bukatyne:


You are not wrong.

Although Churches are rising up now to talk to the men.

We will get there (hopefully)

Hopefully we will. Personally I think misogyny and the "African mentality" has influence on the perception and outlook of these preachers which can subsequently influence their interpretation of scriptures which they turn to doctrines and sermons.

baralatie:

Is there an isue with being a wife

lol , Not in anywhere did I project that,infact in my opinion being "wife " to a sensible man is the most beautiful experience to have in the course of relationship and interaction as humans going through life but I see you want to stir the waters.


Let me expansiate. There is nothing wrong in being a wife, so also there isn't supposed to be anything wrong in grooming a young boy to be a husband. Most men today never had the one one talk on responsibilities and emotional maturity as husband save for few who were fortunate to attend serminars.

Most only grew up to terrible examples of the male figures they had in their environment,most were left to find and navigate their way in the course of relationship with the opposite gender as per say "na man". It will take the grace of God for a so called virtuous woman to live happily with a badly raised man.

A virtuous woman keeps her home ,but with a badly raised man chipping at the foundation ,that home is bound to crumble.

Prenonjebose:

You are right. Anyone who commands submission is hardly able to love. The perennial challenge is that of persons who have deliberately abused or erroneously misunderstood the vital balance between partners. We have cases of demi god husbands who would oppress their spouses in the name of respect, while some wives have taken advantage of this love to disrespect their men. Marriage is for two reasonable adults

That's why I fault the sermon of these preachers. The balance seems to be lacking in their sermon. I think it stems from the Society grooming the girl child to be " wife" and that mentality has subconsciously been passed to the perception of the so called preachers who mix it with their teachings and dish it out as sermons.

Prenonjebose:

It goes both ways. The Bible has spelt out the roles both partners have to play to keep the marriage. In an instance, it says husband love your wife, in another place, it says a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel.

I see , interesting.

One might have to argue if a person who commands submission is capable of love. . You as a person has to be in a place in your soul and being to be able to give love. The version of submission Nigerian men want is the "yes my Lord ", I fear such a person who feel like a demi god is not in the head space to love another.

Certain things don't need to be hammered on , it's the law of natural order. The so called revolt or rebellion as some people prefer to call it from women these days didn't just start over night. If you constantly feel the need to get respect and fear ,be obeyed or followed without acknowledging that you as a human can make mistakes ,can be wrong ,then I don't think that person is in a place to give love.

If we all do our part, the storms of marriage will be easy to navigate. But my own is religious leaders and even society are too focused on women,it's like there is a need to constantly keep women in check while the men get a pass.

dominique:
If only these pastors can preach love and mutual respect between both couples with the same energy and vigour they're using to preach submission, maybe there won't be so much crises going on in most marriages. It takes two to make a marriage work not just submission from the wife.

Maybe it's just me,I but feel these religious leaders have subconsciously passed the responsibility of keeping a marriage together on women.

They keep hammering on submission, virtuous woman ,infact if there is a crisis in a marriage it's usually the woman who has to fast and pray. . I might be wrong ,but it's just my observation.

splendyuniQ:
Depression is the worst thing that can happen to any human being. The young man was a melancholic in temperament. People in this group are highly emotional. People who never suffer depression can never understand... RIP man

Some set of people are more susceptible to depression than others. I wonder if it's predestined or a chemical reaction or diet or something.


Personally I don't blame the lady, if marriage is the end goal a five years relationship with no head way in sight should be ended . Women don't have the luxury of time like men.


Back to the depression, people need to know more about trauma releasing excercises and ways to get out of dark places in their head. Getting rid of that overwhelming feeling is possible.

CSTRR:
It's the common thing now.

At work, two different male colleagues of mine are banging other people's wives.

The husbands of those women are both abroad too.

This jakpa culture and the effect it is taking on society is not talked about. If not for technology of video calling some children might not see what their fathers look like till they grow old as daddy is stuck in a foreign land "hustling". Some are even married for papers sometimes with the consent of the wife back home just to escape economic hardship. Some women with husband's abroad only have sex just for procreation,he comes home every two years to get her pregnant and that's it.

Whiteshield:


Because people in love are usually stupid. If the husband finds out, if he's the type with a weak character and the lady manipulates him, he will reconcile with the cheating wife and both of them will see the person who told him as an enemy of their marriage.

That is why i have a personal policy of not interfering in cases of domestic abuse. Women will always go back to their abusers and download whatever advice you gave to her.

Still doesn't change the fact that the person is coward. Get evidence , present it with your full chest , heaven nor go fall.

