Start calling then. She’s not a chatty type. Another way is to ask open ended questions. Not questions she can say yes or no to. E.g how was your day should be replaced with tell me how your day went.

Why do we always like to compare the male and female gender? We have different struggles and different expectations thrusted upon us.

The only reason why men continue to cheat is because women do not dump cheating men, the reverse is the case for men. Just like you won’t see most guys break up with a woman for being broke, the reverse is the case for women.

The reason why women tolerate cheating men is because it’s hard for a lady to get a meaningful relationship, it is far more easier for men to get a relationship because there are more women readily available for long term relationship or marriage than there are men. Most men will not date/marry if casual sex was readily available e.g look at the number of your male celebs totally uninterested in marriage.

When a man is caught cheating he owns up to it, he either apologizes and accepts he messed up or tells the girl well that’s who I am, take it or leave it. When a girl is caught cheating it is because her man did something and she’s only getting back at him, when will you folks learn to own your decision to cheat? Accept your hoeliness as a man accepts his doggliness.

Lastly, I’m a big advocate of criminalizing cheating in marriage. If physical violence (domestic violence) is a crime, emotional violence (cheating) should be too. Research has shown that emotional trauma hurts more and takes longer to heal.

It’s because of control, usually most couples want to control their second half. This is as a result of dependency. If you depend on something for your happiness, you tend to want to control the situation all the time. Once it isn’t in your control you become unhappy.

That’s why you see someone get angry because his wife didn’t sweep or do the dishes, when he can very well just do it. You see women get angry because their man did not grant their financial request etc.

Solution - Your happiness depends on you alone. If you don’t like something your partner does. Your two options are;

1. Accept the situation
2. Let them know you don’t like it, if they can’t change, walk out of the relationship.

You can’t fight them to change. Getting angry only makes you age faster and opens you up to lot of sicknesses.

He’s bisexual, stingy and useless but you remain married to him.

Graxie:
The hijab wearing lady that was killed recently because she refused being raped in her house made most of your arguments flawed. Of course you will have those that will applaud you, a woman who doesn't see rape in marriage will definitely fault girls for being rape victims. Keep applauding rapist, some day, most of your theories will become void by the time you witness first hand experience of being a victim.

The hijab lady clearly falls under violent rape that I removed from ‘preventable rape’. All the cases of “I went to his hotel or I slept over at his place” flying about isn’t preventable? What do you want me to say? Girls should keep sleeping over while trusting criminals not to rape them?

Justbehave:
So what's stops most of the women from calling their husbands daddy?Or the husbands are not old enough?

In the southwest where I’m from most women call their husband daddy, daddy wa even when the husband is not old enough to be her dad.

Are you saying any woman who respects her pastor won’t respect her husband? Is respect for husband and pastor mutually exclusive? Or are most men just insecure? If you don’t want your wife to go to church just tell her not to and if she refuses divorce her. What’s the fuse about?

Warlord2012:

Trash

You could call it trash but you can’t say it’s false. It certainly happens.

In Nigeria any person old enough to birth you is daddy/mummy.

Any person who has a child as old as you is daddy/mummy.

Your Guardian is mummy/daddy.

Any person in a position of influence/power/wealth is daddy.

Your spiritual guardian is daddy/mummy. Even in old times people had father in the lord e.g Elijah/Elisha.

The one without a backup plan. The one who finds it harder to move on.

skymight:
Finally I got an answer thanks so much dear God bless you. How much is the pregnancy test kit. I have not been able to sleep sir, I am here because I need a possible solution thank you for this response I feel relieve a little.

I have never had to buy one myself, but it can’t be up to #2000. You can google ‘pregnancy urine test kit’ to find out how it looks like.

Also if it turns out she’s pregnant, do inform her aunt. The aunt can even take her for safe abortion. If you buy pills and it kills her or affects her adversely you can go to jail for a long time.

Your girlfriend is paranoid.The first symptom of pregnancy is not seeing her period, other symptoms would happen between 6-8 weeks.

Go to chemist, buy pregnancy test kit, let her read and follow the instructions. Usually she pee on it, after a couple of minutes if it shows 1 line she’s not pregnant, if it shows 2 she is pregnant.

Before you buy abortion pills, make sure she carries out the test. 1 week is too early to know.

OP.

We encourage rape culture by not teaching women to report cases immediately.

