₦airaland Forum

pathneluti:
Finance geek reveals what she benefited from sacrificing her 20s.


Ayesha Selden @AyeshaSelden:



https://mobile.twitter.com/AyeshaSelden/status/1201171562654814211

Sounds sad.

There is more to life than buying anything you want.

Mindfulness:
I am afraid I have to disagree with you. Not all of Sigmund Freud's theories have stood the test of time, some of them must be understood in the context of the zeitgeist they were formulated, but his apparatus of the human psyche is still widely accepted and his observation that our childhood shapes our personality critically and our relationships with others have meanwhile been supported by neurological evidence (brain scans). Different therapeutic approaches have been developed and are still used on the basis of his observations.

What Bukatyne has described here (I didn't know it had a name, happy to have learned something new) is something that happens to some men. They are unable to have a sexual relationship with the mother of their children. The problem is that in the worst case it may never be resolved. And I don't see the husband trying. I don't think any woman would sign up for till death do us part had she known.

@bold:

Hahahaha!

The husbands had mistresses for that. The women themselves didn't even understand their own sexuality which was treated as evil.

That's why you still hear crazy stuff like 'women shouldn't initiate sex', 'women shouldn't be too expressive', 'start suspecting your woman if she suggests something new', 'be worried if your wife suggests sex in the kitchen out of the blues' etc. etc.

These are statements from posh men who you would think should be enlightened and open minded.

That is why some of them have 'saintly' sex with their wives (who was probably someone's wild babe in the past) and keep side chics for adventure.

How would the husbands try when they can't even discuss it?

I will send my bill for the knowledge. I need to pay LewsTherin.

yeyeosoronga:
So, we have assumed the initial OP has a cheating husband and we are we trying to say his cheating is due to psychological reasons?
Wetin Musa no go see for gate
While Sigmund 'Fraud' is well known controversially in his field of psychology and perhaps even seen as the father by some, majority of his assertations have been proven to be 'catastrophically' wrong. His works are not seen as credible enough to be used as a reliable source in the academic environment. His theories, methods, and conclusions have all been put into doubt. He was a known misogynist btw.
To have even considered a theory by Mr 'Fraud' shows you are really old school in your thoughts.
There's more advancement in the knowledge of the human brain and its psychology, and there is very little empirical evidence to back up majority of Freud's claims.

But I guess we can still discuss his works, for the sake of discussions and not as facts

Madam OP, you are old school.

The husband in the OP stopped sleeping with his wife the day she was confirmed pregnant and intends to carry on till she weans the baby.

There was no mention of adultery and I would assume they had a good sex life till she got pregnant since she did not complain.

I like to look at the message and not the messenger. Yes, Sigmund Freud was known to be a misogynist however, MWS is more common than we think.

I knew someone that sent his wife to US 5mths into her pregnancy till she weaned her baby. Of course, she had helps and was comfortable however, he said he didn't want to see her in that state.

I hear a number of people say their sex life suffered temporarily/permanently during that stage especially when the husband actually experienced his wife giving birth. As someone put it: Ikan ti mo n ponle ni won se basubasu. (they were just mishandling what I held in high esteem). He had to sike himself for months before doing. When polygamy was widespread, the husbands had other wives so the birthing one could 'recuperate'.

It could also be the old wives' tale of sperm and breast milk was formed to acknowledge men's reluctance to mate with their breastfeeding wives.

No matter the politically correct research done to deny MWS, it exists and the best is to handle it on a case by case basis.

@Old school myself: I kinda agree. I am a liberal conservative

LewsTherin:
Trade marked. Pay before use.

In cash or kind?

LewsTherin:
This is not likely to work. Deep seated psychosis (what's the plural? Psycosi? Psycosises?)

Deep seated psycosis(?) like this are usually very irrational. It takes a trained mind to help resolve them. Especially (as is very likely) when the person doesn't believe there is anything wrong. Do you expect the average Nigerian to agree he is mad? That is exactly how they look at it. They wouldn't think it is a psycosis, or a mental blockage, or some fancy American diagnosis. It's gonna be "are you saying I am a mental patient?"

