₦airaland Forum

@OP - I did a thread on red flags for single mothers. Read this.

https://www.nairaland.com/5144553/men-marriage-how-pick-wife

You have to dissociate yourself from this woman. Pay your child support, try to get visitation rights to see your daughter. Do not have sex with her anymore or bred more kids with her. Focus on your life and get your priorities straighter. She is a USER and when she has no more use for you, she will discard you like she did her other baby daddies.

Be guided.

LewsTherin:
Do you know her view about finances?
Does she know your views about finances?
Are you both getting married without knowing what and how you both handle finances?
Have you both discussed it at any time?

As one half of a married couple, would your resources be capable of taking care of your new family and still afford to send 50k to your parents? What of when the children come?

Do you know what she currenly does for her parents?
Have you both discussed it?
Do you have the interest of her parents in consideration?
Does she have yours?

Great advice. OP, do have this discussion with your fiance so both of you can come to a good conclusion.

Praia:
I'm pretty sure he has been slapping her from when they were in Nigeria and he kept doing it because no one held him responsible for his actions. I don't feel sorry for him.

It is not your marriage. Don't express an opinion. Marriage is sacred and I stay clear of expressing opinions on people's marriage except when called. You want to know why? I don't think you would be comfortable with people who know nothing about you or your marriage express an opinion on it regardless of the circumstances.

Respect other people's marriages.

Praia:
Clearly, you think it's okay to speak to someone in such a manner but it is not. You can pass your point without having to resort to abuses - it detracts from the value of your argument and makes you appear uncouth.

Anyway, anyone who thinks it's okay to abuse their spouse needs to have the police called on them. The abuser knows their actions inflict pains on their spouse and is not allowed by law, yet they continue because they count on the silent suffering of their spouse.

It is the duty of the abuser to seek counselling, not the abused who already has to put with so much.

Oh - I was right on the money to insult him. I also think I was lenient because his advice is DANGEROUS. I would like to ask if you have ever gone for counseling (not church counseling). I mean proper therapy. First, you will understand that you continue to understand and learn more about your partner in a marriage. Therapy and counseling are very important for marriages where partners cannot resolve their issues themselves because a trained independent observer can tell them their faults and how they can resolve them.

Darling trust me - you don't want to get the Police involved. If you feel your marital issues are escalating, please seek counseling and where it doesn't work, seek separation and if separation doesn't fix it, then seek annulment of the marriage. Counseling is great because the TRIGGERS would be identified and whoever is responsible would understand these triggers. Also, some people cannot manage stress properly. Hence, those stress indicators would also be identified.

This is my advice on this - It is up to you. I know Nigerian families regretting bitterly. Many are ignorant about the process, the length of the process, the financial implications, the emotional stress, the justice system and wished they had simply resolved their problems themselves or even gone for counseling. However, at this point - it is out of the hands of the Police and the Crown was take its position. Some victims have written lengthy and continuous letters to Victims Office to discontinue the case and made numerous calls to the Crown. You do not want to be in that position.

If the advice was not a dangerous one, I won't say a word.

Marriages are crashing because a lot of people do not understand the true objective of marriage. Ask anybody around why they want to get married, they would say LOVE or COMPANIONSHIP. Some might even express SEX as a reason.

These were not the reasons our ancestors married and also stayed married.

Limitless72:
Yes boss....very laughable
Anyways let Boys be boys and men be men..
keep speaking bro I'm learning

I have a question though. Thank God you married
what would you say of a marriage whereby the woman is older with 1 or 2 years..would you advise a guy to tie the knot with a woman a little bit older than him?

Remember Love isn't enough is marital concerned decisions...

My sincere apologies for not responding to this question. I guess its over a year old - wow. Let's get straight into it.

I will not advise a man to marry a woman who is older than him. There is something called "SEXUAL MARKET VALUE - SMV". A woman who is your age mate is actually not your mate in the sexual market. An ideal age bracket should be between 7 - 10 years and the ideal age for a man to marry is 35 years. At this age, the man should be able to sort out himself financially and be capable of accommodating and be responsible for another individual and this also includes kids.

