₦airaland Forum

Tickles001:
Money is hardly enough. That's why I said couples should never live above their means so that growth will be possible.
For how long? She's working and the fall back is just to cushion her for a while. Assuming there's no livelong investment.


This is a different case. I didn't say she shouldn't work, that would make her bored at home. I'd encourage her to start something worth her time and energy at the early stage of the marriage.
The point here is not that I don't want her to have a little money of her own, but I don't want to have her only after she's washed out in the pursuit of that money.

Know this. When a man that is looking for a woman to pair with, her finance is among the least he considers. This is because she can still make the money in your house. But if she's no longer has the allure of a woman, nothing can restore it.


Not family members. Most of them are friends.
As for this aspect of marriage. I don't agree one must be married before they understand it. A close observation of multiple homes will give you enough info to work with.

As I said, you need to be married to make an informed opinion. When you do get married, you will remember this chat and smile.

Observing multiple homes, whether friends, family or enemies is different from being in it. Ask those you observe. You are only an onlooker and not a partaker.

You know how it is when you are watching a match and you know what a player or players should have done better. But when they put you there, you can't do much better than them. It is similar. So, wait till you are on the pitch.

All the one you are saying in theory and hypothesis. Only your own experience will count. Deep down you know this because you sound smart. But I might be wrong.

Tickles001:
I didn't say friend, but family friend. That would tell you I'm not just close, but a member. I like getting very involved in my friends lives some times.



You don't necessarily need to become something before you can understand that thing to a satisfactory level. A great number of single person understand marriage more than the married ones sef.
Understand this. Men don't want to be the only provider, but they got no choice. It's either he gets a woman he won't enjoy living with hoping on the little money she's got that she never actually gives, or a young naturally clean happy girl that he will enjoy staying with and later fix her up with something.

How many financially capable modest (not the I have changed type) young girls do you see around you. Not much.

Now, you mentioned control. Why would you want someone you can't control to become part of you. It's a man that absorbs a woman, and at that a little control is needed. Except you're talking about some other kind of control.



I won't live beyond my means, and won't raise an isolated family. If I die, they'll be much (people and resource) for her to fall back on. And I remember saying I'd fix her up with something within few years of marriage.

You are only talking about an ideal situation where you have enough money for her to fall back on. For how long?

I know someone, an inlaw, whose husband forbade her from working. When he died, it wasn't easy. Now her kids are grown, she has to completely depend on them. No single dime of her own. She keeps complaining about her husband holding her back.

You said you don't necessarily need to become something....i beg to defer. You can't know exactly what marriage is except you are in it. It's easy to judge from outside and give the best advice from outside till you get married. Single people understand marriage more until they get married.

Even if you like to get involved in their lives, do they allow you into every part of their lives? You can't follow them around. Be in their fights, intimate moments, etc. Or can you?

I studied my sister and husband's marriage and was very close to them. It still wasn't the same as being in my own marriage.

When I say you should wait till you get married, it is not that I am trying to insult you. But you can't be a single person and give an informed opinion no matter how close to you are to married family members. It's simple wisdom.

Tickles001:
I'm not married, but I'm family friends with a few married people (men and women). What I tell you is not theory. It's insider information based on observations.

It's not enough to be close to married people. Are you in their private moments? Are you in their bedrooms? You only go by what you are told/what they want you to know.

When you are married, you will be able to contribute with facts. Any man who wants to be the only one to provide financially just wants to control his woman.

God forbid that you leave this world with her to take care of the children, you will be leaving a "useless" woman that will be running from pillar to post to provide for the kids.

PhoebeLeigh95:
I have a 29 year old brother who is the only son of my parents. He graduated years ago but he has refused to do any job to support himself. My father has washed his hands off him but [b]my mother still carries all his responsibilities on her head. He goes to her for every naira he needs and if she refuses, he will insult and call her all sorts of names. [/b]My sister and I have advised her to stop bankrolling him because he never appreciates anything she does for him but she won’t listen.
My worries now is that he has threatened to kill her because she could not give him money when he requested for it.
My family dynamics is just stressing me out.

Therein lies the problem...your mother. Your brother was probably pampered as the only son. We see that happen a lot where the boy hets everything handed to him till he becomes useless to himself.

If she can also "wash her hands off him", it might be better for him.

Tickles001:
This is not true. It only happens when she's taking your money and sending it to family and friends like they usually do. Every man wants to provide for a woman. I haven't seen a man living within his means with his wife making such complaints about wife not bringing money.