Therapy with a shrink would have been the best. In the absence of that, speaking with an experienced pastor would be the best option. Most pastors in Nigeria double as shrinks these days anyway. Little wonder they are all getting crazy!

I actually had therapy as a solution in my opening post.

I agree with most Nigerians not wanting anything with psychologists.

Hahahaha @ pastors getting crazy.

I think most of the older generation churches had pastors who are not open minded and just give generic advices they would not follow.

Most of them were (are) not qualified to counsel others.

nlPoster:
I don't understand this phrase, are you referring to marital copulation or something else?

On another thread, you also said you and your husband used to "fccuk yourselves" back in the day, while you were dating.

Now, my question is, is anything wrong with simply saying "had sex" or "sexual intercourse" or you know, other regular expressions generally used to define sexual activity. I'm actually not sure if you're married or not, I just find your choice of words curious.

I wanted to say something before you bring other words like screwing, shagging, bonking, fornicating , etc. Rather unusual.


Here's your post I mentioned:




https://www.nairaland.com/5538441/some-problems-today-marriages-upbringing/1#84247193

What did I do to deserve your spotlight on my thread?

@phrase: if she goes about telling people especially men that she has not had sex in a year, they might prey on her vulnerability.

You are not sure if I am married or not? Yet quoting what I said about same husband?

Curiosity killed the cat my dear.

@bold: thank you for the additional colorful vocabulary

LewsTherin:
Actually have never heard about it. Strange that.

Because of the kind of person I am, I can understand people who have personality traits that are, for lack of a better word, unusual. These traits come from a large variety of factors - education, upbringing, religion, trauma, television, etcetera etcetera.

Getting a person to change that trait or view is not exactly the easiest thing in the world. It takes time and patience and wierdly enough, can be changed in an instant by great joy or great trauma. The human mind. Go figure.

But I said it once and I'll say it again. Homegirl must have seen these things in the one year of dating. But the chance to become Mrs Wife, the joys of landing an affectionate man must have been too much to resist. She's laid her bed.

Best she can do it to try to adjust the sheets slowly .

Very true

@bold: permission to use going forward.

pocohantas:
Why will they answer, when before you say jack- one (m) is on your tail with insults. They done bully all the females into inactiveness. Na them come dey hide behind female accts now. Last last, una go knack unasef. We will leave NL for una



Nah, I was just being mischievous. I believe a man can love a woman. I do not believe so many men genuinely love their women or the women they marry.

@bold

Very correct.

Mindfulness:
But he hasn't for more than a year now or longer. What do you suggest?

She discusses with him to understand why he thinks sex is not good for her yet with solid counter facts.

She should keep engaging (he wouldn't change overnight) depending on his precedence of acceptance.

If it doesn't work, she should spike his drink and sleep with him

She should also pray.

Mindfulness:
So MWC or not he must satisfy her right?

Yep and goes both ways.

Mindfulness:
It could be the Madonna complex, it could be that he is gay, it could be that he doesn't like sex, it could be that the birth was a traumatizing experience. We don't know, do we? Time will show. I just wonder if the Bible accepts the Madonna complex as an excuse to withhold sex from your spouse.

By the way, microwaves can be dangerous but believing that semen contaminates breast milk is a different story.

Considering that the wife did not complain about their sex life prior to pregnancy, I will assume MWC first.

@ bold: there is absolutely no excuse. That's why people should ensure they have sound minds before getting married and all issues that would hamper them from being healthy spouses handled.

If any party discovers any hindrance on the go, they both need to communicate, work together and resolve their issues.

I agree with your last paragraph.

pocohantas:
It is true love... A responsibilty he chose to take up, so many didn't. I don't think any other can come close. Maybe a few can... more reason I get veryyyyy bored when a guy keeps telling me he loves me. That thing dey scratch my ear

You don't believe a man can love a woman?

chronique:
Well I wouldn't know but I know some dudes are low key fucktards. They bring nothing to the table and want everything.

