₦airaland Forum

Klass99:
I can relate to this post. I had a school mate schooling and working in Russia. She often had to fall back on money contributed by her siblings in Naija to survive. She didn't stay back after school, she came home.

My own cousin returned from Australia, after his Masters. He said the system over there won't allow you live a very comfortable life. Everything is billed and taxed to a point where, you can hardly afford nice but expensive things for yourself.

He said most of the people he befriended had never been on a plane or travelled outside their states of residence, because by the time they are done paying bills, there's very little left for travel. Travelling for them, would mean a financial plan of 6 or 8 months ahead for that trip.

This is not always the case for immigrants, especially the ones of coming from Africa. There is a minimum wage system in most developed country, meaning no matter what you do, you can not earn below certain amount of money. These wages are put in place with consideration to cost of living, i.e housing, transport, feeding, taxation etc. Most minimum wages are livable wages, you can survive and live comfortably if you live according to your means.

Most Diasporans who come back home only do so because they do not see themselves doing these minimum wage paying jobs. e.g your cousin with a master degree wouldn't want to work as a security or sales associate at a store. Depending on ones course of study, grades, age, past work experience, not every diasporan will get the career of their choice. As long as you are able and willing to work and spend according to your means, you won't suffer.

Sleyanya1:


@ Point 4, anyone who pulls such stunt on you isn't worthy to be called your friend and most times you'd know when they're lying.


However, giving is something we should all make plans to do. You could set aside a budget for your folks back in Nigeria (that's if you can afford) and when you exhaust that you reschedule granting any other financial requests to the next month's budget.

Desperation can bring out the worst in people. I agree with you, i try to set aside a percentage of my earnings for charity, but i discovered that people will always take advantage of it. Some people who make requests end up living better than you, they walk into restaurants and spend money you won't spend on one sitting. You soon start to feel like you are being taken advantage of.

sweetmelanin:
I wish this was the case for most people in Nigeria but the reality is that majority are suffering!

That it is well with you doesn't mean you disregard the plight of millions of jobless, lowly paid Nigerians who sadly also have a entitlement mentality towards those abroad, making financial demands on top of someone else's sweat!

People have a bias and react to things through the lens of these biases. I am sure once he opened my thread he thought it was another diasporan bashing Nigerians in Nigeria post and he couldn't resist the impulse to defend the NIN.

Amanee:
Very valid points op and you're quite right.

Bailing friends and family financially is deeply engrained in our system, it even has a name, 'black tax'. It's not something that started today and it won't end anytime soon. So just do what you can and resist the urge to become a saviour at your own detriment. Like a wise man once said "when someone ends up being indebted, it's not because of the family. In many instances they don't themselves understand the limit of their finances. Someone who knows their limit regardless of family pressure will not go over their limit".

You are very correct Amanee, i realize that when i was working in naija, i could give out almost a quarter of my monthly pay without thinking about it, right now i cannot even give out 5% except it's a life or death situation, even though i earn more now. Your comment is spot on.

Klass99:
Point 5, made me lol. I do the same thing too, when I think something is too pricey, I refuse to buy it. Only to end up spending that sum of money or even more, on cash requests from family or friends.

I'm in Naija, but to answer your question, I don't have a problem with telling people I am broke or now is not a good time for me financially. I don't dilly dally with my answer either, so the person with a request, can quickly move on from me to other options.

I would like an early retirement from this rat race of a 9-5. So, now, I am very focused on investments and putting more money away towards my retirement. This has caused me, to cut down on the number of requests I honour.

I call it requests rather than demands, because you can only ask me for financial help, demanding it will get you no where with me.

Very good for you, you have got your priorities right. I do have people who make demands and get angry when you don't meet up. These ones think you owe them and will say words like "let me enjoy you na, since you traveled you have only sent me money twice. bros no be so". I am learning to tell people i have commitments and i would not be able to be of assistance right now.

rentAcock:
Abroad people call me every weekend asking me to send money (not bragging). Many of them are frustrated over there. They work long hours including overtime but the government takes federal, state, city, social security, medicare, medicaid and disability taxes. On top of that, when they buy biscuit, they will still take sales tax. They pay exorbitant rent; those who "own" homes are locked in a loan repayment for 30yrs of which they still have to pay annual taxes for their house. Phone bill can cost over $60 per line, cable $120, internet $80 and they still pay tax on top of it. Burger and chips with soft drink can easily cost you $16 plus tax.

