₦airaland Forum

LewsTherin:
Not at all. Like hundreds of Kung Fu movies teach us, when the student is ready, the master will appear.

Just kidding.

But jokes aside, there is so much I have learned from my 16 years. If I tried to start writing, it will just lead to bored reading. But you have given me a lead, and I will run with it.



Fortunately, she isn't the garrulous type. I am an introvert and so is she. The problem isn't her talking too much. The challenge we face is in no one talking at all! So we have to make conscious efforts to raise topics for discussion. Talk about the kids, talk about the business, talk about the guy we saw crossing the road in funny shoes, anything. It also doesn't help that we have widely different interests. But we try to find something to talk about.

If by talking non stop you mean nagging, fortunately for me, she doesn't nag. I have made it clear to her though that the easiest way to put a man's back up is to nag and complain unceasingly. She's a good woman. She does her best. On my part, I do my best to keep her from needing to complain.




Considering that we run a business together, I fully understand if and when she's tired from a stressful day. Mostly because I'll be stressed myself. That's what restaurants were created for. Any day we realise that no one is going to have the strength to do any cooking, we stop by some joint or the other and get take out.

There is more to this though. We decided before we got married that we will have no live-in help in our home. (my wish, by the way). So we tend to share chores. Early in the morning, while she's bathing the kids, I make breakfast and pack the kids lunches. Many evenings, I do dinner while she prepares the kids for bed. It's not cast in stone. Sometimes we choose to have what only she can prepare. I help where I can.

But if she is just feeling lazy about cooking, well, I'm a good cook myself. She also tends to cook in bulk and freeze it. So it can be as easy as bringing a pack of soup out and making eba. Or stew and I prepare yam or potatoes or something. And where I can't be bothered either, there's take out. Dominoes. Suya and garri. Bread and sardines. Boli and groundnuts. Options art plenteous. There is no need to make a big deal out of it.



Now this one is a big deal. it can be a deal breaker if not handled properly. But we discussed this before we got married. Long and short, we decided that any issues concerning her family, she deals with it. Any issue concerning mine, I deal with it. But being the man of the house, it is almost always from my family that issues can arise. That's kind of like an African thing. So I set boundaries right from our dating days. If you have an issue with my lady, take it through me. If you think you can straight up bully her because she married your brother or son or whatever, be ready for my banana to fall on you. No joke. Within our first year, I head to tear eye for my elder sister. She didn't act out of malice, and I understand that. But she made my wife cry needlessly.

I guess I am fortunate in that my family is made up of basically sensible people in the first place. Her family respects me as well. So....



Like with in-laws, we discussed this well before we got married. Heck we discussed quite a lot. 8 weeks of premarital counselling will bring up almost every possible issue in marriage and give us time to discus and agree and how to address these issues.

First off, there is no "my money", "her money", "your money" and what have you. We have "our money". We have a joint account for savings and major expenses. At first she ran the budget but over time it became clear I was better at that, so I run the budget now. The bulk of our money lies in accounts in my name - to which she has access to the debit cards and knows the PINs. For mobile apps, my finger print, her finger print can unlock the phone and the apps. We also discuss every expenditure with each other before making it - at least as much as we can. So far, the only time we have money issues is when there is a general shortage of funds in the first place. It then is no longer a thing of who spends for what but more of what do we have to spend for what. The kinds are the biggest expense anyways so.....


I hope this helps.

Bottom line is you guys are just easy going folks and are lucky to have found each other. I can say the same for myself. Almost 10 years together, marriage and dating combined. We share similar characters with you guys but the only difference is, I have my money, my wife has her money but we all spend my money..
To be honest, she saves hers for us to use if have an emergency and are stranded. In laws are tricky. My siblings are all married and independent, she has a couple of younger ones who are students. Sometimes they want to come over for the hols, it used to bother me but now I'm used to it. They are responsible and don't cause any problems but I just don't like having people around. I have learnt to deal with it though, after all we are all family.
I will conclude that a good marriage all depends on the personalities of people involved. Some will marry easy going people and use the opportunity to exploit and oppress them. It's just luck.

FreeMejoor1:
your words doesnt strike any balance just look out for your family cause you are already favored by this bleeped up world..for real thank your stars for what you own and stop bickering about our bleeped up this world is..

You are still a child if you can't look beyond material things. Happiness is a state of mind, money or no money.

I have a loving wife and kids, extended family and friends who love me. I have a great job, cars and properties. I'm educated, outgoing and sociable. People tell me I'm lucky to have things going well for me. I don't feel lucky, I actually wish most times that I wasn't born. Life is challenging, stressful and sometimes meaningless. I don't really think that a lot of the fun stuff we do are actually fun, they are just temporary distractions. There is too much suffering physically, emotionally and economically in this world. I wish I never had the opportunity of knowing there is such a f^^ed up place called earth.