No. If a man complain about such responsibilities, then he didn't prepare or living larger than his growth permits.
I have been paying all those bills you listed (except the children cost) and I've not died. So I think I can cope without wife's money, if I keep things within my financial capacity. In marriage, upkeep money is usually set aside and handed to the wife so she doesn't always have to ask or inform the husband for little expenses.



Only men who are not capable make such consideration, and it never works. What capable men consider is their own capacity and preparedness.



Wrong again. In practice. A woman's money is exclusively her money, and never in direct service to the husband.

See. It's not like men don't like when a woman has money to spend, but it comes with a cost that makes the union more like a punishment to the man.

We want a girl that will grow in our sight. Take her when she's young and happy. Then find something she can do and fix her there. Not necessarily for money but to keep her active like everyone else. She could still help if she wants to.

Are you married? Or this is just based on theory and hypothesis?

You need to do something drastic that will get through to her. Just "sitting her down" to talk to her will not suffice at this point.

SHINJA:
Tears of a single evening paper woman above 45years

Only in the South,men give their women freedom,they misuse that freedom and claim to be feminists..Have you heard anything like feminism in the north?

Here in the north,women take permission from their husbands before they even step out of their house,some men even locked their women inside when going out...

Am out of here

So isn't it better to be single and termed an evening Newspaper than to be a prisoner in a man's house in the name of marriage?

Marrying at 12 is not the issue. Is she happy or just married?

pocohantas:
She may not. You male ancestors need to understand not all women love older men. If money is the goal, let’s not act like there are no rich young men.

Relationship started in November and he wants to marry her by Easter because time is not on his side anymore. Proof that men are only ready when they are ready. I am sure when he was in his early 30s, he must have accused his gf of being desperate for marriage. Now he is 40 and wants to marry in 5 months. He won’t call it desperation o, he will say he knows what he wants and not ready for games. Then any girl that refuses to play ball is immature and for the streets. Forgetting he took a whole 40 years (480 months) to be ready.

He should go look for his own Regina or marry within his age bracket.

He doesn't want to end up in Shiloh later this year

Reggaemich:
When a woman starts giving excuses like this

Especially when her upcoming wedding is around the corner,

Then it simply means, she is banging steady and she has a better option(another person is available)

Or it may mean that as the reality of getting married to him sets in, she has had to think deep and project into the future to determine if he is truly the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Not everything is about cheating. Some actions are valid based on antecedents or future projections.

Carot:
first name or middle name?

They use their first name as their children's surname.

seunak2016:
if you are Muslim forget it, your husband go marry another wife. I never hear where man say he want daughters all through without male child. good luck to you.

ps: having female children for him will give him perfect excuse to have another wives

The fact that you have not heard it doesn't make it invalid or impossible.

Your "ps" is your own personal myopic opinion. It counts for nothing here.

irichy100:
Can you name your female child 'Okoro', if Okoro was to be your first name or the ancestral name?

If the man's first name is Okoro, his children will bear it as their surname. That's what some people practise now.

For me, my middle name was a male name because it was my dad's first name.

Seems like young candidates is an abomination to APC.

Golan007:


Her priority was twitter.

Yeah. She should have sent a letter via the post office.

thesicilian:
Of all the things they said, "We married as virgins" was chosen as the title.

It's for the coconut headed Nairalanders that would conclude that thw woman must have destroyed her womb with abortion .

Another good title would have been. "IVF Failure"...for those other Nairalanders that are quick to shout IVF as if IVF itself is not a miracle.

Richy4:

Oh!! really...Technology has advanced indeed....It's been like donkey years that I have hidden my number to make a call.... I was thinking that the hiding thing is still like an option those good old days back then in Uni,...with 3310 at hand, you press * 31* press the numbers...the receiver will have a blank caller

Many years back, therr was someone that would hide his number and call me every morning at a particular time. The person won't say a word when I picked up.

I was so tired of it. My brother inlaw was an engineer at the telco where I had my line. I told to help me get the number that was stalking my phone.

He said it was against the policy. But that he could only make my number "immune" to unknown callers. The next day when the number called, it showed. I called back and the guy was speechless and just stammering . That was the last time he tried that prank.

Ajibade123:
do people still do this in this modern days

.
Maybe some. From day one my husband said he wanted 3 girls. Now I'm the one trying to break the jinx because I want a boy.

Onyiiobi7735:
We are obsessed with male children,because of the need to descendants to carry on the family name and bloodline.

In this day and age where men are giving their children their own name as their surname instead of the family name.

It's a good thing you are far away from her. Just try to control her access to you for your peace of mind. It's except you don't mind your day being spoilt everytime she calls.