A woman who agrees to marry a man who is younger has hit the wall and no longer attractive to successful older men. I am not saying women don't marry younger men, but normally women prefer men who are older and because these men have figured themselves and have their shit together. There may be concerns about RESPECT and the ability of the woman to follow the lead of her husband. The only time I may advise a man to marry an older woman is when such a man is doing extremely well (financially).

However, high-valued men who have enormous financial resources do not go after older women except she is a woman of means or an opportunity to further increase their wealth. These men have more access to exotic younger women and typically go after them.

[quote author=NaijaCanadian28 post=91652973][/quote]

A friend of a friend slapped his wife during an argument and his wife called the cops on him. Unknown to him, the cops already entered his information on the database. He recently decided to apply for a job on Ubereats and since they carry out background check, he was told he can’t get the job. After trying to find out what happened, he found out he failed the criminal check because of what happened with his wife. I doubt he would be able to get a good job in a long time. They just landed and have not really settled. I hope people who are abusive will learn from this.

I hope this friend of yours has a lawyer now because he would have been charged to court. He should get a criminal lawyer. He will not be able to get a job or even travel to the United States because of the charge until he clears himself. Unfortunately, courts are not in session due to COVID-19 which further increases the stress.

I feel sad for this newly immigrated family because of the financial burden they would experience. However, he needs a very good lawyer who can devise a strategy to resolve this without any conviction so he can function properly in society. Please inform him this is not the time to hold any animosity towards the wife and the wife should not feel justified in calling the Police. They have both made a mess and need to be on the same team to get the situation resolved. After all, they got themselves into it in the first place.

Couples should seek alternative means to de-escalate issues. Screaming or shouting at each other is also abuse and when threats are involved it can be considered to be assault especially when the victim claims to be afraid. Also, neighbors are listening and may call the Police and when kids are involved, the Police will involve Child Protection Service who would interview both parties and the kids to consider if the home is safe for them and based on the response of the kids, they may be separated from the family too and placed in foster care.

Nobody wins in this, only the Government and their officials - who may get a promotion on your head/matter.

My opinion on this is to incorporate the EFCC into the Financial Intelligence Crime Division of the Nigerian Police. Promote a senior office known for high integrity to the head the commission as well as have an Inspector General of Police who is known for integrity with no skeleton. It is disrespectful for a commission to report directly to the Presidency.

GboyegaD:
Thought we marry our partners "for better, for worse". She should stick in and if she can't hold it no more, she should dissolve the marriage by divorce.

She is thinking of cheating already. Na wa o

illicit:
I wish justice can be tempered with mercy for her because she will have enough time to regret if sent to jail.

Sometimes vexation causes more complications

Mercy you say. When she get to court, she will understand her action. Her action was premeditated. She induced the husband to sleep and chopped off his penis. This is more than anger.

Uyi168:
Women' and their cheap blackmails..

Unfortunately, the world has given them a pass to be stupid. They always give themselves excuses for their silly ways. Always irrational and immature.

Now that boy is in foster care. All he wanted was his passport to apply for college and because there is tension between mother and son, the mother refuses to honor his request. She wants to shout at him or beat him like she always does when he was a child. Abusive mother. Rather than repairing the damage relationship, she is seeking validation by posting the incident on social media.

Stupid women everywhere and their victimhood behavior.

Obviously I knew the young man was reacting to issues. It's a shame the relationship, love and trust between mother and son has broken down. It is possible the father is no longer in the house.

In my own opinion, I like his reaction. He did not fight the mom which could have result to his arrest. He channeled his anger and frustration towards breaking stuff. While this behavior may not be ideal, it is much better than engaging in aggravated assault or causing bodily harm.

Who would I really blame here - I will blame the mother's reaction. Her inability to manage her son. Women want to yell and scream or react emotionally. That boy has been abused physically and emotionally. He even said so. Women need to be careful doing the teenage life of a boy and extra careful when you are raising your kids outside Nigeria.