It's not easy finding a partner, a lot of people are mentally, economically, emotionally damaged. Since I am a man, I will speak of the opposite sex. Most girls are not sure of what they want, I met a girl in her 30's who still wants a man that will give her butterflies in her tummy. Some want rich men when they have no job and are not even intelligent enough to get an average job. A lot have very rotten attitude, bad character, no manners, no foresight etc. Trust me it will take a lot for a right thinking man to marry such a woman.
Men too have issues, some are unambitious, unintelligent, irresponsible etc and yet they want a perfect woman. People should work on themselves first before thinking of bringing someone into their world. Don't bring anybody into your damaged life. The reason a lot of people are single (not by choice) is because they have issues which others see and they don't or they choose not to.

Report to your fellow bláck áxe na.

takin35:
But what has come to this bro? It is well thank you bro but I ain't dumb.

Sorry bro, I was a bit worked up.

From a friend and you painted the story like say u dey the house. Stop exaggerating, lots of women work and the home still functions. It's either the man is lazy and should sit up or he should get a maid. It's not good for a woman to sit at home even if the husband is a billionaire, it's not good for her own self worth and growth.

takin35:
who told you they are not after love? someone that works in one of the beer producing company in Nigeria. dey there they talk weiting you no know.

Shut your trap, if you can't read look for someone to read for you. What I said is "is it not love they are after"? You dumb fúck.

Women and food. That's why most are unshapely and have protruding belly. You hardly see a female with a flat belly these days, even those that are yet unmarried. Gluttony is a sin.

It will be nice for people with issues to just keep to themselves and not drag other people into their sick world. It's ok to be a feminist, career woman, superstar or whatever, just don't let other innocent people suffer. Remaining single for life is no big deal. Some people were not created to bond with others, they'll just bring misery and unhappiness into such relationships.

Thuglife2020:
When she’s at my side, I sat and pretend like I was thinking about something, she asked what I was thinking and I told her I was thinking about her unfaithfulness, she bursted into tears .. I had to beg her.. another thing I notice about her, she never feel jealous of me talking to another girl over the phone

We've all made mistakes, we've all been foolish for love. Thank goodness you have nairaland to guide you. Like everyone has said, she doesn't love you, she's just manipulating you. You see it but you don't know it because you are in love. If it was your friend in this situation, you would have noticed it and advised him to move on. You have gotten enough advice here, no more games, tell her you are done with the relationship and block her on all platforms while you also delete her number.

Flee from such women. They will one day need pastors approval to determine the number of kids to have and the type of soup to cook.

The worse thing that can happen is to have a crazy person as a partner. They practically make you're life miserable, especially when you are 'not a man' like the OP. This same girl will be humble and loyal to a man, not just any man, an alpha male. Girls like this need men that can take charge and whip her into line. You don't need to go physical, just dominate with superior mental and emotional strength. The first time she acts up, set your rules and if she doesn't abide by it, tell her to eff out and mean it.
Unfortunately for the OP, he is emotionally weak, hence it was easy to suffer for so long in the hands of his crazy girlfriend. The other boyfriend was probably more of a man, that's why she couldn't build anything with him and rather ran back to you who she can dominate.

What kind of advice do you need? Forgive and forget, afterall na u she chose, the sex with the ex is just farewell sex.
What sort of men do we have these days? You should be thanking God for saving you from a hôe and inviting us for thanksgiving. You are here asking for advice. Please go ahead and marry her.
PS:
You've done trad marriage already. Please return the bride price. Thanks

pupsyd:
SSCE. couldn't further do to financial problem. but learnt some computer skills

You write so well for an SSCE holder. Kudos bro, e go bam last last.

It depends on whether the 'God will provide' talk is just talk or you guys are struggling for real. Most successful igbo men will tell you we are managing when asked ' how business '?. Sometimes its better to get the 3 bedroom at once instead of the stress of moving houses in a few years and paying extra costs for agency. Don't forget old tenants always pay lower than new tenants in future. As for people encroaching, it's up to you guys. People still encroach in a 1 room apartment. Too many stupid people out there and it's left for you guys to be in harmony and say no to squatters. If finance is really an issue, then all I've said is irrelevant as it's foolish to have to struggle to pay rent.

calgaryFriend:
The fact the OP collects 20k a month for feeding and she still claims is not enough for 2 people to eat in 1 month shows the kind of mentality she has.

I dont blame her though, she doesn't earn yet and has no burden of responsibility so she doesn't understand what men go through.

The husband apparently knows the current income is not sustainable for a family and is using his foresight to give himself a better chance by getting another degree to enhance his chance but madamme wants to ride a car by all means.

OP you too work hard and nobody will tell you not to buy your own car, abi ?

Most are shallow. Shout out to all the women out there that understand the struggle. The cars and the houses will come, it's just time. People should learn not to eat the future today.