I agree.

Some fucktards are made by circumstances.

I like to know how they became that way.

Some ladies too leave the good men and prefer them.

joepepsy:
We are your future husbands,we need to partake in the discussion.

Very true.

Acidosis:
This is a senseless/unintelligent question


Doesn't matter which you put first, one will always come to obstruct the other. You cannot build a career before marriage, and can't have a successful marriage before a career. Like Rome, both are not built in a day. You can't be 30 and say you have a successful career. Same applies to marriage. At 30 or 35, you should shut up and let women in their 40s and 50s speak.

If you must have something before marriage, use the word "employment", "job", or some savings in your bank account.

Cool

chronique:
There are men like that but we're almost extinct.

I think almost every man is configured to be like that till heartbreaks and other influences.

cipslim:
I understand that when it comes to sensitive topics like marriage and career especially for women, a lot of people have different opinions. Whatever your opinion is I do respect it; different things work for different people. Without much ado, let get into it.

Women who want to have kids should make it a high priority in their early twenties – late twenties to find a “partner”, (Note, I quote a partner, not a husband, as much as I am pro-marriage, it’s just not for everyone and not all women want a husband). According to statistics, it’s harder for women in their late thirties to get married.

Another big reason is because of the pressing issues facing Generation X: infertility. We are experiencing more women having issue with getting pregnant naturally and the cost of IUI or IVF is not getting any cheaper. Honestly, you have your whole life to get a career and you can even change career at any time in life. This is not true about having a baby.

If you are already in your 30s, single and want to have kids, you need to find a partner now. Take that career drive and direct it toward mating because your career skills will outlast your ovaries.

As much as I believe women should not be pressured into getting married as most African parents or families do, the reality is the woman’s biological clock is running. However, there is lots of evidence to show that a woman’s biological clock takes a nose-dive from age 35. A huge percentage of fertility statistics get bad at 35.

What is the definition of a marriage?
What is the definition of a career?

Let's start with that.

LoyalRccgMember:
hey guys, so I made a post here last week about a mistake that would have cost me a life time. read it here
https://www.nairaland.com/5544700/regret-decision-later-life

so, the guy later brought the stuff but I refused to collect it ( thanks to some helpful comments here). although he looks disappointed, he still respects my decision but I'll rather keep a distance from him sha.

also, I told my sister's friend never to enter my room again (it's been a week now she last visited our house)

Now, in a world where indecency is being celebrated and sex being worshipped and virgins being looked down on by their friends.

Please nobody should quote me as being holier than thou. I know what I'm saying! ( had my first masturbation when I was 14. I cried and prayed for God's forgiveness. the second masturbation was last week due to some unforeseen circumstances, which I also pray for forgiveness)

In case you're wondering, My parents are not pastors or anything but my dad made sure he brought us up in the way of the Lord.

To those giving excuse in committing formication with "Body no be firewood" please that isn't an excuse!!! I've been called numerous names by my chaps before. names like Introvert,VN (an acronym for virgin nigga) and Also Importency!!! yes, that's how far some people go just to see you to join them in sinning.

as far as I could remember, I've never had a girlfriend in my life nor do I have female friends apart from my sisters and cousins. and in case you're wondering, I'm not ugly, rather girls in our department, (I'm in 400l currently) have been trying to gain my attention which I ignore all of them.

To those who might consider my post a childish post, only shows that you're guilty in fornicating!.

Now, my quick question is, can you marry a Non virgin lady? as for me, I can't. because of the thought of seeing someone down there, disgusts me! you can say I'm the jealous type which I agree. as Someone like @Slawormir have said " it doesn't matter who have swim there before, it doesn't matter who is swimming together with you" like WTF? seriously bro?. please I need matured answers only. peace out!

Interesting.

Good one to stir clear from your Pianist and sister's friend.