Women should also control their emotions and victimhood behavior. Understand that men and women are physically and emotionally different. It is a shame the entire world would paint that young man differently and not understand the intolerable abusive situation he had to condone from his mother and as usual she would get a pass and not change.

Finally, stop chasing the father of your kids. A woman cannot raise a man. It had to take another man to talk to the young boy.

Unnerve:
So if really it is this bad for women after a divorce, why then are 80% of divorces filed by wives at the detriment of their standard of living?

Women act basically out of emotions and possibly do not understand the aftermath. I will encourage you to listen to Kevin Samuels on YouTube. You can watch all his shows and probably get more insight into this situation. Why I recommend his show is because many women call in with unrealistic desires regardless of their status and he gives them the real TRUTH or assessment.

@OP ignore this new breed of marriage counselors that know nothing about marriage but keep repeating talking points created by Hollywood, American Advert Companies, and Fantasy writers.

These people have sold a deception and got a lot of people confused about marriage.

Marriage has nothing to do with love.

PaChukwudi44:
It is beginning to look that Seyitan is the one to prepare for any defence

It's intimidation tactics to bring her to the negotiating table. A judge might not even review the case.

Intimidation. She should countersued Dbanj for N2.5billion for emotion stress and public humiliation. During disposition, Dbanj go talk whether he rape am or not and if he lies that's another crime - perjury that would be added to the criminal case.

Kingspin:
There is more to black lives matter protest. Yes. The way they went about it. During the protest imagine the media CNN and co went silent about-face and social distance only to resurface now the protest went down. Fellow the news well.

Again how can somebody call for police defunding, who does that?

Perhaps, Trump understands something that many don't see.

He keeps talking about the church.

Do you also know the democrats wanna keep promoting gay rights, transgender and all that but silent the church?

Believe I don't believe in all that until I began to watch closely. You can do that your self.

Trump is up for something. Watch

Clearly, there is more to this. The multiple protests and riots organised and conducted within a short period of time is unimaginery. Even the hijack of Downtown Seattle seems strange and the Mayor is not doing anything about it.

Everyone needs to be concerned about this because America domestics issues also shape the world. For example, the BLM protest spiral off to Canada and United Kingdom. This is disturbing.

First, I want to say I'm not a member of Christ Embassy. Infact I can't stand pastors because of their greed and shady behaviors, and I don't attend churches.

Pastor Chris theories maybe farfetched, but not totally outlandish. Currently, technology companies are keeping a ton load of data which can be access by any Government - from your emails, phone logs, social media accounts etc.

Also, the theory of a Digital ID imprinted into humans should not be dismissed as a conspiracy. There is the insatiable desire by the US government to monitor people. This form of monitoring is currently ongoing with the disguise of preventing and catching terrorists.

Once it comes to monitoring and control, don't rule out or underestimate the extent at which the US government will go to get it done. Hence, I am not dismissing Pastor Chris theories. Oh and I think he is right about Black Lives Matter. BLM is truly not about race equality, it is a machinery to push propaganda.

coputa:
If you put money first before you get married,you will be the oldest bachelor in town.marriage is all about co operation between the man and his wife.sometimes,after marriage,the door of financial prosperity opens.

What is wrong with being old and getting your finances in order before you get married? A man can still procreate even at old age. What is the rush in getting married only to subject your wife and kids into poverty and why should it take your entire lifetime to get your SHIT together?

You need to change your mentality.

Ybaby:
It is OUR world!

In marriage the man is the head of the home. In the society, it is OUR world.

Man will work for pay and if woman has money - man will work for woman to get the pay.

Men may be warming up but the women are warmed. The best will get now is equality because if care is not taking she wants him under her like he kept her under him for so long.

Look around you, women are bolder and grouping together more than ever.

It is not gender war - it is the observation. I want equality but men may not get even that.

I don't get into an argument with women and this will be my last take on this. This is not a who's right situation like many women like you typically engage in because it is filled with PURE IGNORANCE.