Women are funny I swear. Stop saying the OP is angry because he deviated from the plan, the OP is angry because she has told people they are buying a car. Some silly points I've been reading above makes me wonder if some people actually have cotton wool for a brain. The woman is angry oga bought suit for 100k while she sewed a gown. That suit will last that man 10 years and don't forget he works, so he can even wear it to work. How can you compare a suit to a wedding gown that will be worn just once? Again, it's surprising how a jobless woman wants to dictate how the bread winner should spend his money. That man is a hero and should be given a medal for excellent planning. If you want a car at all cost, tell daddy to buy you one, after all he probably has worked for many decades and should be able to 'dash' his princess a car.

Who is the father and who is the son? Cute men though.

Mariangeles:
Why are men trying so hard to convince themselves of this and change the narrative?

You guys succeeded in convincing yourselves that it's a must that women should perform the duties of both a man and a woman and women accepted that, now this...IT AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN !
GOD HAS ALREADY GIVEN WOMEN THAT POWER AND IT CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY !
YOU ALL WILL ALWAYS BE AT THE MERCY OF WOMEN WHEN YOU WANT TO....

Guess what guys ? YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHAT IS !
IT IS WHAT IT IS AND THAT IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE !

Wetin this wan dey talk? Can't make head or tail of what you're writing. Sex is mutually beneficial. If men want sex, they are cheap women willing to be paid. If women want sex, they'll have to go to a dildó. Either way, men always win. Its always available to us, it's weak men that allow blackmail from the females. Sex is the cheapest thing to get.

Just to prove once again that with money everyone will look good. No one is ugly.

Is it not love they are after? Get married and stay in Nigeria or relocate to another country. If na America, forget am bros.

LOL naija. That's how Airpeace collected my money for a to ad fro flight in and out of Lagos in Dec. Both flights were cancelled and it took almost 2 months to get a refund after numerous emails, calls and threats. The silly NCAA is just rubbish. Tried to lay a complaint, the website is rubbish and after sending them an email they didn't respond. The same thing with Consumer Protection Agency. Nigeria is a joke, people get away with all sorts of rubbish.
I used wakanow in 2016 and the service was top notch. Sorry about your experience, business sustainability is a problem in these parts.

You are most likely not pregnant. Postinor distrupts the cycle.

People generally misunderstand exercise. Exercise is for toning your body. getting sculptured and ensuring you get the desired body. It also helps in circulation and general well being. Whilst exercise is good, the most important thing is your diet. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. If you eat poorly, exercise would never work. Diet without exercise will give you a good body but a poor diet with lots of exercise will hardly work except you are naturally blessed with a fast metabolism.
Cut down on junk food and carbs. Reduce fatty foods as 'pot belly' is usually as a result of fat, which in turn is a result of excessive calories. The body stores excess calories as fat and fat is stored in different places, for some people it is stored in the belly resulting in 'pot belly'. Cut down on your calories first before talking of exercise. Don't skip meals, just eat smaller portions and make sure you eat lots of fruits and drink lots of water.

The child doesn't know anything at that age. Let's stop being dramatic. He is just reacting to an unusual scene, thinks you guys are playing and wants to join in. I will advice you stop it though, no need getting him excited.

What's the problem, a few sensible people here could help.

To be honest some justification sounds sensible. Change of taste, high sex drive, practicing fantasies on other women while preserving your own woman etc. But the truth is that it has destroyed many people. At the end u actually never really gain anything.

Keep looking, you never see wife. Number 2 would have been the one if you were attracted to her. Without attraction, please don't try it. Number 1 is a no except you like emotional problems and a lack of peace of mind.

Na to carry belle for am next now abi.

kennygee:
Which is why I'm against premarital sex.

No hard feelings at the end of the day.

No hard feelings. Premarital sex is mutual by the way. Women should stop seeing it as some form of favour or something spectacular. Men put in all the work. If the world was sane, females should pay us for providing endless pleasure. Our own pleasure is very brief...

kennygee:
You won't understand.

Let's just leave it at that.

All I'm saying is, not all women are empty headed. Some of you guys don't even create the chance to make your gfs your best friend. You prefer to take the serious issue to your friends.

At least, try to engage the girl in an intellectual discussion. Try to see what's in her head before you ho into a relationship with her.

Unless y'all are just about casual dating sha.

I've seen it all. I've been married for more than half a decade. I married a woman who did all I listed above and that was why I married her even though she wasn't the finest of the lot.
As for exes, it was all about self and instant gratification. Trust me, I move in the right circle and this were not street girls. All in all, most of them had nothing to offer so it was always easy moving on. Unfortunately they always saw it as using and dumping not taking into consideration that the sex was mutual, some got jobs and start up capital, all got great gifts and had memorable fun moments. When you move on because they ain't adding value to your life, they blame you instead of working on themselves.