I also admire your stance to avoid pre-marital and the measures (no relationship).

Since you have been able to hold yourself till now, continue to do so and stop telling people you are a virgin.

Also look for people with similar views who would encourage you. When you roll with the wrong set of people, they can do anything to prove you wrong.

Imagine your pianist advising you to have causal sex with someone you don't like.

As to your question, it is really your choice and I understand the disgust of sharing your body with people who have had previous lovers. However, if you are willing to be led by God, you should know that His ways are not yours and His plans are different.

Don't let your quest for a virgin bride make you mono-focused and lose sight of God's ultimate plan.

@bold: Also, ease up on the haughty attitude. A liar is same as a fornicators is same as a thief.

The wages of sin is death.

ornicus:
its not just runs girls

https://i2.wp.com/www.thetrentonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Dino.jpg?w=459&ssl=1

its 90% of nigerian over night billionaires

invictus also came out of nowhere and was forming motivational speaker
ditto for onyema - a man with no back ground in aviation who suddenly floated an airline

this is not about runs girls - it is about the foolish nigerian attitude of not questioning and attributing all success to divine favor, while pressing iphone developed by a man whose history we all can trace - including when he was booted out of apple.

I agree.

mysticwarrior:
you be better woman, I dey like your comments because you no dey support nonsense.

Thank you.

Remember this when I am against a man

Like you rightly said, I don't support nonsense

crackhaus:
This Bukatyne continues to amaze me.

I love this.

Awwwww

Thanks.

fuzzywuzzy:
Good evening ma

I come in peace ma, personally I dont think she is "reporting him about"

"Till she gets dicked".

She needed help and advice because she was unhappy so she came to seek it, please don't make her feel bad by critisizing that action.


God bless you.

The OP is the wife's former teacher.

It is help that made me open this thread so that the OP can stir her to another direction and others can learn.

Even if I don't support her resolution mode, I understand her pain.

She is looking at a sex less life for 2yrs plus.

Not palatable.

TheRedpillguy:
People are made of ideas. They are just on the opposing side. The bokoharams guys see themselfs as the good guys and everybody else the bad once. As for women. There love is opportunistic, they uselly love to benefits something from the man.

I don't agree.

Yea, some ideas or ethics are different.

Some others are evil and the doers know that they are evil which is why would not condone it from anyone else.

TheArchangel:
I detest married priest, reverends or pastors. The mere fact that they had sex with their wives or anybody gives me the jitters. You can't be frolicking and then placing vagina-fluid coated fingers on my forehead in the name of prayers.... Or praying with a Pastor Wilson's-like mouth Ewwww.

Are you serious?

This is the height!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

funmisticqueen:
i am not expecting too much. I am expecting him to man up and ask the tough questions nobody is asking. That's the bare minimum. He is the head and leader of the household after all.


@ op Nksleek these are the questions you should ponder on instead of kicking her out without thinking. A true leader acts, not reacts.

Why did she do this?
Did my actions drive her into the arms of another and how can it be prevented in future?
How can I save my marriage?
Does she still want this marriage?
Do i still want this marriage?
What do I stand to lose if i send my wife away? What do instant to gain if i send her away? Where's a good marriage counselor we can see?
What's the way forward?
Do i still love her and does she still love me?

Answering these questions honestly help one in the face of infidelity.

We have to learn to look introspectively and be honest with ourselves.

Happy to help

It is easy to rope the guy in as the head and the leader now.

If she thought him the leader, she would have told him her concerns and they address it.

Using your analogy, what she did was disloyalty which was punishable by death in the olden days.

LewsTherin:
Madam, why are you putting me on the spot now?

I saw this thread and let it alone. After all, the guy wasn't at sea during the period they were dating. There is no way she didn't know his "old fashioned" tendencies. If she enjoyed his affections enough to marry him, what's the problem at this time?

I am not putting you on the spot joor.

@bold: so chivalrous, so sweet.

What do you think about Madonna-LovePeddler complex.

LewsTherin