Sure some folks are making over $100,000 theoretically especially healthcare workers in expensive big cities like California and new York, but by the time the deduct all those taxes from their check, they are left with just $40,000. Then they still have to pay more taxes on every thing they buy. That's not life. It's like a rat wheel, oscillating but not making any progress. I have a cousin who was in the same situation in America, after 10yrs working as a social worker, he returned home and we started up a business. He still regrets all the years he spent slaving away in America. Today, he travels the world on vacation and visiting places he didn't even have time to visit when he was living abroad. It's not too late for Nigerians living abroad to return home; you can make it big here with less stress and you will extend your life span.

Lol. Nobody makes $100,000 and ends up with $40,000 after deductions. Anyway this is not a homebased vs diasporan thread. How do you cope with the people abroad making financial request?

Are you a Nigerian? do you have friends and family in diaspora or home who are doing well for themselves but will ignore your request to send money all the time? before you call them stingy or wicked, here are some of the reasons why rich friends do not give out money;

1. They don't have enough: Enough is subjective, someone can earn as much as $100,000/annum but feel he's not earning enough, some people have these dreams of being wealthy and that salary isn't sufficient to get them there. So you have a friend/relative who works in a big firm abroad, you think he's rich, he thinks he isn't earning enough. Even millionaires have needs too.

2. You are not the only one making financial demands: You think you are his best friend because you went to secondary school together and were seat mate or bunk mates in the hostel so automatically he should be predisposed to meeting your needs, well there are primary school best friends, university best friends, first love, NYSC best friends, Neighbours, uncles, aunties, brothers etc who think their request should be met too. It is impossible to meet all these needs.

3. Making financial demand is never a one time thing: I had this habit of giving money to people who ask for financial favors the first time. I thought since they never asked for such before, they must really be in need. I soon found out that after that first time they run to me whenever they need money again, sometimes they space out the request like two months, some every month etc. I then realize that the $100, $200 i send them is never going to be sufficient, they will always come back for more. So i joined the God will provide gang.

4. Yahoo boys : Not every fraudster hacks into companies accounts, or forge the accountants signature, or even find lonely older women/men to scam. Some yahoo boys have resorted to begging, they send you message of how their dad is dying in the hospital, how their sister got arrested for a crime she didn't commit and they need a lawyer bla bla, they call these lies format and once you send them money they pop champagne and call you client.

5. General realization : One day i was going through my bank statement and i noticed i gave out about $500 monthly to family and friends. The same me who will walk into H & M, see a shirt of $40 and think it's too costly. I either buy it grudgingly or wait till it's on sale to buy. I realized i wasn't taking care of myself enough. Most people will come to this realization at a point in their lives.

This thread isn't limited to just people abroad, it include people who work and earn who are home based too. How do you cope with demands?Diasporans what made you rethink your generousity?

Feel free to add yours.

Men wouldn’t mind a bisexual partner, women would mind. If my partner was bisexual I wouldn’t really bother as long as she’s not depriving of the love deserving of her husband.

yvelchstores:
it is not so. Before marriage these things are not bare. Then after marriage, suddenly he says his wife should leave Facebook, it's for her safety. Social media becomes ungodly. And her family? She is taking sides with them because she calls them on phone. He starts asking, "when last did u call them" and feels at home when he hears "I can't remember when last I spoke with them". She can't have visitors nor can she even attend weddings. Any avenue for her to be financially independent is a major threat.... All these things creep in after marriage, not before. But from where I stand, it's never to late to free yourself from such if you find yourself in it.

Maybe these specific issues do not come up but you would definitely see signs of being overprotective, of not wanting anything to do with your family, being controlling, etc. the signs are never hidden. I agree with you it is never too late to walk out of such marriages.

Women will go into a relationship with a man knowing fully well his position on certain issues then try to blackmail him with words like misogynistic or narcissistic.

A man who wants his wife to serve him and sees himself as the authority at home isn’t always a bad person, it’s his upbringing and views about life. I don’t think men like this will hide their character during courtship and only reveal them in marriage.

If you as a woman are not comfortable with his views, it is your prerogative to leave the relationship. There are certainly many women who wouldn’t mind a relationship with such people.

Most times women while dating would not mind being under total control, as soon as they get married they then expect the man to change all that she made him accustomed to. Relationship is the time to push boundaries, if he walks away, he walks away. Don’t date Pablo Escobar and expect to be in a marriage with Adeboye.