We encourage rape culture with words like ‘nobody has the right to rape you even if you go to his house naked’. Rapist are criminals they don’t care about rights.

We encourage rape culture by bullying people to silence with accusations of being a rape apologist. If we want rape to end we have to engage in these conversations.

We encourage rape culture by absolving girls of all responsibilities towards preventing rape.

We encourage rape culture with words like ‘no means no’. Action speaks louder than words. You don’t want sex with someone don’t lead them on and then say no at the point of sex.

We encourage rape culture by shielding relatives who rape.

We encourage rape culture when the police cannot bring rapists to book.

We encourage rape culture by thinking the rules, guidelines put in place to prevent it are backwards, uncivilized and meant to cage women. Organizations like deeper life, covenant uni etc have been shamed over and over because they prohibit any kind of unnecessary mingling between genders.

Asides violent rape like Uwa’s case, rape of minors, Armed rape/ use of weapon most rape cases could have been prevented.

Lastly, the authorities really need to step up, the greatest deterrent to rape is when the rapist knows he will get caught. Also the rhetoric that females are better brought up than their male counterparts in Nigeria needs to stop immediately.

Klass99:


I can relate to this post. I had a school mate schooling and working in Russia. She often had to fall back on money contributed by her siblings in Naija to survive. She didn't stay back after school, she came home.

My own cousin returned from Australia, after his Masters. He said the system over there won't allow you live a very comfortable life. Everything is billed and taxed to a point where, you can hardly afford nice but expensive things for yourself.

He said most of the people he befriended had never been on a plane or travelled outside their states of residence, because by the time they are done paying bills, there's very little left for travel. Travelling for them, would mean a financial plan of 6 or 8 months ahead for that trip.

This is not always the case for immigrants, especially the ones of coming from Africa. There is a minimum wage system in most developed country, meaning no matter what you do, you can not earn below certain amount of money. These wages are put in place with consideration to cost of living, i.e housing, transport, feeding, taxation etc. Most minimum wages are livable wages, you can survive and live comfortably if you live according to your means.

Most Diasporans who come back home only do so because they do not see themselves doing these minimum wage paying jobs. e.g your cousin with a master degree wouldn't want to work as a security or sales associate at a store. Depending on ones course of study, grades, age, past work experience, not every diasporan will get the career of their choice. As long as you are able and willing to work and spend according to your means, you won't suffer.

Sleyanya1:


@ Point 4, anyone who pulls such stunt on you isn't worthy to be called your friend and most times you'd know when they're lying.


However, giving is something we should all make plans to do. You could set aside a budget for your folks back in Nigeria (that's if you can afford) and when you exhaust that you reschedule granting any other financial requests to the next month's budget.

Desperation can bring out the worst in people. I agree with you, i try to set aside a percentage of my earnings for charity, but i discovered that people will always take advantage of it. Some people who make requests end up living better than you, they walk into restaurants and spend money you won't spend on one sitting. You soon start to feel like you are being taken advantage of.

sweetmelanin:



I wish this was the case for most people in Nigeria but the reality is that majority are suffering!

That it is well with you doesn't mean you disregard the plight of millions of jobless, lowly paid Nigerians who sadly also have a entitlement mentality towards those abroad, making financial demands on top of someone else's sweat!

People have a bias and react to things through the lens of these biases. I am sure once he opened my thread he thought it was another diasporan bashing Nigerians in Nigeria post and he couldn't resist the impulse to defend the NIN.

Amanee:
Very valid points op and you're quite right.

Bailing friends and family financially is deeply engrained in our system, it even has a name, 'black tax'. It's not something that started today and it won't end anytime soon. So just do what you can and resist the urge to become a saviour at your own detriment. Like a wise man once said "when someone ends up being indebted, it's not because of the family. In many instances they don't themselves understand the limit of their finances. Someone who knows their limit regardless of family pressure will not go over their limit".

You are very correct Amanee, i realize that when i was working in naija, i could give out almost a quarter of my monthly pay without thinking about it, right now i cannot even give out 5% except it's a life or death situation, even though i earn more now. Your comment is spot on.

Klass99:


Point 5, made me lol. I do the same thing too, when I think something is too pricey, I refuse to buy it. Only to end up spending that sum of money or even more, on cash requests from family or friends.

I'm in Naija, but to answer your question, I don't have a problem with telling people I am broke or now is not a good time for me financially. I don't dilly dally with my answer either, so the person with a request, can quickly move on from me to other options.