But,let me just ask o. How come people don't easily get triggered and say "I must tell am" if it's a man doing the cheating especially in this part of the world. It's seems there is a subconscious pass on that issue.

Whiteshield:


Buy a new sim card and tell him anonymously via sms.
You can send proof to him anonymously.

why are people such cowards though. Why does he have to hide and tell?

Why ,just why? You want to report ,then come with your full chest. Only cowards throw stones and hide their hands. If he is sure ,let him tell his brother and stand by what he said .

TheGoodJoe:


I wonder why some of you are giving antagonistic vibes. Are you saying if your partner develops fondness with a person you and your best friend do not know, and your best friend sights him with this person multiple times, you will not want your best friend to tell you?

Definitely you do. So what is the problem?

Husband and wife matter ,na sense dem dey use. He who has ears let them hear.

Anyway let me not stand in the way of "doing the right thing". The op needs to tell him, infact she should send him the picture and narrate everything to him.She should also advise him to fix whatever is wrong in his marriage. As a good friend she should sit the couple down and councel them. That's what friends are for.

TheGoodJoe:


One in a while means a long time, and not regularly. She said she does not visit regularly.

Her friends wife is hanging out with another man regularly and she feels it is inappropriate and concerned.

That is what a good friend is suppose to do. Protect each other.

Buddy-buddy means hanging out regularly together.

No p. Let her tell her friend directly and narrate to him how she dodged them and took a picture and all to him as a good friend . I sure hope we get an update of " how the thing go" from the op.

TheGoodJoe:


But we live in the same district, I do visit them once in a while!

---

Not regularly. She checks on them, not buddy-buddy.

Do you visit your male friend's everyday ? So I don't get the buddy buddy you are talking about?

Islandlady:
Hmm I don't just visit them anyhow, I do get invitations from him and his wife! For the fact that he is married made me to restrain myself from hanging out with him, having fun or going places with him...I respect his marriage and privacy! Everyone knows me and him even his family members...I did not say his wife should not keep her own friends too, but something is just not right about them

Well ok, do what your gut tells you.

TheGoodJoe:


I did not get where she says she still does buddy-buddy with her friend. I pointed out that she respects marriage from her discussion. So, I doubt she goes about disrespecting her friend's wife.

By the way, the wife knows her, and I do not think the wife is uncomfortable with the friendship. Being that she believes she knows the boundaries.

In this case, the OP is concerned because she feels the friendship is inappropriate and her friend does not know about it. Let her tell her friend, so he can meet the wife and know what is going on.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against what ever decision the op takes for the sake of the friendship. I am just trying to open a tunnel vision here.


I think you should go back and read the ops opening post again.


The fact that the woman is not uncomfortable does not give her the right to think only she has the discipline to be friends with a married man without bedding them. Personally I hope her suspicion turns out wrong so women like this will come down from their high horse of "pick me".

Islandlady:
okay well not all friendship between a man and a woman must end in bed!!! I have been friends with him for long and even supported him, so do he!!! I am just concerned about him... especially the way all this Abuja desperate women boyfriend ends up killing their husbands!!! And I think @TheGoodjoe understand this whole thing perfectly! Thanks

So you feel you are the only one who still visits your married friend without any motive?

What makes you think you get a pass and another woman doesn't? That's my question. I am guessing you are not married ,yet you still visit your married male friend in his house who knows sometimes you meet up in the absence of his wife too , correct? So what gives you a pass and not someone else though?

TheGoodJoe:


First off, I guess they were close friends before marriage. I never saw her say they are still close buddies now he is married. He is still someone important to her. I believe she knows that and respects his marriage.

Her feelings are not the context of the discussion. From her post, you can see that she believes in respect of marriage.

Now to the point of discussion. She is not talking about it once. That is what you people are missing. She said she has seen this woman too close to a man and she sees them around spots. Seeing them in the mall multiple times together.

This is a red flag to her, and to me, it definitely is. Such closeness for a married woman is uncalled for. One of the best ways to beat temptation is to avoid it.

Now, she does not know who the guy is and is uncomfortable with the relationship. To show how provocative she found it, she even took a picture of them together.

Come on, that is a cause of concern for her to really feel uncomfortable about it.

My stance is that I will never want my wife that close to a man. She definitely won't. My advice is to tell the husband and let him sort it out with the wife. Also, show him the picture.

The op said she still visits them regularly because they stay in the same district,hence the reason for my comment.

TheGoodJoe:
I did not see her saying the woman cheated. She found the woman's closeness with a male companion inappropriate. it is something I will definitely frown on. So, as a friend, she is concerned about such closessness.

