₦airaland Forum

Easybela:
Hubby and I use same password, nothing to hide. If there is no trust, why then are we together

I wonder o

phrancys001:
Face off

I have watched this movie over and over

Acidosis:
Duncan Mighty, you're stup!d!

Most Nairaland men don't think so

yahjac:
it is not an African culture, it is a global perception.
from boyhood most males unconsciously make their mothers their first love and put her on a pedestal. and it's this same lens they use to view other females.

eventually some come out of it while most dont. coming out of it in my opinion is the best way to actually relate well with women.
until a man stops putting women on a pedestal he won't be able to relate well with them.

before I forget, the dynamics of a (mother, son and daughter in law) is diffrent from that of ( mother, daughter and son-in-law.)

Absolutely @ the bolded.

Women understand each other and they understand manipulation because they do it too. So while a mother can twist her son's arm and he will easily bow to her will, it's not that easy with the daughters.

Pinkie2018:
seriously the way some men talk about their mothers it will be as if the their wives mother didn't suffer for them too. Of course his mother will not do all of that for another man's child, she did all of that because he is her son. So my point exactly is, it's every parents responsibility to care for their children but shouldn't use it as a yard stick to compare wives and mothers. What your mother did for you, your wife will also do it for your children. He only mentions mother , what about his father. Was he just a sperm donor?

It's our African culture. And the funny thing is that it is the sons that have this heroine syndrome about their mothers. The daughters love their mothers but still maintain a clear head and are able to please her without it getting in the way of their marriages.

But the men can keep wailing around about how their mothers backed them, sold her clothes and belongings for their sakes.

They will be alright.

yahjac:
I will have to agree with you on this one.... regardless Duncan isn't a small boy he has done well for himself as a man.
I still share & maintain the same perspective with him on the topic being discussed.

Ok

Good chat!

ReluctantAdult:
Is a 70yo man too old for a 35yo woman? No.

Love is unpredictable. Age doesn't matter. We can find love in the 'oddest' of places. True love not based on wealth.

You say the chances are slim but that's an admission of possibility and rightly so.

Ok then.

Wait till 70 to look for love.

yahjac:
well, I wish you well in your "different ball game".
by the way given Duncan's age I would assume that Duncan has more experience in this "different ball game"

Age is not the only basis for him to give good marriage advice. How is his marriage? Is he actually fit to give advice?

yahjac:
yes I will live my life to pay her back for all of it with gladness and joy in my heart.
I agree with Duncan mighty...it's my opinion.

feel free to do as you wish too

hope you know you have to be married to be qualified to tell me that marriage is another ball game entirely.....just saying

Yes I know. That's why I said it.

yahjac:
first of all, Duncan mighty was addressing his fellow men. for a woman to be the first to comment and kick against his advice/opinion raises alot of suspicion.
women are selfish in nature, most times if it doesn't affect them or someone they love dearly; they dont care! my family is predominantly female, I have 7 sisters.

Duncan mighty's advise is for men who have experienced true love from a woman (their mothers).
if you've never experienced true love from your mother, his advise is not applicable to you.

I noticed most men enter into relationships with women expecting the same type of unconditional love they got from their mother from their girlfriends/partners.......in most cases it is impossible and very rare.
very few men will get the same unconditional love they got from their mother from their wives/girlfriends(story for another day)
if you are lucky to have both....good for you.
but do not enter into a relationship with a woman expecting unconditional love.

I experienced unconditional love my mother, so now

-where was the so called girlfriend/wife when my mum took a loan from the bank to be paid in over 7yrs just to put a roof over my head ?

-where was the so called girlfriend/wife when my mum was sleeping in a car for a week in northern nigeria just to avoid spending her travel/hotel allowances just to be able to pay school fees (school was resuming the following week she had nothing) ?
-where was the so called girlfriend/wife when a loan that was meant to be paid to someone else in my mums office was accidently paid to my mother's account. she immidiately withdrew the money and paid for my final year graduation (I couldn't graduate if I didn't clear myself).
she almost got sacked if not for her oga that vouched for her good character. the gist go round for her office.

-where was the so called girlfriend/wife when I accompanied my mother to go and beg for fees from some rich fellows way we sabi ( I cried inside of me, my whole mother dy beg person for money at the end the person no still burrow her the money )
in case you're wondering my mother is lanister; she always pays her debt.

as I'm talking to you now my mother wants to take another loan for me to go for my masters.
it's me that is even telling her to be calming down.