I don’t know who made these laws that a 17 year old can’t date a 24 year old but once she turns 18 she can date a 30 year old. If she’s in the university or any other higher institution please go ahead, she’s not a child, if she can choose her course of study she definitely can choose who to date.

It is wrong to hit anybody, however Nigerians are very hypocritical, we took only a small segment of that law as applied in western countries.

In western countries, teachers do not beat their students, military personnel do not beat civilians, men do not beat women, men do not beat men, parents do not beat children etc. Every kind of beating is prohibited.

In Nigeria, the child gets beaten by teachers, parents, older siblings etc, the child in turn beats up people he’s older and stronger than. We grew up like that with a mindset that we should use beating as a way of registering displeasure.

If the government is serious, physical violence should be frowned upon across all board starting from the family and schools. That way children can learn that not every situation should be solved with violence.


Back to your question, it’s because women are seen as physically weaker than their male counterpart. In the world today the weak is allowed to bully the strong but it mustn’t happen the other way. E.g. fans can insult celebs all day, when the celeb claps back it makes headline, black people can say trash about white people, when a white guy does same he’s accused of racism etc.

You can’t advise teenagers on issues as this. Once the hormones start they want to be in a relationship and that’s fine. I started dating at 13, I was in JSS3.

I think I agree with the guy who says relationships shouldn’t start till you are ready to marry. Anything you do before then is just setting yourself up for heartbreak, relationships should be a means to an end which is marriage, not just a tool to get sexually satisfied.

Again, you can’t advise people about these things, they will do what they want anyway.

Why can’t a woman marry two men is just like asking why can’t men be prostitutes!! The answer is who will patronize them? Is it the same woman who can get sex from any man on her whatsapp or instagram contact who will pay for sex?

With the multitude of single women willing and ready to settle down, why will two complete and able men choose to share one? If you choose to buy them with money, the chances of them using your money on other ladies are very high.

You can however choose to have multiple sex partners, guys are not selfish, they will even be the one giving your contact out to their friends to bed you.

Advantage: you will have lots of sex
Disadvantage: if you choose to settle down later on you will have the dilemma of having to inform your partner about your past or risk him finding out from outside sources.

NoToPile:
The things I read on NL sha.

What would you like to read on NL? To hate your husband because he has a bad habit?

Women do not always like it when their spouses give other people money, the 5000 or 10000 your husband gives his siblings is not the cause of his lack of investments.

There are lots of other ways your husband can cut cost but you are fixated on him not giving his family. Expunge that idea from your mind, it will always be seen as trying to put a wedge between him and his family.

If truly your husband is irresponsible with his money, love him through it and one day he will come to realization, if you can’t do that leave the marriage. You are already solely taking care of your immediate family, I’m sure you won’t miss him anyway?

Most working class girls are like this. There are many men who are also like this. They feel threatened with the goodness of their partners they would prefer it didn’t happen.

OP you are normal, as long as you don’t physically/intentionally do anything to sabotage his progress, it’s jealousy/fear which are basic emotions.

You really are only looking out for yourself, but by doing so wishing someone else bad, it’s good you have acknowledged these emotions, whenever it comes to mind again pray for him and wish him blessings.

rockstarB:
Thank you, quite insightful. Maybe the OP feels it's too early to demand. Like one poster said here the other time. Men will demand for what they feel they are entitled to and even beyond. When ladies make these demands they are quick to tag them with names. I dont see myself asking a man I just met for husband responsibilities, paying Bill's on me and all, neither will I be happy to be doing wifely duties so soon into a new relationship too

The OP bf is also being called names, she has tagged him the traditional man. He has a standard and he has made his standard known. If she rejects I’m sure he would walk away from the relationship.

The demand from the OP doesn’t have to be financial, it could be how she expects to be treated e.g I can’t cook for you till we get married, or I need help in the kitchen etc. If he can’t do those things then she should also take a walk.

I think it’s pointless been in a position where you have all the powers to make a change but you just sit still and complain about it. She’s lucky he didn’t pretend to be nice and caring then start changing when they get married.

OP your bf isn’t evil, neither are you. You are just incompatible, he has these ideas of how he wants his woman to treat him and he’s demanding you to do it.

You keep saying he hasn’t done anything husband material, have you demanded these things from him? Or are you just wallowing in expectations.