That is all she is saying. If the wife is cheating, she does not know. If it is a kind of relationship the husband will not like, he needs to know and get his wife to stop it and respect their marriage.

I am tempted to ask how her friendship with the said husband is. She seems uneasy with married woman being seen in public with a man yet she is friends with the said woman's husband. Why does she get a pass to befriend someone's husband to the extent of going to their house all the time though?

Who knows if we even go into the history of this said friendship we might find feeling,lust or even intimacy in the cupboard. And that alone is enough to question the op's motive . A mall is too much of a public place to been seen with someone who you want to cheat with ,but hey that's just me.

ravensckar:
Mine was on the contrary. Na my papa scatter the free kpekus wey I don arrange for long.

There's this lady whose mum attend our prayer gathering (Asalatu). Initially, it was only the mum alone that used to attend. I sha noticed that the mum likes me so much, she'll be smiling while talking to me. Asking me about school, studies and life after school. Long story cut short, she brought her daughter (tall, fair, beautiful & well endowed) to the group and specifically introduced us.

We became so close that I started getting the son in-law vibe from the mum. The mum now jokingly told my dad that she'd be expecting him to pay her a visit soon so as to formalize the union. Na there kasala take burst. My dad told her that it will be better for her if her daughter is unmarried than to betroth her to me. That she probably don't know my nickname 'Shevchenko'. I no dey miss one on one. And that by the time I destroyed her daughter's womb, las las, I no go still marry her. The woman was beyond shocked.

As if that was not enough, my dad made a public sermon also talking about how humans can never be perfect. He said for example, as intelligent and well-behaved as I am, I no dey use eye see women (especially a fair & beautiful one). The man burn my cable publicly. Na so the relationship crashed before it even began. It took me a while to forgive him for that action because I been don program that chick for long term chopping. Aside that, every other lady in that our group started avoiding me like plague. It was even rumoured that if they smile at me, they will be hooked.


Fast forward to 5 years ago when I introduced my then fiancé to him. This man started again. He asked her if she truly knows what she's getting into. That I just look responsible for face but I no dey use eye see anything under skirt. After asking her which university she graduated from, my dad told her he was sure that I'd have other girlfriends in that same institution. Fear catch my fiancé. But luckily, I had told her everything about my past and how I've repented. Na there that relationship too for hit rock.


Some years later, I asked him why he was deliberately sabotaging me. He said he wants the ladies to know what they are getting into. Since him self born female pikin, he wouldn't open his eyes and let me destroy someone daughter's future.

So, those of una wey una parents dey try arrange for una, you people are very lucky. Me, after I don suffer arrange chick for myself, na my papa go scatter everything.

I like your father already. He sounds genuine and pure in heart.

gonkin:

Nope. Its stuff from all over the place thats in my gallery

Alright.

gonkin:


yeah,i wished I did though. I see some funny photos online and I save what I find interesting. Its been there for over a year.

Good one though I like your observation .

Your gallery must be all over the place.Interesting.

gonkin:


I hope it's sacasm

how did you get the picture ? Had it in your gallery waiting for the right moment?

Triangles1:
Even if the place has been defiled already as you get caught you're responsible for all the offender's.

Does secondary school girls are something else forget about their naive busybody and save your self from embarrassment.

Teenagers who need proper guidance not to be preyed on.

I personally keep ex's at bay, not because I hate them but for proper boundaries.If I see you outside we exchange pleasantries ,if you message me ,I respond formally. Na there e end.



Boundaries
Boundaries
Boundaries

When will some people learn it? I wonder what they talk about, your marriage ,his marriage. .

Also I feel your wife settled,she feels her ex is better than you especially the financial aspect and her long throat and lack of contentment may push her to put your marriage in danger.

gonkin:


I was a nerd that didn't experience sex till I was 23. So I never did such. But from what I hear, it's thinner than the actual condom. And unbreakable if you cant hold the nylon with your hand use a rubber band. Been that secondary school always involved quickies. Unless students stole a condom from uncles and big brothers no chemist or pharmacy sells such to underage. So back then it was trending. I just never experienced it cuz I was too shy. Ended up jerking up sergeant sausage through my youth till I got my first doughnut at 23.

Sausage and doughnuts. Lol

so you went to buy donut and sausage just for this comment?

Originalsly:


Obvious..... she either endure and live with the monster she created.... or move out.

K.

DKM123:
I just made a comment on another thread about how parents should make very deliberate and conscious efforts in raising the boychild because the CONSEQUENCES of a badly raised boychild has far more extreme and devasting effects than a badly raised girlchild.