I don't look like C.ronaldo and I'm aware that no girl will look at my face if I'm not a somebody in society (it is unfortunate that this how most men will find alleged true love )


if any man doesn't want to shower his mother with love, that is his problem.
your so called girlfriend/wife (if at all she is a good person) would shower her own parents with love......no loose guard !!!

So if your wife also collects a loan for you or begs people on your behalf, will you put her on the same pedestal as your mother?

All these you mentioned are things that parents do because they brought you into this world. Or is it the doctor that is meant to train you? Did your mum do all these for the maid? Nope.

You will now live your life to payback all of it because you believe she did you a favour. And if you are not the wise type you will keep throwing it in your wife's face how your mother suffered for you like her own mother didn't also.

Marriage is a different ball game from boyfriend and girlfriend. When the time comes, you will understand the difference.

heniford2:
while i can't change your mindset for me and other guys if I'm to buy any stuff for my wife my mum most have it first QED

My mindset is not bound by cultural, traditional or manipulative ideas.

What about your dad? Wasn't he the one who paid the money to train you, so why is the car for your mum?

heniford2:
lies if he value his mom like you said and has the resources to buy he a car why would he be calculating on doing so okey what if he mom refuse to train her nko human being are so ungrateful

Refuse to train him? Who else is responsible for training a child if not the parents? Did the child beg to be brought to the world? No.

In fact, the parents probably prayed for a child and brought the child into the world without the child's consent or knowledge. So it is the child's right to be brought up in a way that gives him or her a competitive edge in society. Let's clear that first.

His mum did not lack anything at all. Whenever she needed to go out, he sent her a driver. Must she own a car because the wife owns one? Is it a competition?

Fussion1000:
Of course balance it, but man MUST spend much more for his wife than mum, think of it, its ur wife alone but our mother, if one don't do others will, but if you don't do for ur wife who take up ur responsibility towards ur own wife


"Our mother" vs 'my wife', the balance must not equal.

If i can tell it to the face of older women with grown up children in the church, how less faceless public forum, anybody is free to leave the way pleases him in marriage, the end will justify everybody.

If you don't treat ur wife well, but face mother, the problems that will arise will bound on children.

Yes. A wife definitely should get more. That mother that guys are all shouting about won't let her husband do more for his mother than her.

When people understand the principle of marriage, they will understand better.

jornwhite:
You are right and there is no arguement in all these, the moniker you quoted already admit a man's wife/kids are his primary responsibility, that settles the logical aspect, bub i think he wants to know the emotional aspect tew, as men its hard for us to know so tell us as a mother will you be happy your son bought a car for is wife when you're trekking ? its a harmless question

As a mother, I won't be in competition with my son's wife because I know she is his responsibility. My mentality is different. It is my husband I should disturb for a car if I cannot afford one.

And if my husband fails in that area, should I sit on my son's neck and try to manipulate him to buy me a car? I don't think so. He has his responsibility and his family to take care of. I should be the one sending his wife and children gifts, not causing trouble between them because of my own needs.That's the way I see it.

heniford2:
sorry i quote you but your boss is pyso

He is a very wise man and he knows his mother.

What he has done for her, you might not be able to do in your lifetime.

Fussion1000:
Oga stop nonsense, your mother has husband. If her husband, ur Father refused to show utmost love for her so be it, the number 1 person a man must love most is wife, even much more than kids.

Think properly bf you post gibberish on faceless forum.


Marry good and quality wife you say no, when ur evil woman sniffs live out from you, you will come online to express your disaster on others good wives.

Date regular girlfriends to have experience taking to your marriages you said you must go for olosho, ......public wife, this is outcome of over familiarity with public dogs.


NB . Perhaps you are not one of those Bible give admonition that wife is flesh of his flesh.

Foolish baba da ngbe

at the bolded. You are mean!

Many of them are thinking in terms of girlfriends. If couples have the number of children they can comfortably take care of, they won't put too much pressure on their children to do what they should have done for themselves.

From the way many parents think, they already set up their children to be their pension plan and this affects their children's marriages.

Everyone will push their own agenda and try to manipulate their way through to get what they want. Men need to be able to create a balance.

Nazgul:
I'm not arguing with what you wrote cos that's exactly how's it's suppose to be. A man's primary responsibilities is his wife and kids.

My question is would you as a mother celebrate with your daughter in-law if your son gets her a car knowing fully well that you trek daily?