Truth is there are many women who will happily do all these wife duties for a man and there are men who will cook whenever their woman visits. People are different and maybe you both should keep looking.

Your brother will continue to act the way he does because he knows there won’t be repercussions.

If you can’t get soldiers, get street thugs to do it, I’m sure you will be more relieved than sad if you hear of his death today, he’s a lost cause. The moment you show him that his actions carries big consequences he will begin to readjust.

Get him arrested and throw away the keys.

Your wife isn’t proud of your looks. If she’s a private person she would post you from time to time as it is of importance to you.

You can either accept it, work on your looks and dress sense or you tell her this is a deal breaker and you are ready to leave the marriage because of this.

If she still insists on not posting after that then you have your answer, she doesn’t care about you. She thinks marrying you was a mistake and if she had options she would not have married you.

SultanOfPuna:
Boredom is a result of over Familiarity between to people.
When you live with someone for years you know each other too much, that every move can be predictable
So you take them for granted..
That spark and chemistry that was alive during dating period goes off when you both move in and start getting used to each other's antics and seeing her true nature unfold..

No boredom is a state of mind that the bored person allowed. You can’t possibly cherish something/someone the same way you did when you first acquired them.

Boredom is a choice, again even dating people get bored with time, the excitement of dating tends to wear off after the first few months, it’s up to the couples to find ways to spice things up.

If you need to stay apart from your wife to not be bored, even that will get boring at some point. You will then reduce seeing her every 3days to once a week, then twice a month, to 4 times a year to never again.

If you don’t want to live with a woman it’s better not to get married.

SultanOfPuna:
3. What do people do after they fight?
They separate for a while to calm down and reflect on their issues.
Their absence will make you miss them more and have more time to reflect and want to forgive them, because you miss their company. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
When you live together after a fight, you don't get to separate to calm down. You are stuck with that same person and the memory of the fight still lingers and anything they do becomes more annoying. That's why husbands go out with boys to calm down after heated argument. When they come back they face the same wife who then starts arguing why he came back late and thus another fight starts..

1. You know there are types of cheaters, there are chronic cheats and opportunity cheats. Most people fall under the opportunity cheat spectrum, they will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. Staying apart brings a lot of opportunity to cheat. If you are married or you have lived with a girl you will know it is quite difficult to cheat without privacy. Someone living with their partner is easier to catch cheating than someone who is not.

2. Absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, sometimes absence makes people forget you. While absence is good for sex life it isn’t good for love life. Even siblings who grew up in different houses are not as tight knit as the ones who lived together. Inseparability is one very essential aspect of love. Most couples before divorce are required to be separated for one year, so by your theory they should not proceed with the divorce because living separately will help them miss each other?

3.Most relationship coaches will tell you not to allow your fights go beyond one day, the reason is when you fight as a couple over a small issue the mind/brain tend to magnify the issue. The longer you stay fighting the more time you have to draw baseless conclusions and link lot of other events that had nothing to do with the initial fight.

If living apart was the solution to a breakup then relationships would not break up as often as they do. Some people dated up to 10 girls in the past but are still in their first marriage, living together with no need to divorce.

There are no boring or unhappy marriages. There are boring or unhappy people. The solution for a happy marriage is to be happy and marry someone who’s happy. By happy I mean internal joy, being happy with yourself and the state of your life.

Disadvantages being that;

1. It becomes easy for her to cheat
2. She learns to live without you
3. Fights that will usually last a few hours will last longer.

The reason why people feel bored in marriages is because they don’t want to accept their reality. People cheat while dating too, there are more breakups than divorces.

If you want to live apart from your partner, don’t marry. Just have a baby mama and enjoy your privacy and personal space.

You acted in your own selfish interest. Why did you decide to move in together in the first place? You feel caged only because you are trying to escape.

Just know that with the space you crave also comes a higher possibility of her cheating and maybe connecting with her real husband.

The only reason living with your partner will get boring is if you are looking for ‘interesting’ in other people. Otherwise I don’t see how living with someone you love make you stop doing interesting things.

True

This is what will happen to most of the Nairaland boys forming red pill.

If you want to understand women, first understand yourself. The exact way you want to be treated, treat your woman like that and vice versa. Everybody wants the same thing ultimately which is peace of mind.

She’s playing both of you, both of you play her in return. Let your friend know and all three of you can be enjoying.