Please don't get it twisted. It's still a man's world. While we appreciate and recognize the significant role women play, men still dictate largely what goes on and contribute immensely towards our civilization. I will encourage you to study history properly so you understand where your place truly lies and enlighten your IGNORANT SELF. The reason why men or would I say Capitalists allowed women to join the workforce was because of World War II and the unavailability of employable men to join the workforce due to the war. It wasn't an Utopia and that right and the other rights such as the right to vote was handed down to women. Women didn't fight for it - IT WAS GIVEN as a result of the greed and selfish purpose of a few male elites.

What has gotten into your head to think you are EQUAL to a man. Can you say this in the MIDDLE EAST and have your complete set of teeth still intact? Do you think you are physically equal to man? Or have contributed or still contribute towards civilization. Take out government and the police, do you think you can stop a man to take what he wants from you? Have you ever had to think that in the event of a chaos ONLY the strongest survive and weaklings would align cooperatively, either at their own will or not. Have you ever experienced a war situation and ask the women in distress if they think they are EQUAL to men. Don't even look further. I have Syrian friends, Iraq and even Iran who have witnessed chaos - go and ask the women in Maiduiguri or those held captive by Boko Haram whether they think they are EQUAL to a man. What is wrong with you and your mind?

Because there is relative peace in Nigeria, you come on Nairaland to display ignorance and immaturity. You owe it to the men who maintain order in society. What nonsense. It is this behavior that make women begin to get drunk on their stupidity and unable to recognize their ROLE and DUTY in society.

Are you drunk or high on detergent? If men are not careful women will put them under. You must truly underestimate men which is a shame even with the current situation on going in the North. Don't wish for such circumstances and be grateful for what you have. I also hope this is the only forum you get to display this childish behavior. Finally, please conduct more research and stop be ignorant. YOU ARE NOT EQUAL TO A MAN AND YOU WILL NEVER BE. Be grateful, fight for your rights with sense and apply wisdom.

Ybaby:
It was a man's world for many centuries biko let others to have the world for a few centuries- the clocks will turn again but not now

Sorry honey, it's still a man's world. Men are only adjusting to make it comfortable for women. Women are yet to reach the intolerable threshold before men call them out on their bullshit. The #Metoo movement is getting men warmed up. I can confidently tell you this. Other societies are steadily observing the decline of the western world and will not copy the template.

Women should exercise their rights, but don't push it further. If you want to make men out as the enemy, please remember the civilization and comfort you currently enjoy were provided by men.

anslem04:
LOLH !! if you rich pass me you no fit poor pass me, as long as i don't lose on both sides, alhamdulillah ! as for the CV i will redirect my younger ones in the area to your DM, incase you see load of messages don't flatter yourself ...

Stop arguing with women, you will lose. You only win an argument over a woman by showing her your achievements.

Romangalactic:
DNA test illegal? These people want to completely strip American men of all rights o.

Well you're right still, PRENUP and DNA are damn important. Too many female hustlers looking to climb on the backs of men out here mehn

Unfortunately, men in the western world don't have rights anymore. Attention is paid more in the follow category

Men's rights < women's rights < LGBTQ rights < Animal rights < Children & vulnerable people's rights.

As you can see animals have more rights than men and men do not really have a say, but do all the biddings for other advocacy groups. As a result, a lot of western men are not considering marriage. Many are going their own way (MGTOW). This is what feminists caused. That's why I laugh at many African women claiming to be feminists. These women have more rights and are still screaming for more because they don't know what to do with the rights they already have.

The LGBTQ movement is getting more attention than the feminist advocacy group and these feminists don't like it. Anyways, feminists have destroyed traditional values and responsible for the breakdown of the family structure. Hence, I laugh again at African women claiming to be feminists. They clearly do not know what they are doing. There are some feminist group in America calling for the death of men just because they are men.

Young men who are unmarried, one of the first conversation to ask your date should include if she is a feminist. If she says yes, whether she understands what it means or not - abeg waka peacefully.