I would like an early retirement from this rat race of a 9-5. So, now, I am very focused on investments and putting more money away towards my retirement. This has caused me, to cut down on the number of requests I honour.

I call it requests rather than demands, because you can only ask me for financial help, demanding it will get you no where with me.

Very good for you, you have got your priorities right. I do have people who make demands and get angry when you don't meet up. These ones think you owe them and will say words like "let me enjoy you na, since you traveled you have only sent me money twice. bros no be so". I am learning to tell people i have commitments and i would not be able to be of assistance right now.

rentAcock:
Abroad people call me every weekend asking me to send money (not bragging). Many of them are frustrated over there. They work long hours including overtime but the government takes federal, state, city, social security, medicare, medicaid and disability taxes. On top of that, when they buy biscuit, they will still take sales tax. They pay exorbitant rent; those who "own" homes are locked in a loan repayment for 30yrs of which they still have to pay annual taxes for their house. Phone bill can cost over $60 per line, cable $120, internet $80 and they still pay tax on top of it. Burger and chips with soft drink can easily cost you $16 plus tax.

Sure some folks are making over $100,000 theoretically especially healthcare workers in expensive big cities like California and new York, but by the time the deduct all those taxes from their check, they are left with just $40,000. Then they still have to pay more taxes on every thing they buy. That's not life. It's like a rat wheel, oscillating but not making any progress. I have a cousin who was in the same situation in America, after 10yrs working as a social worker, he returned home and we started up a business. He still regrets all the years he spent slaving away in America. Today, he travels the world on vacation and visiting places he didn't even have time to visit when he was living abroad. It's not too late for Nigerians living abroad to return home; you can make it big here with less stress and you will extend your life span.

Lol. Nobody makes $100,000 and ends up with $40,000 after deductions. Anyway this is not a homebased vs diasporan thread. How do you cope with the people abroad making financial request?

Are you a Nigerian? do you have friends and family in diaspora or home who are doing well for themselves but will ignore your request to send money all the time? before you call them stingy or wicked, here are some of the reasons why rich friends do not give out money;

1. They don't have enough: Enough is subjective, someone can earn as much as $100,000/annum but feel he's not earning enough, some people have these dreams of being wealthy and that salary isn't sufficient to get them there. So you have a friend/relative who works in a big firm abroad, you think he's rich, he thinks he isn't earning enough. Even millionaires have needs too.

2. You are not the only one making financial demands: You think you are his best friend because you went to secondary school together and were seat mate or bunk mates in the hostel so automatically he should be predisposed to meeting your needs, well there are primary school best friends, university best friends, first love, NYSC best friends, Neighbours, uncles, aunties, brothers etc who think their request should be met too. It is impossible to meet all these needs.

3. Making financial demand is never a one time thing: I had this habit of giving money to people who ask for financial favors the first time. I thought since they never asked for such before, they must really be in need. I soon found out that after that first time they run to me whenever they need money again, sometimes they space out the request like two months, some every month etc. I then realize that the $100, $200 i send them is never going to be sufficient, they will always come back for more. So i joined the God will provide gang.

4. Yahoo boys : Not every fraudster hacks into companies accounts, or forge the accountants signature, or even find lonely older women/men to scam. Some yahoo boys have resorted to begging, they send you message of how their dad is dying in the hospital, how their sister got arrested for a crime she didn't commit and they need a lawyer bla bla, they call these lies format and once you send them money they pop champagne and call you client.

5. General realization : One day i was going through my bank statement and i noticed i gave out about $500 monthly to family and friends. The same me who will walk into H & M, see a shirt of $40 and think it's too costly. I either buy it grudgingly or wait till it's on sale to buy. I realized i wasn't taking care of myself enough. Most people will come to this realization at a point in their lives.

This thread isn't limited to just people abroad, it include people who work and earn who are home based too. How do you cope with demands?Diasporans what made you rethink your generousity?

Feel free to add yours.

Men wouldn’t mind a bisexual partner, women would mind. If my partner was bisexual I wouldn’t really bother as long as she’s not depriving of the love deserving of her husband.

yvelchstores:
it is not so. Before marriage these things are not bare. Then after marriage, suddenly he says his wife should leave Facebook, it's for her safety. Social media becomes ungodly. And her family? She is taking sides with them because she calls them on phone. He starts asking, "when last did u call them" and feels at home when he hears "I can't remember when last I spoke with them". She can't have visitors nor can she even attend weddings. Any avenue for her to be financially independent is a major threat.... All these things creep in after marriage, not before. But from where I stand, it's never to late to free yourself from such if you find yourself in it.