Who needs a car more? Who is doing school run for the kids, going to the market, taking the kids around as well as going to work everyday, etc?

If the mother only needs a car for church and market, who should get a car first? When that car comes, who services it, repairs it, etc. It might even become a burden to you and her except there is plenty money to go round.

Let me give you an example, I worked with a boss, very generous person with a successful company. His mum stays in Lagos too in a highbrow area but no car because he doesn't think it is necessary. When she needs to move around he sends a driver to pick her for her runs at every time; hospital, market, church, etc. But his wife drives her own car because she moves around more.


It is based on need, not a competition.

Nazgul:
Hope you'll maintain this your stand when your son grows up and gets his wife a brand new luxury car and you're there treking to church and market everyday.

Talk is so cheap and convinent when it doesn't concern or affects us directly. But we immediately change and become hypocrites by protesting aggressively the moment we become victims of our supposed views.

The bitter truth is that it is her husband (your father) that is meant to buy all that for her and make her comfortable as his wife. But in our African culture where responsibility of caring for your younger ones, taking care of the bills are shifted to a child, we have come to believe it is the son's duty over his duty to his own wife.

A child; son or daughter should make sure their mother has all she needs to make her life easier. However, as long as a man is married, his first loyalty is to his wife.

We are not talking about girlfriend but about a wife who he has been joined to and they have become one.

ReluctantAdult:
No. I don't buy their care. Unless you're saying one can't find love at 70? Which would be totally wrong.

The chances are slim.

Why wait till 70 to start looking for love?

Why would a young lady pick a a 70 year old from a list of younger suitors?

If wealth is removed from the equation, what are your chances?

After you have used up your youthful years you expect a young woman to pick a 70 year old man over a 35 year old. You think you will happy if your young daughter brings a 70year old man as her choice of husband .

ReluctantAdult:
I've heard this 'you haven't met the one you love' a thousand times

Well, maybe I shouldn't write off marriage entirely. Maybe I'd just get married at age 70, if God keeps me till then

You know what I mean. Get a young woman or two humble and caring young women to take care of me at old age while I leave part of my wealth for them.

Sixfeetbelle how do you see this idea? I think I've been able to reach a compromise with you with this decision. It's a win win

In other words, you buy their care as per care givers . Well done.

It always seems nice when we say it but in real life, it doesn't just happen that way. You will want more than just having people around who are just sticking around for your money. Just waiting for you to die.

ReluctantAdult:
Young people. Congratulations though

I dread commitment so much. Not for me though and I'm cool with that

Not until you meet that person that you are willing to go the whole mile for.

That is how my friend who was so anti-marriage,anti-women, anti-relationship sent me pictures and videos of his proposal. I had to send him one of his voice notes that he sent in the past and the guy laughed.

Wait till you are 50 and unmarried. Maybe then you can conclude that you are cool with it.

Blessynene:
So I got two Job offers within one month, with a big and smaller organization but both salaries are the same.

I accepted both but started with the bigger organization, and in less than two weeks am almost breaking down from stress. The workloads and deadlines are unbearable though you will grow career wise.

Now the offer for the smaller organization is still open and am tempted to resign from this one because of the workload and take up the less stressful job.

Please I need urgent answers so I don't make any huge career mistake. Thank you my fellow nairalanders

Since you have said that there is an avenue for growth, I think you should stay there and gain experience. When it is time to move, you will be able to get a better job based on the experience gathered and the organisation you worked with.

Some of this small organisations are not worth it. They use people and cut corners with welfare, etc. My friend left a big organization for a smaller one. But in his own case, he was on contract with the big organization and there was no talk about making him a full staff.

He didn't work up to a month in the new place. He said he was being used and trampled upon.

It is well. Let's try to learn from this for our future selves. We should have something doing (business, work, etc) and still be productive. Not that we will retire early and just sit at home and have time to see what to gossip about neighbours or be counting the days that our children don't call us.

It is hard, but as our kids grow, they need space to be independent. Blackmailing them with how much you spent on them or suffered for them is just manipulative.

DonHummer:
Wait I am still confused on this topic o.... I don't think it's by force to do court marriage. Me personally have no plans on doing court marriage and don't even think of forcing it on me. Traditional is enough for me coupled with church wedding. People are already accusing him of hiding something. What if he doesn't see the need.
But OP, is the court wedding what you really want or what your mum wants?

The church will still require you to go to the court first to get the legal papers if their own certificate doesn't have the legal backing of the court.