Efe94:
I wonder how Indians would react to this...

Laughs - actually women pay the dowry to men in India

coputa:
When a man sees a woman he likes,he proposes to her,engages her and then marry her.But some men have the desire but the fund is not there,this has lead to some women with financial strenght to foot the bill of the marriage. This does not last long,as the woman always bring the issue up at the slightest opportunity,unless of course the man pays up,he will remain in bondage.

If you do not have the financial means to get married, DON'T GET MARRIED. This is how to continue and sustain POVERTY

vickydankal:
You have to understand that sexual satisfaction comes from many factors other than sex. But I will center on sex but in all money is a requirement to:
1. Stay in shape
2. Eat healthy
3. Maintain smell (deodorants)
4. To go to the gym
5. Room environment
6. Good cream
The reason for the above is because sexual satisfaction for a married woman is philosophical and emotional. When the above is met we can start talking about changing styles, weekend gateway, reassurance of your love for us and always telling us how beautiful we have remained to you etc the above don’t have to cost an arm, good planning and right timing is key . Ok a bit of my self.
After breakfast my husband and I will say wish good day to each other.
1 Hour he will call or sms to know how business is moving
Some afternoon he will send someone to get me lunch not up to 600 naira most times.
3pm his sms will come telling that an ugly girl just left his office but he had sanitize his eyes with my pics(yes I know he is lying)
Few minutes later he will tell me how he wants to devour me, tie my pant and shaft my womb.
By 4pm I’m coming home knowing that after the children has gone to bed we have unfinished business to settle. In the night it could take 2 -4 rounds to quench that fire and it could last us for maybe 2 days depending how busy our work are it could repeat the next day. Some other time we will send our children to grandma at WBHE and go to the next state for some good time. I’m married for 6 years though.
I’m speaking from a woman’s perspective so it is not a general rule.

I am happy that you and your husband have a good routine to keep your sex life exciting. Many readers here can gain some insight, but one's playbook may not work for another.

Ishilove:
The children's place is with their mother, which is why if no man wants to marry her with her kids, she should quietly stay on her own and raise them. They didn't ask to be born so now that they have been born, you are responsible for them until they can be independent.

I disagree with you on this. A child NEEDS both parents to function properly and because a woman gave birth to a child does not give her exclusive custody over the child. A marriage is between a man and a woman. It does not include children. When you add children, it is called a FAMILY and not a MARRIAGE. Consequently, a man MAY choose to marry a woman with children. He is not marrying the kids, but their mother. The man can also decide to have the woman RETURN the children to their biological FATHER if he is alive or to the FAMILY of their biological FATHER if he is dead.

If the woman disapproves of this decision it is completely up to the man to either COMPROMISE or find an alternative option. In my opinion, I STRONGLY persuade men not to marry SINGLE MOTHERS. There are PLENTY of unattached FISHES in the ocean. A high-valued man should never consider single mothers as the preferable option for a wife, only SIMPS do.

Romangalactic:
Lmao. Hopefully, sensible niggas will pay attention and not be getting carried away because one woman told him I LOVE YOU.

You didn't talk about compulsory DNA tests for children, also very important please

I think in some states or provinces in North America, it is illegal to conduct a DNA test immediately after birth. Though some Men Groups are advocating for this right. However, it still does not absolve men completely from paying child support, but in marriage, infidelity is a strong ground for filing for a divorce and gives the man a SLIGHT EDGE such as not paying for alimony, and if DNA test shows the children in the marriage are not his, there is the possibility he may walk free without paying child support. Well, that possibility is dependent on the caliber of his lawyer, his negotiating power during arbitration, or the nature of the Judge if arbitration is not successful.

Notwithstanding, if a man includes the DNA term in his PRENUP and if the woman agrees and signs to this term, a DNA test can be conducted. Both parties can include whatever they want in the PRENUP. Even the woman can insist some terms in the PRENUP should be removed and it is left for both parties to come to a common ground.