The poorly raised boychild will sell all your properties, steal your belongings, bring police case to your door step, join cultism, beat you to stupor and even kill you if care is not taken. Yet, Nigerian parents still think all the focus of having good morals and good character should be on the girlchild so that she can go to her husband's house while they leave the boy to run wild with a terrible and wicked character.

How can a child kill two people just because he wanted to have sex? How? There is hardly a day that goes by that a Nigerian male isn't killing a Nigerian female. What are parents doing wrong in the way they are raising thier male children? This are vital questions cos the rate of fraud and killings by young boys is getting very rampant.

gbam.

Streetmovement:
When the presence of a father is missed in a home the children are bound to behave out of context especially for the younger ones who don't have any experience in life.

Madam those two niggas are just exploring their youthful freedom and they seem to be taking it to another height

Only two ways you can make this right

* The presence of a man to fix them wayward attitude

* Let them go elsewhere and live their life's and get a brain resetting experience on em streets because surely wetin Dem dey find Dem go see am for outside. It will either break them or make them.

Trying to make them see reasons with you now that their blood is still hot will be a lost battle before it even begins.

If they feel too big under your roof to adhere to your instructions they should go get theirs and live as they please but believe me time will come when they will look for you just to live right again.

When I dey my papa house, I dey hide dey do most of this things and most times I no dey even try am not because I couldn't but I respect my parents alot even though we had our ups and downs at the time but that one no mean say I go loseguard for wey dem dey.

At a very young age, na when I pack my bags enter street na when I come dey appreciate my parents the more even more than I use too.

You see those young bloods they will learn just give it time

Ok now will everyone stop with the bolded please .It's nauseating.


My cousin who I have not seen for years ,we went for a family reunion early this year ,he pierced his both ears ,has a tattoo all this right under his father's roof. I jokingly told my aunt that God should bring money so her son can buy diamond earrings and remove the one he has on.


Who wan rotten go rotten ,good upbringing or not, presence of a father or not. You can only do much when they are still Young ,it will come to a stage ,you only have to hope the upbringing sticks and doesn't get corroded by influence of environment and internet.

Originalsly:


Is it a after of choose one or other? ... put food on the table or train your child? Did it occur to you that most parents are struggling to raise their children?... most unable to provide their basic needs? ... but most do a pretty good job at raising their kids? Indiscipline doesn't come out of the blue at 17 or 19. Kids raise right be looking out for their parents at 17 .... spoiled kids either continue to look up for breast milk.... or look down on their parents. She failed as a mother.

In all this I have not seen you give a solution.

Originalsly:
I wonder of some people read before advising. One guy left ... said he is not returning home. How is she going to take him to the village?... or get someone to talk to him? They are 19 and 17 year olds... if they don't have respect for their mother then respect can only come by force. Who is going to do that?.. which family member or pastor? Their father passed since they were 9 and 7..... clearly she did not train nor discipline them. It is too late now... training time has passed ... bend the tree when it is young.... now here she is complaining that the old tree is not bending . Parents should take note... this is nothing new.

Did it occur to you that she might have been struggling to put food on the table for these boys to have time to raise them?


Even for a house with both parents,it's hard than for one person who probably goes out to look for money and come back at night.

Seeing their mother struggle and shut out every other aspects of her life to provide for them should be enough to make them coordinate themselves and not cause her pain.


People have grown up in the streets and used it as a motivation to live better lives. She could have easily given them out to relatives and go about her life.

In the end good upbringing or not , people choose what they let themselves get influenced by.

Its too late to try and correct them, how you want take straighten smoked fish?



Personally, I think everyone has their life to live , good up bringing or not, as a widow who has sacrificed all she can to bring them up, if they can't have that compassion for you and use it as a motivation not to cause you stress ,then they are not worth being called sons.People have grown up in terrible situations and still turned out fine.


Since a 19 year old is man enough to have a girlfriend and a 17 year old is independent enough to go anywhere and come home at will. Madam it's time to leave them to fend for themselves.

Find your square root now while you still have time.Go and be on your own. If you die today won't these children survive?


Even if their father were alive ,they would have turned out bad ,if they wanted to ,that I can assure you of. Parenting has become so tasking these days especially with the internet and this yahoo yahoo virus spreading everywhere. I feel for people with teenage kids. The other day I heard kids ,the eldest should be 14 talking about client and bombing.




So madam , don't go and die because dem fit nor even do yearly remembrance for you sef.

Having such a man near kids can be very dangerous especially little girls.

julie90


There is no love in a place that mourns your growth


Know this and know peace.