpowers?

bukatyne:
Because men sometimes instigate verbal abuse too.

Yes, but is it on the excuse that the wife should not respond with physical abuse because she's stronger?

bukatyne:
You are late to the party

I have already stated it earlier.

Let me find it

Note the bold:

So why you con dey edit my post na if we are already on the same wavelength?

bukatyne:
Hahahahahaha!

Admit it, I'm right

bukatyne:
There is a movie 'Disturbed'. by Fredrick Leonard and Kiki Omeilli

When you watch it the first time, you will think the guy is evil till you get to the end.

If it was real, the husband would have gone mad.

Yea well, regarding your edit to 'people', surely you understand the context here is verbal abuse by an instigator who believes they will be safe from physical abuse...and guess which gender is guilty of this? Yes, women.

Fountainofyouth:
[s]You went crawling on your stomach to my thread to get my attention lol
You were so excited I replied, like feeling on top of the world, you had to sheepishly ask why you called my attention, who loves who now
And then you had to apologize for your previous stupidity like you were so sad you couldn't sleep at night for 2 days, you had to wake me up with your mention I know I was in your thoughts boo, and I know I have a way of sliding in like that, I have that effect,but you ain't worth a dot dude, that is how irrelevant you are to me,

What a pathetic creature. [/s]

Not interested
https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/crl-ntntns.gif

midnighter:
Yes, which is why I couldn't understand what they were saying in that thread with the dude who hit his wife.

It was like some of them were reading a different post

The Dunning-Kruger Effect can do that.

midnighter:
Lol..I am still digesting the thread

From a logical standpoint it seems one way but the whole "don't ever hit a woman" stuff still comes in because of the proportional effect of man's strength vs a woman's.

We assume that the man's own would be worse, because most of the time, it is. So that's another factor.

Knowledge of this fact is exactly why women who are devilishly manipulative take advantage of men by being verbally abusive, and then cry foul when they get their teeth kicked in.

Nothing worse than a manipulative woman, Belial has nothing on her.

Fountainofyouth:
I honestly don't care, let's just continue avoiding each other abeg, I'm not in the mood for any back and forth with you......

Her thirst for me will never let her keep to her own words.
Attention hungry chics turn me all the way off.

Girl I just don't like you, and I want nothing to do with you even if my life depended on it.

Fountainofyouth:
To what? After the bull you did on that thread, what more can you do or haven't done? You even went as far as getting a mod to delete my comment abi mention of you, I know you're petty but really? Smh,

Cry cry baby... Wa wa wa wa wa

Pathetic.

.

midnighter:
It is expected that you may fight back after being physically attacked; this is self-defence, you are trying to protect the integrity of your body.

It is not expected that you would go physical after being verbally abused, however allowances are made given that you were provoked.



Being verbally abused only warrants being verbally abused back.

But we know that some people struggle to restrain themselves during that split-second and lash out physically. Which wouldn't have happened if you had kept your mouth shut.

Not that it's right, but it's understandable.

In the case of violence ---> violence, the retaliation should still be reasonable.

If you slap somebody and they whack you halfway across the room and split your skull open, it will still be worse for them than if they gave you the same kind of slap back. Because you are still expected to use your judgement to decide on an appropriate response.

Even though both of those cases will still be mitigated, because the person was provoked



Verbal will be punished but with a lighter sentence.

Violent will be punished but with a lighter sentence.

Both depend on what the nature of the reaction was and how much damage it inflicted

I assume you already know I'm not the one who ought to read all of this because it's exactly what I have been all about here.

DON'T PROVOKE, it's quite simple really if everyone took their heads out of their arsés. But alas, I'm not holding my breath for this miracle to happen.

midnighter:
Lol I tried reading through this thread but I don't understand what's going on

What I know is that if you slap somebody you can't be sure of whatever comes next so it's better for you if you just don't go there

You can't imagine what will pass through the other person's nervous system at lightning speed while they process your action

Except if you know you're going to slap and run

Let me help you out.

Apparently, it's perfectly okay to return violence for violence but very bad to use violence as a response to verbal abuse.

The logic behind this is, you are only permitted to control yourself & set a good example in the latter, but with the former it's fair game - destroy the bítch if possible.
Also, the courts will definitely jail the person responding in the latter scenario, but will encourage the spouses to kiss and make up in the other scenario...assuming one of them is still alive.

Clear enough?

Fountainofyouth:
Thank you for this, I wanted bringing it up, seems she has forgotten her comment, goes to show that people don't practice what they preach.

Cc Crackhaus

You know what, I will attempt to engage you just for today so you can at least disprove my theory about your intelligence level since it's obvious you are totally incapable of ignoring me as you said you would.


Question:
What's the similarity between verbal abuse in a marriage setting involving a husband and his wife who must have mutual respect for each other, and abuse in a social setting involving strangers who don't know or care about each other?