Distance yourself from her and relate more with your siblings. She will get the memo soon after.

Richy4:
U relocated and went ahead to call her exposing your phone number so... Didn't your peers teach you on how to hide your phone number so that it can appear private, so that you will have control over who calls you...then if u want or choose to have a bad day, u call her..

That was one of the first thing I learnt those days in early 2000 when phones started in Nigeria with my Nokia 3310 .. No blocking those days... even when I upgraded with Nokia touch I still sABI how to hide my number if I do not want the receiver to know my number...

Try and be in control of your happiness now that you were no longer with her...I don't understand though how a child will call his/her mother and she starts ranting immediately...Some family have on this planet though :-[..

Lol @ the bolded. Funny thing is that my number unmasks numbers that are hidden. If you hide your number to call me, the number will still display.

maasoap:
Then case solved. She should use her father's wealth to change the fortune of her husband now! Or, is it only men that are supposed to be doing that for women?

Exactly!

Let her just go ahead and pay his groom price.

rickpat:
the nairalanders are so afraid to use their real account...abi op just dey post couple pictures to make front page ..whatever mehn


wish you two the best

it should be MONIKER A WEDS MONIKER B ...wetin una dey hide?una go hide for real life...hide for internet too..lol

Maybe it's Kris216 or Zonefree

bigcee:
Strictly water. No alcohol, no soft drinks.

We are in the same WhatsApp group. Nothing tastes better to me than water.

NoToPile:
But why are people towing this lane these days is there a specific reason for that?

I believe there's a reason it's called a family name, it's what identifies the family members
In worst case scenerios use an hyphenated form, the first name of the man and the original surname, that way they will know the children are direct children of this particular son from that general family surname, even this should be in cases where it's needed.

E. G mike-Bamiloye, Felix-adejumo

It's less confusing that way. In fact in my place, we bear the family surname and bear our father's first name as our middle name. So every child has the same middle name. That way you can identify whose children we are.

Vision101:
For a moment there, you sounded like Nwaamikpe :


@me
Longest time. How you dey?

I'm good. Welcome back

It's not an easy task bringing up a child, let alone one with the attention span of your son. At least you are working hard to help him, and that's the most important thing. Try to get your wife to agree to the test.

Please ignore anyone trying to make you feel you are a bad parent while they are feigning perfection like they have it all figured out.

pocohantas:
Really? It is just like eating efo riro and rice na. In fact, I use efo for rice, not swallow.

The best for me too. When I make efo riro, it's mainly for rice.

Richy4:
Did he want to marry the whole nation?
He should have told her... That's what I have been saying all through...That kind of news should be after love making...where she will not throw so much tantrums...in the morning, he will wake up early, serves her breakfast in bed and plead again for forgiveness and continue the project..

Lol...he stayed in SA before he moved to China. He has passports of both countries. Still came back to marry here.

True it would have solved a lot if the man had told the op first. Sometimes it's really that easy. Now trust is lost. I'm pained on her behalf because I tried to put myself in her shoes to imagine how I would feel.

1Sharon:
Less educated and illiteracy are not interchangable.

Less educated or illiterate, most educated men prefer equally educated ladies; someone that can match them intellectually.

The types that go out of their way to marry less educated or illiterate women are a different topic altogether

Richy4:
You know that it is not really easy to work 2 jobs abroad....One is just about enough to drive one crazy... not to talk of making it 2...
He had a mission which was the reason why he got the extra job to level up...

Ask that OP very well... The man hiding where his money ways going and working 2 jobs will not like to deny his family anything...So that the constant where is your money going argument will not surface....He did his best providing which made the OP kept quite without contesting or fighting him for not doing so...

OP's anger is justified because they should be working on the same page...That's where I faulted the man...She shouldn't have heard it from outside...But OP's priority was not the man's priority...She wants to save...Assuming he waited, how much accumulation of wealth/saving will be enough to satisfy her and for her to give her consent for the Husband to start build?

As for Igbo men....I have seen a lot of them that married whites, Jamaicans and other ethnic group over 20years.. some less than that... They were faithful and sticks to their spouse like glue..... A blanket approach to this situation is not the best way forward...As I suggested earlier, she should forgive him and let whatever that bites last night to be mosquitoes..

It's not a blanket approach. It's based on the many I have seen. In fact, one I know had a South African wife, a Chinese wife and still came back to marry a Nigerian wife in grand style.

That's why I said his MO is like that of the average deceptive types. Building a house is a whole big project not to tell your spouse. He didn't buy a car or a land. He built a whole house!

One of those threads you wsh you could unread.