Hambivert:
All I can deduce from your insistence on the court wedding is in relation to the pressure from your mom.

When a Man intentionally pays the dowry of a woman, they become husband and wife. The traditional wedding is the real wedding that verifies a couple as "married"...

...Not the Church/White wedding, because it is a Western culture
...Neither is it the Court wedding, because it is a political culture.

However, you can make your traditional wedding have a religious undertone by inviting a religious head to oversee the religious procession.
...and you can also organise with your church, that is, if they have obtained 'wedding licence' from the ministry of interior, to provide you the necessary marriage paperworks.

All of these can be done in the traditional wedding ceremony. I sparogatively see no need for a fuss!

Only few churches have the legal certificate from the ministry of interior. Others will tell you to go to the court first to get it before they marry you in church. That's probably why he doesn't want church involvement too.

humilitypays:
If you are reasonable, realistic with life and wise in understanding life, there are two ways to know that you have met your spouse:

1.) You will feel at peace whenever you are around her or him; I mean that peace like a river.

For most wise men who are financially settled, what they consider most is the lady that gives them peace of mind


2.) You will be confident to discuss any topic with the person


But most times now, it depends on what the guy or lady is looking for in a spouse to be. Once the person ticks most of the qualities they feel he or she is the one.

Some it's financial status, some it's physical beauty, some it's family background, etc

Very valid points.

That peace especially, is very important. Someone you feel at home with that you can talk to about anything without feeling embarrassed or awkward.

When it became harder to say good night and go to our houses. Then I knew I wanted to sleep and wake up everyday beside him.

SAMBARRY:
agreed but communication, not communicating to be right,win an argument or show say Na you wise part, I'M TALKING ABOUT EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION, WISDOM,DIPLOMACY AND TACT will turn the most senseless woman on earth to a reasonable woman that will take care of her family without being told

But instead of effective communication Na una go dey rant

I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE
I'M THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE
EMINI BALE ILEYI

and you think that will work? It has gone since our mother's generation

It is not everytime that it is the man's fault. Some women are so unreasonable, that even with several talks, they won't change. The family unit is supposed to be fortified with both spouses having the interests of each other first.

But some women want to use their money to service their siblings and parents alone while they leave the burden of their own home to the man alone, which is just foolish. You can imagine my husband expecting me to support with some school fees because he has a lot on his plate already, but instead i sponsor my sibling abroad because it is supposedly my money.

For me, marriage doesn't work that way. Since I married a man that I truly care about and he does same, why wouldn't I want to help him? Why the competition or cruelty?

We are basing our argument on the information available. We don't know about the man being bossy.

smartxyz:
Hello guys,

Please have you ever been asked "what do you want from me?" by a lady that you just wanted to help with no strings attached?

I was driving home yesterday after work and a lady (average looking) flagged me to stop and i decided to stop and gave her a lift. I asked her where she was going and she mentioned a bustop before mine and i said lucky you... We had a lil chat as i drove her and she seemed really fun, We got to her bustop and i offered to be taking her to work in the morning since she stays close to my place. Then suddenly her face changed and she asked the annoying question "Oga what do you want from me?".. at that point i was dumbfounded and sad at same time. But i had to quickly smile and said "nothing" then i drove off.

For me i find it sad, a lot of people are not used to good people doing good things without wanting anything in return.

How do you feel and react when asked that question?

Please share yours

Some ladies cannot receive goodwill freely because they think there is always an ulterior motive. I think she should have just accepted the offer as a sign of goodwill from you. Then she react when you try to take it further, instead of just jumping into conclusions.

iInjureHerYansh:
Y'all are afraid that nigga is about to be rich to the extent that y’all be trying so hard to make sense but to no avail. Which is a confirmation that he can actually cash out. At least I'll have a good share if things goes well for him which is why I created this thread. Now I have gotten all I want. Thanks people

At least the Nigerian brain you keep criticising is obviously better than yours.

Zzor:
I hate women who are stingy towards their husbands and kids,then what do you live for?

Nothing.

The husband and children's wellbeing should be her number 1 priority.

crackhaus:
The answer is BOTH.

Right because he established the business for his wife with the sole intent that it will be used to support the family. And since this was not happening, then logically there's no point in keeping the business.

[b]Wrong because he didn't destroy everything properly. I can still see some goods unaffected in the photos[/b].

. The bolded made me laugh out loud.

But seriously, that behaviour from the wife, if true, is very selfish and annoying. She deserves to lose her shop so that she can reorganize her priorities.