Maybe these specific issues do not come up but you would definitely see signs of being overprotective, of not wanting anything to do with your family, being controlling, etc. the signs are never hidden. I agree with you it is never too late to walk out of such marriages.

Women will go into a relationship with a man knowing fully well his position on certain issues then try to blackmail him with words like misogynistic or narcissistic.

A man who wants his wife to serve him and sees himself as the authority at home isn’t always a bad person, it’s his upbringing and views about life. I don’t think men like this will hide their character during courtship and only reveal them in marriage.

If you as a woman are not comfortable with his views, it is your prerogative to leave the relationship. There are certainly many women who wouldn’t mind a relationship with such people.

Most times women while dating would not mind being under total control, as soon as they get married they then expect the man to change all that she made him accustomed to. Relationship is the time to push boundaries, if he walks away, he walks away. Don’t date Pablo Escobar and expect to be in a marriage with Adeboye.

I don’t know who made these laws that a 17 year old can’t date a 24 year old but once she turns 18 she can date a 30 year old. If she’s in the university or any other higher institution please go ahead, she’s not a child, if she can choose her course of study she definitely can choose who to date.

It is wrong to hit anybody, however Nigerians are very hypocritical, we took only a small segment of that law as applied in western countries.

In western countries, teachers do not beat their students, military personnel do not beat civilians, men do not beat women, men do not beat men, parents do not beat children etc. Every kind of beating is prohibited.

In Nigeria, the child gets beaten by teachers, parents, older siblings etc, the child in turn beats up people he’s older and stronger than. We grew up like that with a mindset that we should use beating as a way of registering displeasure.

If the government is serious, physical violence should be frowned upon across all board starting from the family and schools. That way children can learn that not every situation should be solved with violence.


Back to your question, it’s because women are seen as physically weaker than their male counterpart. In the world today the weak is allowed to bully the strong but it mustn’t happen the other way. E.g. fans can insult celebs all day, when the celeb claps back it makes headline, black people can say trash about white people, when a white guy does same he’s accused of racism etc.

You can’t advise teenagers on issues as this. Once the hormones start they want to be in a relationship and that’s fine. I started dating at 13, I was in JSS3.

I think I agree with the guy who says relationships shouldn’t start till you are ready to marry. Anything you do before then is just setting yourself up for heartbreak, relationships should be a means to an end which is marriage, not just a tool to get sexually satisfied.

Again, you can’t advise people about these things, they will do what they want anyway.

Why can’t a woman marry two men is just like asking why can’t men be prostitutes!! The answer is who will patronize them? Is it the same woman who can get sex from any man on her whatsapp or instagram contact who will pay for sex?

With the multitude of single women willing and ready to settle down, why will two complete and able men choose to share one? If you choose to buy them with money, the chances of them using your money on other ladies are very high.

You can however choose to have multiple sex partners, guys are not selfish, they will even be the one giving your contact out to their friends to bed you.

Advantage: you will have lots of sex
Disadvantage: if you choose to settle down later on you will have the dilemma of having to inform your partner about your past or risk him finding out from outside sources.

NoToPile:



The things I read on NL sha.

What would you like to read on NL? To hate your husband because he has a bad habit?

Women do not always like it when their spouses give other people money, the 5000 or 10000 your husband gives his siblings is not the cause of his lack of investments.

There are lots of other ways your husband can cut cost but you are fixated on him not giving his family. Expunge that idea from your mind, it will always be seen as trying to put a wedge between him and his family.

If truly your husband is irresponsible with his money, love him through it and one day he will come to realization, if you can’t do that leave the marriage. You are already solely taking care of your immediate family, I’m sure you won’t miss him anyway?

Most working class girls are like this. There are many men who are also like this. They feel threatened with the goodness of their partners they would prefer it didn’t happen.

OP you are normal, as long as you don’t physically/intentionally do anything to sabotage his progress, it’s jealousy/fear which are basic emotions.

You really are only looking out for yourself, but by doing so wishing someone else bad, it’s good you have acknowledged these emotions, whenever it comes to mind again pray for him and wish him blessings.